"After the pall is over....."

[tigerlily]

Well, I'm back from a week long trip to my home town after having buried my Nmother.  I spent two chaotic years of having her live with me and painfully realizing that I did not get past her being able to push my buttons (ones she had created) like I thought I had.  Then I spent two more years of her controlling and manipulating from the nursing home, which left me constantly feeling guilty and responsible for her happiness (like I had felt when I was growing up). I am an only child, so, since my father is dead, I was in charge of the funeral arrangements and meeting all the relatives and friends she left behind in her town.  Everyone remembered her as this sweet, gentle old lady, not knowing, of course, what it was like to grow up as her competition instead of her daughter.  Not knowing that behind that sweetness she was chasing her child through the house, almost on a weekly basis (till I stood up to her at age 14) with a strap, beating the hell out of me.  Not knowing that she drove a wedge between me and anyone who tried to get close to me. So there was me, at the funeral, consoling these people who were crying, not shedding a tear myself.  It was too weird.  
The rest of the trip was very nice.  I reconnected with a lot of cousins that I had not seen for a long time who had not been subjected to my mother's butchery of my character in the past.  I saw that without her looming over everything I could actually enjoy what was left of my family for the first time.  I saw that they, who had had decent parenting (most of them, anyway) turned out to be loving and kind people who had wonderful marriages and children of their own.  I met with four of my old high school girl friends for dinner one night and had a wonderful time catching up.  They too had great lives and families.  It made me very sad, though, after it was all over, because I realized the network of support they all had that I didn't.  I know if my mother had been a loving, supportive parent I wouldn't have felt the need for my own sanity to get as far away as I could from her and her environment as soon as I was an adult.  These people felt their parents were their friends and allies, people they could count on and trust.  I never felt that with my mother.  Now I look back to the years I really needed support and love and I feel so robbed because of her.  Her narcissistic needs so overwhelmed  any maternal instincts she might have had that she changed my life into a completely different direction.  I married another narcissist because it was all I thought I deserved, and lived far away from any family I could have had to sustain me.  When we split, I raised my three boys all by myself, again, removed from anyone who might have given a damn.  Sometimes, I don't know how I did survive.  I must say that I did a damned good job because my boys have turned out to be wonderful men.  That's the one thing I am proud of.  Finding out about narcissistic parents certainly made the big difference in my life because of the relief in knowing I am not this horrible, unlovable person I was made to feel I was.  However, the residual damage is pretty great.  I have so much to do to repair myself and my self esteem I hardly know where to start.
So, now I am back home and realizing that, for the first time in my life I don't feel responsible for anyone else but myself.  It's like going outside after a fierce thunderstorm and hearing peace and quiet.  It is almost surreal.  I am going to take a few weeks to just take in the quiet and I am not going to do anything.  Then I am going to start concentrating on me.  I have not listened to myself or my needs for so long that I don't even know how.  But I am going to learn.  I am emotionally worn out right now and sad because of what might have been.  But I can't let that hold me down for too long.

[OnlyMe]

I, too, am an only child, now left with an old NMom, so I was pulled into your post.  
Thank you for showing me what to expect, through your eyes and your experience.  As I started to write this, I hesitated because I automatically began to write "my sympathies in your loss" but then I thought that the Passing of your Mother, while a loss, is also the beginning of the next stage of your life, where she will no longer be able to cause you pain.   That might feel like tons of shackles are being removed, slowly, one by one, and you might come to discover that, for the first time in your life, you are Free to Be All That You Can Be.   It might be overwhelming at first, so take the time you need, be kind to yourself, without those NM comments holding you back, any more.  You have more than earned a time of Peace.  It is already happening, when you have been able to freely enjoy your old friends.  
If you are able, from time to time, it would be very healing for many of us, if you might consider sharing your journey with us.  It will help guide the steps of those of us, like me, who still have to go down that road.
I wonder how you were able to stand greeting all the visitors without screaming "If you only knew The Truth."  That is my biggest fear in anticipation.  Earlier this year, I had to endure the accolades at the passing away of my NDad, and it still haunts me, for I had to smile, and once again stay silent, holding in The Truth, because my NMom is still alive.  
But, I know that one day the pain will end, and you are helping to give me that hope, and for that I say a very sincere 'thank you'.

