Author Topic: 2019 Farm Life  (Read 1048 times)

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #105 on: May 17, 2019, 02:43:53 PM »
What Lighter said. Mega dittos.

And you are far from "helpless", Amber hon.

I think what you face, as an amazingly competent woman facing the natural changes of aging, is befriending it. Or if not making friends with the modifications you are rational enough to make...at least making peace.

You can do this too. It comes to all of us. Denial doesn't help but the gradual compromises we ALL (no matter how Viking) need to make are not the same as capitulation to uselessness and helplessness just because we can't do everything EXACTLY the way we used to.

We are different. And that is okay. There's peace and beauty available about all this. You can find it.

It ain't over. You had a little accident. Forgive yourself. Consider mental space for those projects and plans that aren't herculean, from which just as much satisfaction can be gleaned.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #106 on: May 18, 2019, 09:25:57 AM »
Thanks, ladies. I'm fine. The thoughts have been getting some analysis though.

Yes, I know - they're JUST a thought and as long as I don't bind myself to it - they're gone as fast as they occur to me. It's one of the real treasures in Buddhist philosophy. Whatever in our minds is ego, likes to think that every thought it can concoct is THE most true, important, and instinctive one EVER. I find the opposite is way more true, in actual practice.

I no longer care to know exactly where or how a particular thought-judgement about myself got bound to me. I scrutinize it on objective merits with actual examples from experience. With SO much noise in the world these days, I've got a lot of practice deciding if something is "important" to me or not; or if it's interesting, draws me, or is just something curious. So when the subject is my own thought - especially when it's colored in emotional judgement - I've been applying the same skills to it.

It was purely an accident. My last fender-bender was over 40 years ago; inattention due to a display of antique furniture along the roadway. LOL. This time, my position in the seat - due to the physical attributes of the vehicle and the maneuver - made it almost impossible for me to reach that pedal without at least a few more seconds to move. My path was clear until it wasn't; and there wasn't enough time for brain-body to manage all the info needed at the same time. Unique circumstances; my turn. My mistake about not getting the brake; but I can also see how superhuman-fast I'd have to move to do so. I was already not having such a "with it" day, too. Didn't WANT to go shopping, just decided to get it over with.

Usually, there's not a soul on our road too. So I wasn't expecting grand central station that morning.

As for getting old - I am dealing with that a LOT these days. Not so much physically. I've just never given much thought to BEING old(er). So, I've gotten the angst about mortality pretty much dealt with. It's the space between now and then, I'm concerned with.

So, the choice of the farm - turning this chunk of the Mother into a nurturing, peaceful, self-sustaining bit of dirt - was perfect for me. There is ALWAYS something to do or that needs doing. Chores repeat themselves; new ideas generate new projects; each sub-circle-system has requirements... which as I build them, I'm doing so with the idea that my physical abilities are just fine right now... but aren't always going to be. On the other hand - I am purposely making sure I don't make it so easy around here, that it contributes to physical decline.

But my over-active imagination - my blessing & curse - can't just always work until I die. NEW thought occurred to me, that I'm looking at this the wrong way. (Again! LOL) Why can't I just design that TIME between now and then, the way I want it? Or try to, anyway. I know better than to attempt to bend life to my ideas about it. But perhaps a truce of sorts can be negotiated. Work out a decent compromise... so life can continue on it's trajectory, while I "make pretties" along the way. Have adventures. That kind of thing.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #107 on: May 18, 2019, 01:05:16 PM »
Such a good thought, Amber.

Designing your time, the way you want it.

Again, it's about choices, and not taking what comes to us.  You can change course, add to the plan, or subtract. 

Does it sometimes feel like things are cemented in place?  Just FEEL that way?  Any part of it? 

Good to remind yourself nothing is forever, and you serve yourself.   

Just because you're doing things a certain way now,  or planning to do things a certain way,  doesn't mean you can't pivot.

You can, and it doesn't have to mean anything at all. 

Viking sKeP begins wielding power, sans judgement.

"Power resides where men believe it resides." 
Varys GOT

Rhetorical question here...

DO you feel empowered, fully, and without reservation or doubt, or the hitching of breath, or holding of it.... emotionally?  Physically?

You're right... you can write these next chapters for yourself.

Is there something there, you're not aware of maybe, that keeps you from feeling you're in control?

Glad you're feeling better, Amber.

Lighter



Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #108 on: May 18, 2019, 05:40:01 PM »
I really like that idea too! Designing your time rather than endless projects.
Should help you prioritize.

You just seem so buried in construction, mega projects, etc., that at times I wonder if you'll miss a dimension. But that's me, socially dependent, and not physically strong, and just in a different place.

That said, I wonder if designing your time will include time for:
FARM Mega projects
FARM Minor projects
SOLO SELF Art
SOLO SELF Relationships tending or seeking
FAMILY SELF Hol et. al
COMMUNITY SELF Volunteering/3-D community activity

Hugs
Hops who is talking to herself, actually
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #109 on: May 19, 2019, 12:18:26 PM »
Yeah, no Hops. For one thing, I absolutely don't have the craving, desire, need to make images (art) anymore. It may/may not return. My creativity is going into the farm, planting, etc. And that's actually my kind of FUN. Right now, the clematis and rhododenrens are starting to fade from the height of their glory but they were absolutely gorgeous this year; roses are coming on and it'll soon be time for mountain laurel too. I have a lilac and really nice red raspberry to plant. A couple plum tomatoes; all the garlic & onions I planted are up... and I'm really glad I finished the kitchen beds, with Holly's help.

