Random posts workplace bullying

[swimmer]

I have another thread going about workplace bullying, and noticed there much interest in this by the times the thread is visited.

Here is another thread to post ANYTHING about it, your experience, random advice, cautionary tales, overcoming the bully or your self critic, one word or many many words.... whatever you like if it is right for you to share here.  I just can't hear enough about this topic now, I'm sure I'm not the only one

[swimmer]

Any direction this thread takes is free game:). (not that I necessarily feel threads should stay on track or not...)

[KatG]

Wow Swimmer, thanks for this thread!  This may be random, probably not coherent thoughts, but here goes anyway, I think this might be good for me to just type this out.

There’s this one man who (IMO is NPD) offered me a job years ago – he knows how to spot people like me (one who was has trouble with boundaries, etc). 
There was this huge incident about 5 years ago that would have become a he said/she said on the commissions that he was paying me.  I had started to work for another person at this workplace.  At first I truly thought he was just making math mistakes, but quickly realized that he would stop at nothing to silence me and get out of paying me the due commissions.  I knew he would cost me dearly (even more so than his campaign to destroy my image that he had started) if I had pursued it.  This woke me up to the person that he is. 
I’ve seen him offer jobs to others; he gets them in and uses them up.  He thinks he is so great that just by being those employees being around him, that that’s his reciprocation to them.
I’ve been working on my boundaries, and speaking up, well, ok, more like thinking about my boundaries and speaking up….Former boss had an audience and decided to bash a couple of the people in the workplace who’ve been gone for 2 years now (these people left because of him).
I said ‘that’s your opinion’.  I think that’s the first time I ever did something like that.  I noticed this audience look at me when I said that, and then they looked up at him with expectant looks – thinking about it, I think this guys knew his audience were the type of people he could intimidate.  I soon walked away to my desk.  Later this former boss made sure to copy a letter he had typed up 2 years earlier with his accusations against these people – similar to a letter I had gotten – and said to me ‘the next time you try to call me out in front of others, make sure you get your facts straight”.  There was a little bit of banter where I said, if you really thought these things that you should have sued them, and he said if they hadn’t left he would have.  These were untrue allegations by the way, the kind where someone takes a rice grain of truth and stretches and changes and twists it all around.
Anyway, I actually said something.  Actually, both times, the first time and then when he handed me the letter.  I didn’t just stand there and take it; or ignore it and pretend it would all go away. 
I process things slowly, and this is where I’m at with it – that I said something.  I have such trouble speaking up, and my first issue is that usually nothing comes to my mind – even later – of which to say!

Thanks Swimmer.  Thinking about it, this is Independence weekend after all...

[Meh]

"The Disposable American" is a good book to read. It goes through the history of lay-off culture.

I think a corporate lay-off culture breeds more tolerance of bully behavior.

I'm thinking of a passage in a book where the author describes throwing some coins out into a group of beggars on the street in India, what ensued was an all out physical brawl between the beggars to get the change.

The thing is most Americans are not even close to being beggars, they are trying to purchase their second SUV-Hummer-motorcycle-ski-doo-hottub-vacation package-soundsystem-roomsizedTV, supersized house. 

I have seen massive tolerance by corporate excutives of PRO-BULLY behavior. It's the game they play.
One must side with the assholes or get attacked by the assholes, that is their strength. Fear, survival, money, power, abuse.

[bearwithme]

so true MB.  The  corporate bully makes the rules and we become puppets on a string.  How embarrassing!  How demeaning.

I loathe bullies.  I loathe them.  They are everywhere and even in my extended family.  I believe my sister-in-law (SIL), through marriage to my husband's brother, is a bully and I dread  seeing her.  However, everyone else thinks she's the greatest thing since sliced bread.  I have no idea why.  People flock to her when she talks.  When I talk, she walks away.  When she sees me, she ignores me for the first 10 - 15 minutes and then she will acknowledge me.  I always have to say hello first and come up to her and hug her.  She approaches my husband before me ALL THE TIME, while I just stand there waiting for her to see me.

