Boat's Cargo

[Meh]

There was literally no conscious space for aspects of me to grow & inhabit in the verbal/mind/communication/relating realm.

What would that have meant, it would have meant some space for me, it would have meant that on occasion my family had conversations with me. Or that in the middle of talking with them there was a literal pause--and space for topics to unfold. I would have existed in some of that but instead...its the conveyor belt that keeps moving in a fixed way towards the same outcome.

Simultaneously There was no break in the Narcissistic routine. The model of interactions, these unspoken things often frightened or intimidated me.

I'm seeing how I went underground and my own understanding was confused.
It's possible that I'm an example of a person who turned inward a dysfunctional reaction to a dysfunctional experience.

I'm more of a quiet, studious, shy, like to be focused on art or work or something kind of person.

My brother was never at all shy but he has had just as few good friendships/relationships as I have. My brother worked as a sales person at conventions and he worked as a bouncer in bars (strip clubs to be honest), he also did other people interacting jobs.
So maybe that's just part of his personality, I don't know where he got that from because I didn't get that ability. I almost wonder sometimes if I have a social phobia because large groups of people I don't know what to do unless I have a task. I was able to teach classes in college fine.

[Meh]

I think I am probably about as unfriendly and un-nice to other people as my mother is to me.

That one brief hiatus where I hadn't talked to my mother for about 6 months that resulted in her talking to a therapist...and the therapist must have told her just to try being nice to me.

So my mother was nice for about two months. It's the only time I ever remember her being that way ever. It was strange.

I'm probably not nice, I don't mean malicious but I'm just not a friendly person. It's my habit, mode.

[Meh]

I haven't been writing too much on the board lately. I'm wondering how much of daily voicelessness is just a standard aspect of relating to people. I think it's pretty normal for people to experience voicelessness now and then except that it stings more for people who have had a lot of it in terms of personality development. --Because the voicelessness also is part of an invisible personality/ and lacking a powerful sense on self-value.

So, I had to make an appointment with the housing director, I typically don't say a whole lot to her I just let her blabber on. She actually wants to tell me about her problems. Why would I care? She isn't homeless...she said to me: "Everybody has problems"...yeah I know this I don't need her to tell me this- what difference does this make to me?? This time I did talk more to her and I noticed that at the same time she is making statements about self esteem and such social worker lingo she was talking over me. She just keeps on talking over what I am saying and it's all about her being a person of authority. There is something so false in these types of interactions. On one hand she thinks she is some sort of expert on dejected poor people etc. because she must have studied social work somewhere along the path of life. Yet she doesnt even see herself talking over people like us. I'm an adult and I'm sick of meeting with her because I feel talked down to as if I am infantile. So I avoid her even though she seems pleasant-- I can't stand her right now. Plus she doesnt run this place very well. She sits there and blabs and blabs to me and repeats herself during the hour that I have scheduled with her so that she can make sure that she is filling up the hour and that the hour is documented on her own timesheets for when she gets paid. But it's not helping me. It's really sad to me that people get to the point where all they are doing is ensuring their own paycheck. It's hard to respect or admire that on my end. jump screen

[Meh]

Next week I've got another counseling appointment coming up and an interview.

When my mother brings up with me over the telephone things that I don't wish to discuss with her, I just tell her now that I'm speaking with a counselor and that I would prefer to not discus it with her (my mother).

So then my mother responds to that by acting like me seeing a counselor PROVES that I'm the one who has a problem. That I am
F'-ed up. It makes me feel angry. My mother acts like my counselor is going to unearth some kind of severe psychological problem that proves that I'm garbage and flawed.

My mother acts like she is winning if I am so desperate that I have to see a counselor. Unfortunately my couselor doesnt get these weird nuances of the dynamics I have with my mother.