[Anonymous]

I would love to keep you updated, "Only Me"---Not too many people can identify with this or even want to hear about it.  I need to be able to vent, and, if it can help you, so much the better.  
Actually, I have to let you in on a little secret.  Most people would be horrified.  Years ago my dad and I used to slip away when I was visiting so we could both get away from my Nmother/his Nwife,  and drive to his little local bar (he used to go to sit and gab with his friends.)  We had some really nice, quiet times there where we felt free to have great talks and enjoy each other without Momster there to interfere.  We would occasionally shoot a game of pool and really have a nice time.  Well, an hour before the funeral service, out of nostalgia, I popped in there.  It was still the same.  I had a nice talk with the bartender there who was a single mom struggling to keep her life together too.  She gave me a scotch on the house when she found out where I was going next.  So I went to the church feeling no pain and in very good "spirits."  I was gracious, charming, comforting and able to function without problems.  There were two dozen roses at the base of the urn containing the ashes and next to the pictures of my mother that I had displayed there.  After the service I handed a rose out to each person that had come to the funeral, and everyone thought it was a nice touch.  The whole thing went quite well, so I guess I needed that little extra boost of my dad's memory to make me feel better.  The scotch didn't hurt either.

[tigerlily]

Sorry- that last post was me.  My computer isn't acting right today.

[bunny]

Most people would be horrified.

Most people wouldn't be horrified, Tigerlily. You'd be surprised how many people would find this perfectly normal! I do. My H and I wanted to stop at a bar near the cemetery before my uncle's funeral but it wasn't open yet.

bunny

[OnlyMe]

Vent away, tigerlily    . God knows I've already done my share here, and it helps, every which way.  
I was able to survive NDad's funeral and all the stuff that went with it by asking his Dr. for a few valium to help me over the rough spots.  I have a best friend who took time off work to come and 'watch my back' as she says, because my dearH only made it to town to the the funeral - work-related obligations.  Besides, he had lost respect for my nParents years ago, when he saw The Truth.  

The roses were a wonderful idea.  It sounds like you took care of things beautifully and thoughtfully, and the blessing of doing it that way is that you will have no regrets, no guilt - and what a comfort that will be to your soul in the days to come.

Being the only child of a nParent is a rough road, and I am so grateful to have found this Board, and to learn that we are not alone.  That is powerful in itself.  

(((Thinking of you)))

[les]

Hi Tigerlily

I have been wondering how things were going for you.  I'm glad you have posted and are going to continue to post.  You have such a clear, honest voice.

 Sometimes, actually often, I have tried to imagine life after NM.  A huge weight will be gone - and I can feel my chest expand and air rush in. I also wonder if there might be a feeling of complete weightlessness after been tethered to such a heavy anchor.

 I look forward to hearing about this next stage in your life. It certainly doesn't seem fair that you had to go through all you did without the supports that other friends and family had.  But now as you say, you can take time and take in the quiet.

Les

[seeker]

Big hugs to you, Tigerlily,

Thank you for sharing this with us.  My parents are "getting up there" and your experiences will surely help me in the future.  

Take care, Seeker

[Discounted Girl]

Tigerlily -- I have thought of you so many times since you left for the memorial. It sounds as if you have handled this with grace and style. Good for you. You are a keeper (like Seeker).  

[tigerlily]

My gosh- I can't believe you guys were thinking about me while I was gone.  That makes me feel good.  I was getting good vibes I didn't even know about.  Thanks for all the support.

[Discounted Girl]

Tigerlily,
What you have prompted us to think about is really important. I'm not an only child, so I don't know what I would do if I HAD to handle things. She is just so awful and mean to me, I don't know that I could handle her care. My ball-less brother and his greedy wife seem to have the old bag under control. So, she won't be on the streets I guess, although I am sure they are thinking about where to park her after they have total control of her money. I just cannot be a hypocrite (I'm not sure I can even spell it) and since I am not an only child, I don't have to go through what you did. I sure admire you though. I wish I had more skills of tact and diplomacy and the ability to behave gracefully under pressure. Well, I was there with my Dad, supporting him even as he drew his last breath -- I spoke aloud that the moment had come for Jesus to open his arms and receive my earthly Father and peace be unto him. I told him that we would be together again and we would rejoice, without pain and sorrow. That is what my Dad taught me and that is what I said. I was very surprised that not one of the others, not his wife the NQueenmother, his son, his daughter-in-law, or grandchildren, not one of them joined me in supporting his departure. It is so very important to support people. I watched my Dad leave this earth in a hospital gown -- no clothes, no wallet, no real estate, no bank accounts, nothing. In the end all that matters is love, pure, sweet, true and wonderful.