Obviously, I have a hard time with this and wanted to post this thread as I first mentioned in Swimmer's initial thread about bullies.  I'm glad Swimmer posted this as I couldn't get to it.

I don't know what it is about my SIL.  She has gobs and gobs of friends and quite a few really best friends, while I have about 3 really good friends and many others that I consider my friends.  My SIL has yelled at me in my own house and has even yelled at her own friends in public places to the degree where her friends have left the party in tears, yet, they come back to her and stay close and throw her parties and come to her side, etc.  She had even told off two of our mutual friends so badly that they didn't come to our wedding for fear that she would "go off" on them and ruin our wedding. Yet, the two friends (who are a married couple) still go to all her functions, football BB Q's, baby shower's, birthday partys, etc.  The couple is initially friends with SIL's husband (my husband's brother) and this guy is a really good guy, etc. so perhaps they feel obligated.  No?  Don't' you guys think that must be a pretty big obligation??

My husband's family loves the SIL.  They think she is so smart and great and lovely.  They just always say "That's how she is you know, tough and practical and she tells it like it is!"
 
For the love of God! I HATE THAT SAYING "Oh, she so brutally honest, she really tells it like it is."  I would rather poke sticks in my eyes than to hear them say that.  But you know what, that's what everyone else says too.  Is it me that does not accept her flaws?  Am I being an N?  Am I overly sensitive?

I'm sorry, I just don't buy the whole "Oh that Staci, she's a real pistol, she's a go-getter and not a softy, she tells the truth."  So if I tell the truth like: Hey Staci, you are a horrendous bully!  You are so disrespectful to me and it's not funny, you are mean and spiteful and you have no problem with wallking on people's feelings...." Then will people say "Oh that Bear, she's such a toughy, she's so great and tells it like it is, that girls is great!"  HELL NO!!  They would more likely say, "Hey Bear, you have issues, you can't lash out like that and you should say sorry...Bear you need to control yourself more and that wasn't very mature of you, why on earth would you say something like that?" 

It's like the bully gets protected by everyone else and never gets shattered the way they shatter others.  What is this dynamic all about Dr. G?  Or, I may have it all wrong.  Am I jealous of my SIL?

Bear

[KatG]

Oh wow Bear, your SIL is exactly like my DH's ex-wife!

I don't get it either, she has everyone fooled, and some of DH's family will even say how fake she is and still go to her functions, just like you said, including times when it estranges DH!
She has very good social skills and can cut people with a smile on her face while prentending to compliment them!

[Hopalong]

I always have to say hello first and come up to her and hug her.

Here's the key, Bear.

I think if you turn it you will no longer even feel her bullying.

You won't put up with those vibes at all.

Hops

[bearwithme]

I always have to say hello first and come up to her and hug her.

Here's the key, Bear.

I think if you turn it you will no longer even feel her bullying.

You won't put up with those vibes at all.

Hops

Hops:  If I turn the key?  How?  If I don't go up to her first I think it will become too awkward and obvious that I'm holding out....then it will be all me, my fault, I'm weird, I'm being childish, etc.  This will bite me in the bum.  What do you think?

Bear

[Hopalong]

Yes, it would be.

I'm saying I believe that as you develop the inner strength to NOT be disturbed by others' opinions of you,
you will be able to behave with strength, self-respect, dignity and confidence --

...and you wouldn't walk up to a bully and put your arms around her to placate her and announce your
subservient role in the pack.

This stuff takes time. But it's a great thing to learn about. You really can take the risk of others' disapproval.
Just set up some practice. Practice boundaries. New stances. Small are fine. Perhaps next time you'll simply
touch her on the arm. Or wait a few beats longer before greeting her. Or eventually, with a peaceful,
serene, relaxed demeanor...wait until she greets you first.

You can even do all that and go home and sleep like a baby. Maybe not the first time. But if you start
doing some different things, you'll feel differently.