I've said to my counselor that I fantasize that someday I will not speak with my mother any longer that I have pretty much mained very limited contact with my father and brother and that for me I believe that I WILL HAVE accomplished something when I mother is no longer a part of my life. My counselor doesnt seem to get this and it makes me angry that she doesnt understand how emotionally painful it--

[Meh]

--continue:

...how emotionally painful it is to maintain a relationship with my relatives. It's an emotional and neural network that gets reinforced over and over again in my brain. There is an emotionaly damaged and path of pain that is branded in my brain from my mother.

I wish my therapist was smarter.  She just doesnt get it.

If I ask my therapist:

How do I become unhomeless
How do I cut my mother out of life forever so her presense and her impact on me ceases
How do I feel like I belong

My therapist can't answer these questions. And if I am supposed to answer these questions for myself I will just fail because look at where I got myself.

I want some answers, I want imput. I wish I had some guidance. I have no guidance and I don't know how to do what I need to do.

????????????????

[Meh]

I'm not feeling understood by my therapist at all. She doesnt understand that my homeless is pretty much a version of death. It's an alternative to suicide it is just another way of completely checking out of life and the world. A way of basically not even believing or experience my right to exist in the world. On Monday I'm going to find the referral information again and see what else I can find out
I can understand my situation but I really cant change my experiences and my emotional problems.

On top of everything that I already have going on now I just have a greater sense of loss and shame from my circumstances and then trying to explain all of it to somebody. It's too much to explain. Explaining it is only one part of it THEN FEELING LIKE I HAVE TO GET MY THERAPIST TO UNDERSTAND IT.  I'm too tired to be responsible for her lack of understanding. I don't want to feel like I have to make her understand it. That is where some of my frustration is. I'm too tired to explain anymore to somebody who doesnt get it.

I can just see it in her eyes that it isn't clicking and if I can't even get past that with her then how is she ever going to be useful to me.

[Meh]

This just shouldnt be so much of a struggle. It's just the basics of life.
So why can't I say to my therapist: " So that friend that I have the one that isn't struggling and clueless, well tell me what she did, whatever she got that I didn't get...tell me how to get that"....

Because I didn't start therapy to ACCEPT that whatever she got I'm never going to understand/have.

[Meh]

Cross my eyes, sometimes I wonder why I'm still even writing anything here, because clearly nothing in my life is changing all that much.

Today, I walked back to a beading supply store that I had past on a prior walk. Messed around, I usually don't allow myself to f*ck around with nonsense like this. I gave myself a break, I thought about making my mother a pair of earrings. I didn't bring any cash with me as I never really walk around with money unless I have a specific thing I need to buy with it like tampons.

I really don't want to write this out as it's boring to write.

So there were some light purple beads that I stacked up on a headpin to imagine what it would look like as an earrings. I spent quite a lot of time trying to figure out some configuration that didn't look kitchy. Then I put them all back and went to the grocery store and bought a bag of BBQ potato chips for lunch since I was far away from "home". I ate them on my way home. Then I bought a watermelon and ate about 80 percent of it. Previous evening I had 3 pieces of cold pizza left out by some questionable person.
I dropped some of the pizza on the floor and then I put it right back into the box for the next person to eat. Gross right.

The watermelon was from my second walk, not the greatest choice because I had to haul it a long way "home". It's Sunday. I don't have a lot to do and I have to get out of here. I often combine my exercise effort and grocery shopping at the same time.

Somebody asked me how I was doing today and I told her "Sick of living in this shit hole"

Somebody put their turds into the washing machine. Rumor has it that she has IBS. Irritable bowel syndrome.
Yet parents at least know to put their kids poop into the garbage before washing the cloth diapers.

So anyways I've been avoiding doing the laundry machine thing for a while. I have enough clean clothes I don't need to do it yet.

Think I have been drinking too much coffee. I get it at the food bank can you believe it--right how dare I get free coffee while working people must pay for a luxury item such as that. (That is what I used to think myself).
It's not good for me anyways. I think I've just been juiced up because the last couple days it's been hell to get out of bed.

