Boat's Cargo

[Meh]

Wanted to come here and write something about the possibility of crisis and issues and problems being part of the dysfuctional (STORY-LINE) (LIFE-PLOT) that one is told about...the sick family members telling (me) about the future being bad...and about it manifesting that way.

Just want to explore this idea some more because I think somewhere in there may be some personal empowerment.

I guess I would like to say at one point:
 "I played the role, it unfolded, the bad stuff manifested...but now that story has come to an end"

[Meh]

My father contacted me to tell me that the social worker in a clinic that he thought would advocate for him wasn't helpful at all.

It's hard for me to fathom that my mother, brother and father actually want to use me as a crutch. If a social worker can not help him, why would I be able to?

I need to write some more about this, I will come back to it in a bit.

Hearing my fathers voice gives me a sense of dred and burden...like I am unseen, and unreal...that my own personal life was never meant to unfold..that I was always only there for their purposes.

[Meh]

Nothing is wrong tonight but I'm awake at an absurd hour and I could say something over complicated or something over simple.

Making an update mostly, the place to put my minutia now that my 5 minute "BF" is gone. He asked me if I believed in love, but then I told him how I'm not really a prize afterall. So coming full circle back to the first part WHERE does the love come in? It doesnt right....they are like different definitions tagged onto the same word in the dictionary.

I'm becoming more brave or more crazy or more desperate or all three...phew boy what a combo.

Soooo...church that is whats new. For some reason the down and outs become all churchy sometimes. I guess it's how the church gets new "recruits"...well maybe thats just trite. So I was invited to go on a hike with a group of church women and also to their homes for X-mas of course. I will probably go on the hike but not to their homes. It's not a bad church really, a little whelmingly HAPPY in your face HAPPY to see me. Because come on, who is really happy to see me...it reeks a little bit of the brain-washed unless I'm missing something. They have to be that happy and that nice in order to get into heaven. I don't know I never understood the church types and its so easy to make the typical stereotype comments. I just want to be part of a community, not be so alone, I don't want to be somebody's religious "project" for Xmas. Just want some understanding how hard can that be. Anyways bouncing type here. SAVE

[Meh]

Is it a homophone?

Love, Love, love, Love, love......No it's not because it's spelled the same even if the word has so many different meanings.
Maybe Luv and Lurv are homophones. looov.

I went to my one-on-one counseling appointment today after all the referral rig a ma role. I know its one word but I always say it wrong with an extra a in it.

So, I talked and talked and talked to her. I was worried that I wouldn't have anything to say! That I would clam up. I didn't though,  I guess I really needed to decompress and talk to somebody that I think is neutral and doesn't have an agenda because the social worker types no matter how well meaning that may be are not neutral.

I didn't go to my most recent appointment with the housing director...it was intentional.....but I also happened to have the flu-urp. Good, valid, true excuse....

My neighbors, I try to spare them from placing my stuff on them. I don't talk a lot to troubled people.

The counselor asked me about my family history of substance abuse and mental health. I told her that about every generation I'm aware of is alcoholic and I told her there is the co-dependecy or whatever ya wanna label it. I also told her that I think my Ma is a NAR!!!
It's the first time I have told anybody in 3D about my mother...maybe I'm glad for being able to tell it to a counselor. yay.

[Meh]

Here I put my minutia, If I had someone to talk to that wanted to hear about my life's events I would tell them but since that person doesnt really appear to exist then I will write it all here instead. Listening to some kind of modern Christmas music on a radio. (Yay for having a second hand radio).

So mother told me through the grapevine from my brother that my father finally did get a chest X-ray done and he does have a growth in his lungs according to my brother who has been known to lie but I can't think he would lie about something about this. But I was correct in my brother wanting me to start contact with my father it is in fact because my brother has a plan to move away from where my father lives...how thoughtful of my brother. Funny how my brother uses the words (I LOVE YOU) when he talks to me about this stuff.

I spent yesterday out at my mother's place, her husband didn't even say hello to me when he saw me nor did he say a single word to me. Couldn't possibly have been more rude. What a jerk. Not surprized though. So we went to go look at a fancy Christmas light display and it was actually a pretty nice thing to do. So beyond that I guess I will go to Church but that is all I plan. I guess I will stay "home" and knit. It could be more fun but it could also be worse I guess.

