2019 Farm Life

[sKePTiKal]

Might as well get the thread opened up for this year, to remind me to THINK about what I need to, want to, and really ought to do. Digression is an essential part of this process, LOL... and will occur frequently no doubt.

Top 2 projects on the consideration list, are a generator & fencing, at the moment. Still lots of things to purge/organize and finish up around here... along with what the Holly Hut will be and when. She says she has an idea to draw out now, so I'm waiting on that. Still scouting locations too. Still thinking about; designing in my mind, an outdoor, wood-fired kitchen too.

Still have resident house guest, but given his improvement over the time he's been here... and other things... I sense he may be beginning to think of new plans. The number of people arriving here, over this Holly birthday weekend could be intimidating him some. It'll be a crowd, though not as large as last year. Typical boy-girl things happening between him & Holly too... though she immediately let him know in no uncertain terms that wouldn't be a good thing for either one of them.

Seed catalogs have been showing up every week - but things are still WAY too soupy out here, to do anything even given the milder temps this winter. I might get the kitchen beds & rock garden going perhaps. We shall see. I'm stronger now than I was last year but those concrete blocks are still heavy, I'm working on a hill, and there are other rocks to work around. Getting that done - and creating a visual "fence" above it, at the edge of my parking area - would enable being able to order a load of gravel... and get me motivated to work at cleaning up the other side of the drive - toward the studio and cliff. Still need to build wood storage, too.

Mostly, we just need to make space, in the existing footprint of the buildings... organize stuff... and get more serious about getting Holly squared away in her own domain, where she can rule supreme.

[Hopalong]

I'm drooling for the occasional photo you might feel comfortable posting for a short bit.

SO love your life! Hearing about it is vicarious but also motivational.

xo
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, I haven't been able to post pics here - which I can understand. But perhaps a photo hosting site link? funny thing is, I literally don't have that kind of time to "show off" what's been going on around here; go figure.

Today is prepping food for the birthday girl's party. Love my crockpot; going to make a zingy version of my pulled pork BBQ. Folks are bringing a lasagna. I think we've got the sleeping arrangements figured out; still need to give my (and kitties' safe space) quarters a once-over cleaning. It's a dog-free zone. Monday, Hol has to drive into Dulles to pick up a friend from Portland at the airport. (I've known him since they were in HS.) So, it's going to be - and actually has been - a revolving door; grand central station around here. Thank god the freezer was stocked. (reminds me: should clean out the fridge for space...)

I have some more observations about resident house guest, but after the party migrates to the studio space... I'm probably going to bow out and leave 'em to it. Been too many late, intense discussion nights around here. And while we're able now, to talk about other things and laugh ourselves silly... I think I've reached the point where it either sinks in; he owns some of the ideas about what we've been talking about... or he doesn't. So perhaps, I'll feel like I have the space & privacy to write that down.

Yeah, I feel kinda like persona non grata in my own house. But I did know what I was getting into; and I can assure you - this isn't going to become a permanent situation.

[Hopalong]

You're on it.
I know you will (re-pee on your personal fence line)...

BRAVO. He's learned a lot and good for you for not lapsing into caretaking. He's a big boy.

Hope the upcoming festivities are still fun! Sounds like H is importing her crew one handful at a time. And I bet they all LOVE coming to the mountains, breathing great air, partying in beauty. And you.

love
Hops

[lighter]

I'm looking forward to a thread where H builds her own little house, with room for all her guests.

Amber, you can visit, and engage as often as is comfortable for you!

Lighter
 

[sKePTiKal]

I'm way more aware that there are paths I can't guide someone on, than I used to be. And if someone only listens politely - then continues on the same path they asked for help with getting off - my frustration levels build.

And it's starting to hit Hol, as well... she has more patience than I do, for this kind of "woe is me, help me, but look at me, talk to me not what you want to talk about... because woe is me" treadmill. I don't suffer martyr-Nism, even in it's milder forms, too well. There is a huge difference between true long-lasting misery or grief, and the kind that is used for manipulative purposes. I'm not at all sure I'm qualified to tell them apart.