I went to church today and left early because I hate it when they make people shake each other's hands and say "may the love of Christ be with you". Maybe it's a social phobia.

Today was a nice day weather wise. I'm not interested in volunteering in the community garden anymore though. I feel too unincorporated. I still don't live here permanently, still don't have a permanent job.



 

[Meh]

Got back from spending the weekend at my mother's house to do a studio tour event with her.

A combo of maybe iron deficiency, PMS, birthday celebrations, maybe being sick, being allergic to her dog, all made me a royal itch. Oh well, can't help it, it's bad enough when I spend time at her place but add all the other things on top of it and it's too much.
So I drove around in the car with her doing the tour. Eef.....it was pretty boring. We stopped for a snack and beer midway. There were people sitting out on the porch in the nice weather relaxing at the restaurant we stopped at but my mother started complaining the second we got there that we needed immediate service and she wanted to sit near the bar so we did. It wasn't relaxing because the whole time she was impatient. Predictable.

There was also a house remodel guy there and the house reeked of glue. The woman my mother choose to plan and organize the remodel is doing a very unprofessional job so the whole time I was there she told me about how the sink had to be put in 3 times, they cut the marble the wrong way, the tiles were not the tile she ordered but she let them install it anyways. It's just dumb.
Every time she looks at the tile she is going to think: "That's not what I ordered". She should have just come up with an alternative that she liked. It was obvious when I first met the woman that she wasn't professional and organized but my mother paid her anyways. My mother installed a marble lined sink to wash her pet poodle in.

Her husband made a few snarkey comments but it's predictable so I just hear it and say to myself "Okay, I heard that but he's a jerk and I already know that, no surprise here". They have owned the same big flat screened TV for years and they still can't figure out how to use it. I don't own a TV, haven't had one for years now but even I can figure it out. So they discussed driving into town to rent a movie my mother wanted to see except that they didn't really want to bother to go into town. So her husband was talking and talking about the pay-per view thing on the TV, he couldn't get it to work and then gave up and turned the TV back on so I said "here let me try it"..In less than one minute I had the movie ordered and playing on their TV. They are just to lamest people sometimes. There was a part shipped in the mail that they needed for the remodel and they were too dumb to look in the box for the plumbing part that came with everything else so they went and purchased another part that didn't fit well and then noticed afterwards that they had the right part all along in the box.

I tried to hoe out some of her weeds near her vegetable garden but I realized that it was more work than I could complete because she doesn't really enjoy gardening--she isn't going to continue what I started or keep up with it. It requires too much effort and she is lazy. Anything that requires much effort she never gets too energized about it. She wanted me to put in some vegetables but I was like "whoa, this really needs to be weeded first".

There are a few plants that I put in years ago because there were some barren spots in their yard, now years later they have ripped them out the nice established perennials and replaced them with a few widely spaced marigolds that don't look very good. She said she wanted ground cover and once the plant does it's job "covering the ground"--she says it's taking over and it's "invasive". That is what a good ground cover is suppose to do.  

It's not my home, not my project. I'm not going to put that much effort into it. I get de-energized by them.

The house was nicely landscaped when they moved in but they have really ruined it by removing too many established plants.

It was boring.

[Meh]

Went on a canned clam chowder kick for the last three days. Today I got an extra can of clams to put into the chowder and got grossed out just too much clam for me after all. I like the small ones but not so much the ones that are mostly composed of their stomach contents that is green and breaks open into the clam chowder and turns it all into a sand-bit and sea-weedy mess. Seaweed and milk don't go together.

I have probably nothing to say, no major events, it's probably the lack of major events that is getting to me. Boredom and time passing and just doing nothing about it.

I think to myself "What happened to me". to ME

Where did ((I)) go.

As if I can not accept the current state of affairs and also can not do much to change it positively.

[Meh]

The over all quality of my life and how did it get this lame-o.