You can even have a pleasant time at these events because there are OTHER people there, not just the
fascinating, dominant bully.

You'll discover another person there whom you've been ignoring...

You.

love,
Hops
PS--once you pity her (that will come with your growing strength), her power over you is gone.

[bearwithme]

This stuff takes time. But it's a great thing to learn about. You really can take the risk of others' disapproval.
Just set up some practice. Practice boundaries. New stances. Small are fine. Perhaps next time you'll simply
touch her on the arm. Or wait a few beats longer before greeting her. Or eventually, with a peaceful,
serene, relaxed demeanor...wait until she greets you first.

You can even do all that and go home and sleep like a baby. Maybe not the first time. But if you start
doing some different things, you'll feel differently.

You can even have a pleasant time at these events because there are OTHER people there, not just the
fascinating, dominant bully.

You'll discover another person there whom you've been ignoring...

You.

love,
Hops
PS--once you pity her (that will come with your growing strength), her power over you is gone.

I've been ignoring "me."  Too much.  Thank you Hops.  I know, SIL is a distraction in my life because of the way I was brought up by my NM.  How can someone not like me?  What's wrong with me?  Why is she looking at me that way?  I'm stupid and dumb and she's great and lovely and I'm just nothing... 

This is all due to NM taking my power away when I was a child.  I was robbed of self-esteem and dreams and a voice.  Encounters with persons such as my SIL are a struggle for me but I am taking baby steps like you said, "Practice boundaries and New Stances." 

(((hugs)))

Bear

[swimmer]

I'm jumping in here too:)

Muffin buster thx for suggesting that book.  The last statement you made about siding with the assholes or being attacked by them is where I'm having the problem.  I don't side with assholes, and usually stay neutral and approach everything with diplomacy.... The area I work can be so petty that if your not gossiping, you are made a target.

I'm okay with idle gossip, but I never agree or disagree.... I struggle with this spiritually from time to time.  I know life isn't fair sometimes, but being blocked out for not talking dirt is wrong.  I guess I need to realize I picked this job and just learn from this.  The signs were there that the job wasn't a good fit before.

KatG. Good for you for saying something, Hops was giving bear some advice here about practice.  I have to say, even when I say th perfect thing with confidence, I still suffer inside.  The image of confidence is important to ward off any random strikes.... I guess the confidence does create some fortress of boundaries.

Great advice Hops, you are a wise owl here:).

Thx for sharing bear, I know what you are saying about the situation with your SIL.  When I get in a position lime that I ask myself, why am I here anyways?  And if I can't give a good reason, I just dream about where and what I'm doing next.  If it's bad enough I'll politely leave.  That groove is a strategy to get through the day, but may backfire later.  You matter bear, and no matter what, you don't have to run up to this woman to say hi.... You have a great time wherever you are, and talk to other people and have fun.  It sounds like this woman's friends have to do this to a certain extent.... Kissing up.  You are too nice for that bear....  You do not have to entertain her dysfunctional dynamic. 

Sometimes I'm at a party and a good friend is across the room, and I get engaged in a conversation with a very interesting person for a while.  I don't feel chained to this friend to run over, but may at least say hi really quick and xcuse my briefness and suggest another time to visit more.  This is a friend (I'm sure you know though, I need reminders once in a while;)

[Meh]

Sorry you are having a tough time at work Swimmer. A person really shouldn't have to go through that just to make a living in my opinion.

[swimmer]

Thx for your kind words Muffinbuster.  I agree.... The change comes with me leaving, the director has openly admitted she cannot deal with certain people anymore.  I guess that is the workplace she will create, one where all the roles play out very neatly.

[KatG]

KatG. Good for you for saying something, Hops was giving bear some advice here about practice.  I have to say, even when I say th perfect thing with confidence, I still suffer inside.  The image of confidence is important to ward off any random strikes.... I guess the confidence does create some fortress of boundaries.

Thank you swimmer!