But I feel what I feel, TOO, dammit. And as it happens, I do hold the command/control authority here - I have hard copy of the orders my friend wrote out for me.

I am NOT running a home for wayward, benighted travellers on life's rougher roads and when I feel I have to take precautions to keep those staying here safe from their own darker tendencies - it's time for them to MOVE ON and try something else. I have my own stuff to deal with - as does Hol. And while I'm happy to offer temporary respite from "life" to the occasional visitor... it's become too damn inhibiting for me.* And perhaps that's a problem I should solve and deal with and change...

but something tells me, when it's MY SPACE... I shouldn't HAVE TO.

And I just had to write that all down, where I can see it... even though I said as much to Hol's boss yesterday (who was here for her birthday party); he's immensely perceptive and intelligent & interesting and even helpful. He & I escaped into talking about historical stuff a lot and that helped.

Writing makes a thought-process an artifact for me. Something concrete. But I'm not at all happy to have to have retreated to my bed & kitty safe-space, to be able to do this in my own home. I resent the hell out of it. And now, I'm going to develop as kind a way to deal with that, as I can.


*What I mean here, is that I have to walk on eggshells in my own home. I have been told to keep my plain-speaking thoughts (ascribed as "dark", because I mean what I say and much of that is based on experience) to myself... to restrain the "mommy-lecture" reflex... etc. To where I feel a prisoner to one person's inability to deal with his own crap. And I know for a fact, I'm not the only one who felt that over the weekend.

[Hopalong]

but something tells me, when it's MY SPACE... I shouldn't HAVE TO.

But you do have to because he is ignorant, so why bother resenting. (Easy for me to say as I'm positive I would go there.) Still, you can calmly SPEAK UP and not wait for anyone to guess or read your mind or approve of your choice. Especially not read your mind. If you're been up to your elbows trying to save/reprogram a youNgun and suddenly his lack of noticeable respect or change for all your efforts flips your I've-had-it switch, well, you don't need to explain anything. You owe nobody an intact eggshell in your own space.

Such as:
"Hey, it's been really interesting having you visit. But I need my space/mountain back now. You're welcome through XX [hour or day or date], but then it's checkout time. Hope things are going better soon." He packs, loads, you smile kindly like an older parental-age person does, and wave bye-bye. Noooooooooo drama, drawn out anything. It's a straightforward adult conversation and you are only in charge of one end of it.

All that can be calm and friendly but not, "I'm your new intimate pal so this is a draaaama." No it ain't. Just an adult comfortable with meeting her own needs. Boundareeeeeeeeeeeeeees....

(Damn, I am sounding so BOSSY lately. What's up w/me? Anyhow, dilute all this to the appropriate temp, plz.)

xxxoo
Hops

[lighter]

Amber:

You'll explain your position to this house guest , perhaps plainly if necessary, and you'll feel OK about doing it.

 I hope. 

After all, you've shared your bread, wisdom, and patience.  Now you're ready for him to make use of these gifts. 

Or not. 

It seems this young man's journey has stalled.  Moving on might be helpful to him.   

It was very kind of you to extend yourself, and your farm, in any case.  He'll look back, and feel gratitude.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Recent example of the exquisite sanity of Carolyn Hax (Wash Post columnist who gets a B+++ on nearly everything, in my bood):

Q: Nope, you have to stay!
Is there any way to deal with someone who feels that you politely excusing yourself from a conversation or social gathering (because the subject matter makes you uncomfortable, because you're tired, because you need to introvert) is unspeakably rude? I'm guessing nope?

A: Carolyn Hax
Depends. The intimacy of the relationship makes a difference to how you manage.

But in general, my advice is to just do what you need to do and politely rebuff corrections that cross personal boundaries. Not just here, but everywhere.

— JAN 04, 2019 12:39 EST

[sKePTiKal]

Good sense from both of you. Thanks.

That's just it, about not resenting him tho - "it all about him" and what he's dealing with and if we take care of ourselves, then he retrogrades to not taking care of himself. And the fuse on my anger over crap like that is already lit. I can head it off at the pass; find a third path... but I'm going to have to be quick because now Hol is feeling used up too. After JUST getting her back on her feet from her breakup.