Summer is here. I don't have a vehicle, BBQ, spending money, don't really know anybody around here who does who's sanity isn't questionable. Somebody offered to take me with her to a park etc but I didn't want to go with her.

So how is my summer going to go? Am I allowed to have fun? How do I have fun at my age? People my age have fun by spending time with their children alternatively climb Mt. Everest .

I suppose I could find trees and books and a blanket and call it good. Just chill out.

I guess not only "Where did I go" but "where did fun go? "

Feeling that I need to write about minutia, so maybe I make the time to write it elsewhere.

[Meh]

I'm afraid of taking any leaps to do anything major or to go anywhere. Leaving and trying a better area is an idea that keeps on coming up for me but I'm worried about randomly just going somewhere with no money and nowhere in particular to go--that is logical, rational, reasonable. Sigh.

Breathe. So I worry, or am angry that I've gotten to this point.

I'm hateful, I want to punch the intern at the social worker's office. The intern that does her stupid text messages every 3 minutes.
I also want to punch the snot b*tch that works with her, also the "career something or other"...person who works there. All of them. I wonder why any of them get paid at all.

The intern who's project it is to help university students get food stamps? Of course these university kids can afford vehicles and gas and entertainment and beer--but I guess since their parents are paying for it- I pads and I phones and I pods and I everything.

No seriously I see people in line at the foodbank with Kindles and salon-highlights--huge SUV's? AND --I feel like I'm missing something I really do.



Anyways, I didn't really write probably what I wanted to write here only that my life has changed. All these things that are supposed to be like emergency type things has become a new way of life for me. This is it for me--right now.

I complain a lot to the people who ask me "how are you"---I just say crappy. I think it's just being honest but they see it as me being negative. I think well then stop F'ing asking me. Oh well right.

Today was really a beautiful day and I didn't do much at all. I wish that I had gone hiking or camping or BBQ'ed or done something. I find it really not practical to try to do any of the those things. I went to the library and checked out like 10 movies because it costs nothing. The librarian was elated that I actually brought my library card this time she was NICE to me for once. She even let me check out more movies than I was supposed to. Go figure.

Somebody got hauled away to a "psychiatric ward" last night or some such thing as was told by my "neighbor" I guess it was bothering her today because she had known the person for like 40 years. BUT why do I care!! I don't, I don't want to be friends with any of these people but I have to get along with them.

Today while I was in the kitchen one of the women I know who had drug issues in the "past" had to roll up her sleeves to do her dishes and I could see that her left wrist has about 8 punctures in it. It just sort of grossed me out, a little sad, a little grossed out.
At the same time she was saying she was unable to sleep.  It's pretty common around here, there is another woman who came back from spending a few weeks "with her boyfriend" out of town and came back with her right hand all marked up.

It gets on my nerves, people here are not supposed to be using anything--I guess the staff doesnt notice. I mean I know it's an addiction and everything but I just really don't want to be around it at all. I have even like an aversion to it. It reminds me of zombies.
"Animated Corpses".

It's sad, it's really remarkable how many people are impacted by drug abuse. It's like everyone knows somebody at some point in their lives who had a problem like this. Yet I still don't want to be around it--AT ALL. Not at all. I don't want to be here. This place isn't doing shit for my soul, my spirit, my self esteem. I don't belong here.


I thought today I would just take some old food magazines and sit under a tree and read recipes or something but I just didn't do it.

I put on a pair of earrings and a necklace and went for a walk. Attempted to put my hair up--sort of like an up-doo but I also never got the hang of it. That's about it.----------- As I was walking I looked at myself in the reflection of a window and saw the tennis shoes and the skirt and thought I looked like a frumpy dork--and really really wondered: Who the F am I anymore.

After about 10 movies I will find something else to do I hope. Something that doesnt involve couch potato type routines.