I have pre-paid my volunteering debt many years ago. I'm feeling more needy these days than generous; but that's transient. Tomorrow I could see someone that I could totally help and drop everything to do so. It's either directly person to person for me, or totally anonymous. There is nothing, no reason, for me to bother with anything in between. That just feeds ego.

There might be a few adventures left in me - but I don't know what they are yet. Investigating that. And my idea of "community" is much different than "normal". It's more like Vonnegut's korass. So that, I may not interact with someone for 20 years - and then when I do, we just take off from where we left off. It crosses time and space.

And I have one basic emotional need at the moment - fill that hole available for a guy who can assure me he's there for me... but doesn't suffocate me, that will let me do the same for him too. When I "crash & burn" emotionally, it's because even the strongest people crave someone to turn to, that they can lean on - emotionally, intellectually, mechanically - whatever.

Fortunately, that need isn't a constant; it's just a periodic thing. Like maybe every 6 months to annually; LOL. My pack of big brothers all look out for me and even try to stand-in for that need when it comes up, too. Ya can't beat that! No socks to wash. I get the most fabulous compliments from the married guys, actually. Guys my age or older; and the younger guys - Hol's age. They are super-sweet to me and very helpful. And it's like grandchildren - I can send them home again. LOL.

Some of them aren't the epitome of "tall, dark & handsome" or even that strong anymore - but if I call or say please help... they're right there. Even Ronnie. Maybe it's coz I don't ask - don't have to ask - that often. Got another guy, that we've been talking for years about a trade. He's making me something I've wanted for the long time, himself. I'm trading him something he's wanted for a long time. AND he's going to give my Rubicon a thorough going over. After he drives here from south of where I lived on the beach. We both know he's terminal due to some blatant medical malpractice; but he was the one person I could call at 3 am, 3 sheets to the wind and bawling my eyes out about Mike or madder than hell and he just let me vent, calmed me down, and helped me stop beating myself up over not being a trauma nurse or endowed with the power of life and death.

I don't know if I'm going to be able to stop hugging him when he gets here. LOL.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #110 on: May 19, 2019, 09:51:30 PM »
Wow.
You really do make deep connections with men, Amber.
And it's beautiful to hear about.

I hope the fella you described arrives soon and that connection gives comfort to you both.

I am finding myself stunned by connection with sweet M, who has been the most unexpectedly right arrival in my life, at 69... I am anchored for the first time in so very very long (maybe ever) in belonging, safety and trust. It is amazing. And he is reciprocating so overwhelmingly that I know it's real for us both.

Who'd a thunk it.

I am mentally sending you his cowboy twin.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Twoapenny

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #111 on: May 20, 2019, 12:35:03 AM »
Skep, I'm sorry about your accident and glad there's no major damage, human or otherwise.  I think it's very easy to be off balance when you're facing the wrong way and going backwards instead of forwards!  You're body's doing everything in reverse so easy to see why your foot went to the accelerator rather than the brake.  It does shake you up, and sorting out repairs can be such a faff.  I hope you're okay and that everything gets sorted out fairly smoothly now xx

sKePTiKal

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #112 on: May 20, 2019, 01:26:54 PM »
Thanks Tupp. The insurance red tape has been remarkably easy. Never expected that; I was dreading it. But that went a long way toward me not getting stuck in blaming myself. Looks like it's going to get fixed; and when I have an ETA on that, I'll see if the guy who really wants to buy it is still interested - with full disclosure. It drives just fine. Just needs some pretty serious body work.

So, I need to spend time car shopping. I do NOT want another new, complicated car with all the electronic bells and whistles.

Hops, yes - when I find certain types of guys I tend to bind to them tighter than a tick. LOL. Even if they're not "mine" in that kind of relationship. And I am talking to a "cowboy" from one of the dating sites actually. 68 and training to race motocross in his age class. It's all very casual, easy and two people just talking with each other.

He seemed to take my ideas about having some major space & freedom within a relationship in stride. And the distance doesn't seem to bother him (he's in Texas). We'll see if we graduate to email.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: 2019 Farm Life
« Reply #113 on: May 21, 2019, 12:52:01 PM »
He sounds interesting, Amber!
Will enjoy hearing how/if it grows.

My 17 y/o Honda CRV is an amazing car.
My favorite ever. Love driving it, being a bit
above the road so visibility is great, comfortable
off road, etc. Highly recommend 'em. And with the
delightful exception of the brake handle (see it, you'll
get it) all the controls are reality based (not designed
by somebody thrilled with layers of menus, etc.)


Good luck on the car choosing! I got this one used
(had been a soccer mom car) and it's kept on chugging.
No problems at all, just routine maintenance.

xxoo
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."