[Meh]

So I guess my five minute Boy Friend is gone'ish. He is probably trying to be gone, going, going, maybe he is working on fading away after calling me and texting me every morning and evening with all this naive like charm. I thought whoa, slow down dude. Now I haven't heard much from him, he texted me today though. This really went on longer than I had expected, maybe he had hope for a booty call. I don't know, he said some non-sense about wanting a relationship, and I think I made it clear that I couldn't have a relationship.

Really he probably doesnt want a relationship but says he does, and even though I say I can't have one I probably do want one.
On top of that though nobody wants to have a relationship with somebody like me. I (me, myself and I) don't wish to have a relationship with me. IF that sounds like self-pitty I don't give a cr@p. I have a right to want somebody in my life. I can't put everything on hold forever.

Can't I just be his weirdo, bohemian, oddling friend? No, probably not. How different am I really from people who are loved I ask myself. I get these lines of reasoning that come to my mind and I just think "am I unlovable"...anyways I will let it go for now.

I dislike this stuff a little passing ember of a spark is worse almost than none at all. Right!? There is a song that says that "a taste of honey is worse than none at all".

Heck anyways, I should of lied, lied, lied, maybe I would have had somebody hugging me on Christmas.
Hay, the BeachBoys sang frosty the snowman

[Meh]

Ungratefulness, as uncouth as it is, well I'm still going to say it. So somebody put together some brown paper Christmas gift bags and gave them out to us Charity cases. The dumb stuff that was in the bags: Little bags of generic vanilla Oreo type cookies and unsharpened pencils along with, a lollypop, a single sample size of laundry detergent. There was also some dumb God related saying printed on to a piece of paper and cut out. Somebody put a lot of effort getting together a bag of almost worthless stuff.  I mean I like the laundry detergent but come on it's almost worse to be given stuff like this compared to nothing at all. Yay! An unsharpened pencil every homeless person really wants and needs this. It doesn't matter really I just type the insignificant events of my day. Listening to Elvis sing Christmas music.

 

[Meh]

Not sure that I have the umph to write a bunch, just gulped sleepy time tea.

Where is my quality time with family and loved ones? I spent X-mas with my homeless friend we went to a couple of church masses one today one yesterday. At least I didn't have to sit by myself in church.

So I'm on therapist number 9. I'm trying to decide what to do about this situation....the ninth.

[Meh]

What I don't like about number nine is that she asks me as if it's not obvious "so what do you want to get out of therapy". Maybe they have to ask this...but it really really worries me. I spent the first session spilling my guts and she says "she is getting to know me"...I went thought this before with the previous therapist who was getting to know me and never helped. So what am I supposed to do now (I ask this to SELF). Self question. lots of questions always...not the answers I want to hear. Anyways just venting I'm becoming sleepy. Somebody just put your arms around me and kiss the side of my head and I'll stop asking questions. I feel like I need to move on, forward no matter how much debris there is, the debris is not going back together. Start over. Can I start over?

I just need love not therapy?? Sleepy eyes. Night.

[Meh]

Sometimes I think this self analysis stuff just fills up the space of my loneliness

[Meh]

Going to come back here and babble to myself. Having a hard time getting to the point of my feelings right now, I mean I'm sort of there but I'm stressed about my father's illness and feeling impotent to do anything to make anything better. I just want a bunch of gay men to sit and knit with and just tell them how miserable I am. "Can I be your hag?"

I went to the library today and got a self-help type book on dating. Not that I believe that I'm going to find me a rich man to bail me out of my situation, I don't think or believe that. I'm just so lonely, I was way back when--during my responsible career woman phase, I was lonely but I was making money and doing an "important" job and I was independent and I was too proud to admit that I was in any way lonely but I was and that was part of what happened when I lost that job, I cared in a stressed out way but I didn't care in a sense because part of me was saying back to myself "IS this it?" Plus it didn't help that my female boss out of the blue pointed out to me that she is never going to get married either. That was when my co-worker was getting married...so I guess my boss thought I was left out? I don't know but its a mush of confusion all I know is that I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life but I am soooo accustomed to being alone it is weird to be anything different. Plus I don't seem to be having much luck convincing anybody that they could be in company with me. Just a ramble on here. I'm a little tired right now.  
Some people are so bold when it comes to dating and unless I am flinging myself with crazy abandon, well I'm shy and embarrassed as if I don't deserve to be with somebody I have shame over seeking somebody to share love with. SAVE jump screen

