New thread for flirting, opposite sex relationship stuff

[Hopalong]

Oh, TT. You are a genius.
Please come coach my life.

there is a vast difference between harmless ingrained habits picked up from one's habitat and ingrained harmful habits learned in one's habitat/environment whether FOO or otherwise.

AND

the wisdom of this approach took root before I said yes, otherwise, I might have gone into this marriage following the same pattern that consumed my early life, looking for perfect love in the perfect man

AND

I am so, so happy for you.

love,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Bless you tt. I needed to hear that.

It helps. I'm getting closer to distilling the "issue" down to something really simple. Hopefully, that makes it easier to "fix" too.

[sKePTiKal]

So... yesterday... I'm looking for something to occupy my restless brain (so I stop obsessing on trying to find my motivation to exercise- LOL). It was quiet here - but I have all my bookmarks from when I was working and remembered someone's blog that I really enjoyed. Went to see if it was still up... and lo and behold... she's written a few things about "intimacy" and how in some families the practice supported a lot "psychological distance" - in other words, lots & lots of space between family members. She doesn't do therapy online - but I've found a lot of what she's written really helpful.

SEEMS... that in couples there can be a mismatch between the accustomed "comfort zone" of lots of psychological/emotional distance and emotional needs. There is no "right/wrong" or target compatibility to achieve... but that awareness of this helps both people figure out what they need... and how to do it... without this kind of friction or emotionally downward spiral that I've been talking about with hubs.

Lightbulb went on for me. OF COURSE, in dysfunctional FOOs (and she also uses the "family of origin" terminology) there is a vast horizon of psychological distance - what I've been saying is my "space". Whether that stems from one members' Nism, PDs, plain old ignorance, denial or neglect (or abuse)... the further away I was from my mom: the safer I was; the more I could hear "just my voice", the more I could take care of my own needs (including emotional) - because it was dicey to make any suggestions that my mom was responsible for these. So I grew up with this sort of disgruntled loner pattern of personality. Loner - because I'd been severely "burned" by trusting my mom to take care of me... and disgruntled because I NEEDED someone to care about me; that intimacy connection. This conflicted pattern got reinforced while I was healing, too.

I carved out even more space in my relationship w/hubs... with the justification that I was healing. I added in other people - here and in 3-D. And I started to learn that it was safe to trust again... but there was something missing and that something is "intimacy". Not sex and loving and snuggling per se... for me, my craving was for someone to SEE me, to KNOW me without imposing their idea of "who I am" on me based on their idea of how I "should" be... and to tell me honestly what they see vs my own idea (and abusively biased predjudiced opinion of "who I am"). The mirroring/marking of "attachment".

The kind of intimacy I'm talking about... is something hubs is really good at. We've been doing this all along -- and Amber, the "completely miss the obvious" girl -- hasn't seen it. And always - always - I'm not allowing the psychological distance between us to shrink. I feel like I spend a lot of time in his space; catering to his needs... you know? That builds that resentment cycle. But I don't let him get close to me, don't allow him the opportunity to cater to mine. My youngest D - the one who's engaged - was the only way I could see this. She went through a series of really awful relationships, after a horrible nightmare first marriage... and our conversations about relationships always came back to that odd parallel between us... that we couldn't just lay down our defenses and just TRUST the other person... because of how many times we trusted the WRONG person. I think we've both been able to see it in the other - my D and me - but she got to seeing it in herself, before I did. She and I do NOT have a lot distance in our relationship -- even when we don't communicate with each other for months.

So... long story short, I'm my own worst enemy here. I'm craving that intimacy and then backing off, withdrawing, into my own space... to take care of my own needs... and DAMN IT - this particular thing absolutely REQUIRES a second person.

Altogether now: DUH AMBER!!!  LOL....

Here's the link to "therapydoc"... she's funny, warm, smart and even a little wacky at times... and that seems to get through my overly-complex, make simple things difficult, way too serious brain. There are quite few articles on intimacy - this one popped up - and after reading it, I gotta say.... OOOOOOO... how did she know that about me???

http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com/2007/02/intimacy-and-fear-of-exposure.html

Here's another, that actually provides an example of a "how-to" and touches on how PLAY figures into all this intimacy-relationship-stuff...

http://everyoneneedstherapy.blogspot.com/2006_05_01_everyoneneedstherapy_archive.html#114882442304150827

[sKePTiKal]

PS -

on the subject of psychological distance... this concept also explains why I've had to work so hard on hostessing. It's because I feel that psych-space (it's a feeling for me)... the sanctified "safe zone"... has been invaded, when there are other people in it and I exhaust myself running around trying to make a perfect experience for each person. Fortunately - most of the people who've stayed - "got it" even when I didn't... and they're helping by giving me opportunities to practice. I've gotten a lot more comfortable having people in my house - without killing myself in the process. (OK... so I'm still a little over-compensating and perfectionstic... but it's nowhere near as unconscious and totally overwhelming as it used to be; I can go to the door in my fuzzy pants when we're just lazy and being couch-potatoes... without being too self-conscious to make sense; I don't have to be the activity director, waitress & housekeeper - I can actually have fun too and no one feels neglected.)

OH YEAH... and anyone who tells me not to worry about the pet-hair dust bunnies just for them - they'll be just fine... usually relaxes me about all that crap.