I can't be worrying about his state of mind, whether all my tools are locked up, what else he's going to destroy in his misguided belief he can help - without asking or finding out how things work... etc.

I need MY LIFE back and as it stands, all the ways Hol wanted to "improve" my life and have fun with mom aren't possible because he's here. She has another friend here, who flew from Portland - and she's hardly spent any time with him. (HE doesn't need a mommy or caretaker or someone keeping an eye on him.)

[Hopalong]

Checkout time....

Need a bellhop? Hopsette?

Hope the coast is soon clear and calm.

love
Hops

[lighter]

Sounds like it's time, Amber.

[sKePTiKal]

Minor crisis here:

Holly went to investigate the difficulty of hooking up the plow to the ranger - I have a delivery coming next week and this weekend looks to be a repeat of last weekend's 9.5 inches of snow - so it would be good to have the ability to plow the driveway. So far, only her redneck jeep and the ranger have made it up the hill, to where our road is plowed. Cleaned off my jeep yesterday and the plan is to get out and get over the mountain for my monthy errands over there.

So, I can't find the remote cable that operates the winch, which operates the blade. Dammit. My brain is so tired from trying to absorb and contain and endure house guest's manic, anxiety-driven activity - and self-absorption - that I haven't sleep well this whole month. He's not unpleasant; unlikeable; just not able to regulate himself - thoughts, emotions or behaviors. And Hol is enabling the continuation of that state, although SHE has an escape hatch, spending time with her new sweetie.

We have been making plain that we are not equipped to teach him how to do that. And the resulting eggshell-walking required to not trigger his depressive phase is mind-blowingly IMPOSSIBLE. Anything and everything can set him off... and what he wants to describe about himself or talk about triggers US. He finally made contact with a place here that has both in/out patient care. They've told him to go to the ER first, for evaluation. Makes sense; is easy... and they have some temporary space for mentally ill people. I think he's simply dealing with a mountain-load of stress that he can't handle intellectually or emotionally all in one big swallow at once. But, to repeat myself - neither Holly or I are capable of helping him with that.

So, the plan is - I'm going over the mountain today for my errands. Holly will take her other guest, who is getting a bit of cabin fever and is a long-time close friend... and attempt to drop off the resident house guest with the issues, at the hospital. It's right on the way into town.

I'm going to be happy to see him go. I'm not adopting grown children this year; or next year either. Don't hate him, but he's making me damn crazy... and I'm tired of not being able to say, do, think or feel those things in my OWN HOUSE. And Holly is going to hear that loud & clear once he's cleared out. I'm not running a ward for people who can't cope with life, here.

Has to be today; last weekend we got snowed in. And snow is coming again tomorrow.

[lighter]

Yikes, Amber.

 I got chills thinking about you getting snowed in AGAIN with the troubled young man.

Hurry... but keep safe.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Yeah, now he's changed his mind and decided instead of waiting in the ER, he'll make an appt with someone private. Sight unseen, of course. Hol says she's trying to be compassionate, but when his anxiety makes it impossible for me to relax in my own home... I'm out of compassion. It ain't limitless, and starts to very much look like taking advantage - given he's taken liberties in my studio, even AFTER I've suggested a good workspace, and why.

He's working with dirt, ashes & old cigarette butts and making one hell of a mess on our socializing table. I said: at least put wax paper under your work... but NOoooo. This is apparently "rude" as well.

If you see an explosion in the near future... you'd be right. I'll drive him myself. JUST to get my house & space back from this kind of "feel sorry for me, but don't try to help me, because I don't know what I want to do... oh, and feel sorry for me because I'm trying not to be a problem even though I pace back & forth in the studio in mania, and between the buildings at all hours of the night - never turning off lights; turning off heaters that are supposed to be left on; and never locking a door.

I'm officially angry now; Hol is aware without me saying it - she's at the end of HER ROPE, as well, and it's now work for her to feel compassion. She didn't comment about my opinion that she's enabling his indecision with "compassion".