My new T is female, specializing in anxiety, depression, trauma and addiction with 13 years in recovery herself. She practices traditional therapy, intuitive counseling, EMDR, TRM, energy, spiritual and Buddhist psychology, and life coaching.
I like her approach, bc she references the work of other doctors I've studied, and brain science to help me understand what we're doing, and how it helps. She takes time to really make sure I have some ONE important element, and take that with me when I leave her office.
I've seen her twice, and will see her weekly for a while.
She explained why trying to gut out way out of anxiety is so difficult. The amygdala and limbic system are already online, and we have to get under them, and unhook them with breathing, which engages our parasympathetic nervous systems. The more we breath into the PSNV, the more we build those pathways, and train our brains away from anxiety.
She'd like me to use Kardia 3 times a day, whenever, and at times of stress. Everything involves the breathing in... filling a vase, bottom up... stomach pushed out, and the breathing out.... slow, and complete.
Pushing on walls WITH ALL YOU HAVE, is useful. I notice I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD BE DOING DOING DOING, and pushing is very helpful at those times. I push on the steering wheel in the car sometimes, and that's helpful too. Remembering to breath is getting easier. I was always a shallow breather, and notice I actually stop breathing when I'm stressed.
Walking backwards, slowly, around a garbage can or anything on the floor, while breathing.
She added cross body patting this week. Cross arms over, hands on shoulders gently patting one at a time, slowly. If we go fast, we can create anxiety. Slow is calming so.... gentle pat.... wait a couple seconds then gentle pat again. Can do this on thighs as well, making sure arms crossing over body.
When she asked if I had a happy place, I realized I don't have one anymore that I visit. When I tried to go to the one I used during the trials..... it was just heartbreaking. I'm really sad about the time, and years I lost, and what my girls lost during those years. I used to picture myself walking into my house, which is where we lived when the girls were born, and greeting the girls... J in green foot in jammies.... Loldest by 22mo, in a diaper for some reason, but there, very real, and we just had a normal day in that happy place. Now it's a trigger.
In the past, with other Ts, they'd try to have me picture a grotto, or some unknown place, and that had me feeling like I needed to push on a wall.... to DO.... it felt like the lions were clawing through the door, how could I BE in this place that meant nothing to me?
I tried my own childhood this time, and that was triggering.... I think anything to do with children at this time is triggering for me. The child drawings on the walls were triggering as I looked around and paid attention to my surroundings, SO.... big information for me.
The next time I tried, I went back to my house, before the girls and second marriage, but after the first divorce, and I walked in my amazing tomato garden. I could see what I was wearing, my tools, smell the plants, and tend the compost bin, tie the vines.... feel the sun on my eyelids, and shoulders, and hear the birds, and insects.
I'd never experienced such relief, amazing, joyful, immediate, and addictive... I want to go back and back and back. I rely on it, in my mind, as a tool, and I'm not sure I could have found it without someone looking me in the eye, and leading me through the triggers and sadness, and pulling me out, and through it.
I don't have to go back and revisit all the trauma and heartache. I don't have to understand it, or anyone involved in it. I just have to practice breathing, building pathways, and training my brain to have choice, and choose.
Another thing that's making sense is the PAT.... training my brain to tolerate feeling OK, which is alien for me, not strong strong, but certainly there. I imagine it's more difficult for lots of people, but I can feel the undercurrent when I'm paying attention. PAT... Pleasure Affectation Tolerance? I think?
Anyway, I'm feeling very attached to this T, and she's so patient, and kind, and explains everything, and doesn't move on before I'm WITH her, and getting what she's trying to share.
I like the Buddhism. I like the references to Tara Brach, and Bessel VanDerKolk, and polyvagal theory, and WHAT the heck that tapping to the left of me belly button IS.... the psoas muscle holds a lot of energy, and memories and energy are stored in the body, and we're energetic beings.
This ties everything together, and makes sense of it for me.
I know choosing a T is so important, and I have clarity on that now.
The journey continues,
Lighter