 

[Meh]

this morn im getting ready for an interview for a permanent job this time, unlike the seasonal and temp jobs ive had to use


so I had salsa and chips for breakfast because i'm sort of low on funds, i didn't make it to the foodbank because i wasn't feeling well and when i finally got down there the line was too long anyhow

it's going to be a crap bus trip with hours of waiting both ways at the bus station because the bus i need doesn't connect

so my frustration at how fing hard the little things are sometimes makes me want to cry or spit at the person that asks me how im doing and expects me to tell them "im happy" --but i'm not going to get into the whole cycle of frustration right now


so of course there is a part of me, the part that is pre-corporate slob, the part that is not the inner child--older but a believer and intuitive
this part was panicking this morning, an out of control claustrophobic pain around my heart

she says "NO, I don't want to do this job, i've spent years imprisoned inside lifeless cubicles and for what!!!"
she warns all sorts of things about how it will be a dead end job
i have to agree with her, she is right in her own way and thats okay---

the truth is i don't know where to find a place for her in this world--my waking reality of the me that interfaces with life is practical, mundane, anxious, bored, disappointed and responsible

this other part of me that is foreseeing one type of stuck for another type of stuck and a continual cycle

an aspect that needs freedom, creativity and to actually live out real potential in life to *live* and *be alive*
its probably my more artsy side, the seeking side, the adventurous side

I don't know how old this side is, maybe she is 20, 19, 22 yrs old

she seems to always be saying "life can be better" look at life, look at the world and experience it

versus the corporate self that says: what is my quota, what is on my calendar, what is in my e-mail, what is on my co-workers calendar,  what is my tight budget saying I'm allowed to do, pat my hair down, swipe the time clock, swipe it again, sign in, where is my key card, where do I park, look at my new work shoes, do i have energy to take a class at night, where is my something, try harder to look like i actually care, lie to them and say yes "i love processing paperwork, hundreds and hundreds of the same things, thousands of the same things"

i told the different me just to get through this one day, that i wouldn't lie to her, that yes this job would take up most of my energy and leave nothing left over, that it most likely isn't going to lead to someplace she wants to be...i thanked her, told her that i need to hear from her even if the outside world isn't reflecting back to her a place where she flourishes...still it's another part and she is speaking to me in terms of a panic, an anxiety a fear of sorts and thats okay, today is Friday and we only need to get through this one day

okay time to get dressed

[Meh]

Yesterday I managed to go hiking. Was pleasant and since it was such a very long time since I've done any outdoorsy activities it was sort of a reminder that things could be a hell of a lot different. Besides that I don't think there is much that I need to say at all.

Hiking gives me some sort of mental break and I really do feel like I can breathe better when I hike. Today the weather is not so good though or else I probably would have gone again today.

[Meh]

Occurs to me that "no-contact" is both real and symbolic.

It's real in the sense that being a self-contained/independent/unconnected adult theoretically seems possible and even maybe some people do it.

I think about how alienated I feel from my family and how very little they honestly care.

The contact part should be more easy.

Maybe I feel guilty when I try to be "contact" because I'm being "bad"--the little disobedient child.

Relatives can treat me like cr@p but nobody says a word to them about it. It's only if I'm no contact and the (I) am the one who is acting weird/even "being manipulative".

I guess the "symbolism" of no contact is maybe a belated expression that a kid might have of "I want to do it my own way"-- or "I can do it myself".

It's just taken me a very long time to realize that nothing related to my relatives is going to be "fixed" ever--meaning that it is never going to get better. In fact it has only gotten worse.

I don't know, why is it symbolic? It's supposed to be transformative. Be a catalyst for change but it isn't.

I've noticed that the therapists I've seen plainly can't relate to me. They don't understand, truly they just don't get it.
Socially in America this is suppose to be the solution to a bad childhood, a dysfunctional family, emotional problems, co-dependency whatever ya wanta call it--"go see a therapist". Why?

I'm just rambling here. Maybe just frustrated with the fact that the "path to solutions" really isn't.

bored of the mess