[Meh]

well if this is a creative project for 2012 onwards here we go. It appears that I'm supposed to get clear about what I want. HA ha. Well I think I should engage the other goofy whimsical side of my brain not think so much. What is one looking for, I mean are we really looking for traits and interests or are we looking for a relating style? I know its not we who are looking its just (ME) I.
Just being in the mindset of looking causes me to put out a vibe even in church...there was a married man looking at me and then he tried to make eye contact with me when I walked by leaving the church. Boy did I feel like Madonna the singer.

I'm afraid of love and romance and sexuality and relationship stuff because I can't hide my crazy, can't hide my insecurity and fears it's so horribly out there. I've been pretty good at being uptight and responsible and hiding all of my problems I haven't really acted out my dysfunction and I don't want to act it out in relationship and I know I shouldn't even be thinking about any of this considering my situation. But maybe my personal situation will eventually change and I will have got a head start on considering life again. To be among the living. I have no gracefullness in relationship at all. If I don't tell people how screwy I think I am does that mean that I'm lying? I don't think so most people don't proclaim their "crazy". We don't sing our crazy songs in the street at the top of our lungs. When is it okay to tell another person about something serious? Oh whatever I'm gonna go read my dumb dating book for a few minutes, have a cup of tea and go to sleep soon. Afraid my dating book is gonna make me feel worse. Peace y'all.

[Meh]

I'm probably going to be about as successful with this project as I was with "fixing myself".
Of course Billy Holiday is singing "I've got my love to keep me warm".
"Time to do slothful things between Christmas and New Years" The radio announcer says.

[Meh]

Today I'm not feeling so good for whatever reason my tummy hurts a little maybe it's just stress or being around a bunch of people with low immune systems. OR maybe my immune system is low.

I feel really lonely. My personal situation & my fathers situation, I know this is contributing to my whole interest in dating is that I just don't want to go through this alone but I also get it that nobody is going to want to go through this with me either.
So I was thinking of going for a walk and stopping to get a cup of coffee, taking my dating book with me and reading for a few minutes, just having this thought made me want to cry, the thought of reading a dating book makes me feel dreadful today. That wasnt the case yesterday.

I know I've got some weirdo stress/greif/social alienation stuff goin on. Just had to vent.
I just want a hug and a guy just wants some jugs....I know the whole thing is a really bad idea...thinking about dating. But if I'm single and lonely then NOT dating is also a bad idea. So screw it I'm going to do it anyways.

[Meh]

I like dating books because it's not just me ruminating about my stuff its info on the interaction of peoples. The relating part.
So that makes me ask the question Does ruminating and digging into our own personal stuff really = better relating skills. I BET THIS is a SOCIAL FALSEHOOD. I bet self ruminating does not =better relationships!!!!! WOW imagine that!!!!!!!!When I take my dating book into a cafe, I sit in a dark corner with the jacket of the book facing down so nobody can see what I'm reading, when I go to the library I try to discretely not show people the cover of the book that I'm checking out!!! Funny right. Or too prideful or something. I have this weird fear that somebody is going to snicker. I'm afraid somebody is going to say "you're not worthy!!! you're not worthy" Sort of like the movie...what was it called...can't remember:  Waynes World.

Just the act of allowing myself to read dating books is doing something to cheer me up. It's like an action that speaks to myself "I'm worth it, I'm worthy". Even if I don't have somebody right now it still feels good to allow the idea to percolate. I didn't allow the idea to percolate in the past to the point that if a guy did flirt with me or approach with me I wasn't mentally or emotionally prepared to respond in a friendly way. I was just sort of startled.

Just to even think or believe that maybe I might be worthy of love is a BIG deal to me. So if I've been posting a lot on here about this thanks for "hearing" me while I figure it out.

Weird that my horoscope even says that in the romance area, my lack of dealing with emotional issues has started to cause it's own problems. Interesting thought right?
NOT DEALING WITH ISSUES= more issues.