The social scientists have recognized this tendency to believe that "other people" eat properly, exercise regularly, have Better Homes & Gardens perfect abodes, and are extremely well-organized and self-disciplined. Statistically speaking, we exaggerate what we believe others are like and do... discounting ourselves... for both good/bad attributes. (No matter our backgrounds, parenting, trauma etc)
It's as if we use one set of judgements & standards & values for ourselves and another for "other people". Sometimes, we're the perfect ones and everyone else needs to get a clue... sometimes it's the other way round. To a social scientist, an N is simply someone who always believes they're perfect & that there's something flawed with everyone else. Despite data, evidence, etc even.
I've migrated in my reading to social science (which is where my interests in human behavior started oh so many years ago...) and I think I can finally see why I'm a bit "tangled up and confused" right now. It's like thinking in two different languages that have some overlap... say French and Spanish. From combining what I now know about psych (which will never be enough) and dysfunctional parenting and PDs with Social Science, there is a "bigger universe" with new patterns and clues emerging in my thinking, by overlaying the social science concepts onto the psych... and finding consistency, differences, etc.
Hops:
this last book I read dives into just what "self-discipline" is... what "willpower" is/isn't. I was hoping that I might learn something from the book, that I could put to use in my own struggles, you know? To construct what Gaining Strength always asked for: a how-to plan...
The dust hasn't settled yet on the creative integration of these new-er ideas in my head... but I am certain now, that "willpower" and "self-discipline" AREN'T value-based character attributes that people either have or don't have. Rather, they are skills and habits that people develop and the seed bed for those skills starts in childhood but most people work on this throughout their lifetimes - more intensely at some points, than others. So, to my way of thinking... everyone CAN learn these... degree of difficulty, natural ability and all that, will apply - but it can be done.
Where some of the "overlay" happens... is that thoughts and emotions are also involved in that learning... establishing and refining those skills. One emotion that was explained in some detail, was how shame fits into that process. And that often, say in the case of self-harm or self-sabotage habits, the shame actually generates the "energy" to keep the cycle going, in perpetuity. Which is one of the reasons those kinds of self-sabotage seem insurmountable and immutable - regardless of what is thrown at them.
Now, throw in relationships... in my instance... and relationship/attachment issues... and hypersensitivity to external control/criticism/ and defense-mechanism "controlling" to protect myself... and we have a toilet bowl of volatile variables again. The "what the hell effect" - of throwing away all self-discipline, working toward self-selected goals... "giving up"... because one small slip-up or deviance from the goal = abject and total failure in the totalitarian regime of shame... this gets magnified and becomes a self-protective habit.
That totalitarianism... of black/white thinking... and the constant no-win double-bind of shame/not ever being "good enough" to earn the performance reward of accomplishment is what I find myself trapped in and unable to articulate most of the time. That wouldn't contribute to a disruption of "attunement" or sense of well-being or being understood.... noooooooooooooo.
</sarcasm>
This also kills my motivation - my "want-tos" - even my want to being aware of what I really need. That's the "Ego Depletion" effect and it's a secondary, even complimentary process that helps shame regain it's reign of despair and agony. So that, one is drained of inner resources and overwhelmed with real, physical, emotional and intellectual needs... and yet unable to return to the necessary equilibrium on one's own. The studies have shown that people's glucose levels drop during the Ego Depletion phase and just like a diabetic who's blood sugar has dropped too low... one is unable to help oneself... and OH LOOK.... that's an opportunity for shame to creep in again, isn't it?
Whatever the habit one is trying to "edit" and change... I also know (belatedly) you have to start with a complete assessment of "where you are right now"... your starting point. Fusing in what we've all learned here... some self-compassion is a good combination with that assessment.
Remove or at least lower the shame-factor involved in where you calculate that starting point is, in comparison to other people (because there's a better than 50% chance you're distorting where others are). Shame is one of those tools that can backfire easily... like a double-edged sword. Shame can motivate... shame over-used or misused can deny one the chance to self-regulate, removes the satisfaction reward... the performance achievement... people shut down, give up, stop trying and then blame/shame themselves.
Then find a reward that fills part of one's genuine needs. Like a "down payment", no matter how small... it will start to add up. Pennies, to dollars, etc... drops of water to oceans...
I'm talking this out, as much for myself as to suggest the ideas to you, Hops. To make sure I understand it, myself. The "hope" in all this, is that even by making small, incremental changes... one creates the energy - and perhaps what I call the "space" - to add in more small changes, after enough time has elapsed to make the first changes "automatic"... in other words, habit or routine.
And over a longer period of time, those new habits become "definitions" of part of "who we are"... identity or self.
I THINK, anyway. I'm still experimenting; and so far... so good. I've been able to "edit" a few small habits... adding in a couple... they now seem normal... and I'm "programmed" to want to keep to those habits. I don't "like" not keeping to those habits. Now, to expand the scope... without shooting for the long-range goals and skipping all the steps in between that all-together create the ability to achieve the long-term goal.
Maybe the terms of this way of talking/thinking about these kinds of issues aren't going to be so useful to everyone. I found that working from and in the emotional space, well... it just didn't go far enough... and it missed some things entirely that I need to work on... and I was getting to be an emotional junkie - needing lots & lots of reassurance - but not "getting on with it.
