but something tells me, when it's MY SPACE... I shouldn't HAVE TO.
Hol thinks a person can always rise above and conquer personal limitations and should. I see it more like an allergy; it's part of how I'm constituted.
I've had a new idea tossed at me, that I want to run by you all. It's confusing me.
The idea is that we can simply CHOOSE to not feel old feelings from the past and instead free our feelings from the past associations and simply feel something new/different in the now. That it is simply a matter of choosing, will, and practice.
-------------------------------
It sure wasn't that way at all, grieving Mike. Those feelings would show up when I least expected them. Sometimes with no trigger.
So, ok. I know affirmations can be useful to feel differently. I know certain realizations can lift the 16-ton anvil of "over-responsibility" for others and their feelings; sort of a manic "personal responsbility" to "save the world"... and that's not ANYONE'S job.
But I also know that acceptance of the feelings associated from past experiences is absolutely necessary, to heal from them and that trying to avoid them - pretend they don't exist - or telling yourself you're "choosing" to not feel those things is one reason those feelings just DON'T.GO.AWAY (and some of us do suffer the psychosomatic physical consequences) and almost anything can trigger them... and you can find yourself years later still stuck in feeling the same emotions as in the past, almost AS IF - it is part of WHO you are.
That it's not just something that happened to you years ago; and you felt a certain way then - and have moved on, but that it was important to your definition of your SELF, to incorporate those feelings into your everyday reality. Whether anxiety, fear, terror, paralysis... guilt/self-blame for not being a super-hero...
I'm kinda rambling to get the ideas in my head, OUT where I can see them; where you can see them too... and maybe offer some "and" to the "either/or" opposites of these two ideas and our very real experiences. Maybe chronic abuse and trauma emotions differ from the more "garden variety" life emotions. Maybe a part/parcel of those extreme experiences have permanently altered the neural pathways and really ARE a "part of who we are" now.
I dunno what I think exactly. I am hearing a bit of subtle assumption that feeling those old feelings is somehow "wrong" or "limiting" or a waste of life moments. Which I know for a fact is NOT true, when you're actively working on yourself. But maybe there's an aspect of it which IS true, when a person is so attached to that one defining experience that it becomes a defining characteristic of one's self.
I kinda also think that we Amazons have been, still are, actively involved in sorting out this bit of "emotional logic" for ourselves, in a way that frees us from those old reflexes of feeling, at all different levels. So of course, I'm posing this puzzle to you all for imput! From your own experience.
Maybe it'll help me find an "aha!" somewhere in my thinking on it. Maybe you will find one.
ETA:
This "choosing what you feel" idea seems popular. Not necessarily effective... this article kind of makes sense to me on the topic:
https://heleo.com/choosing-happy-doesnt-work-heres-instead/10498/
ETA2:
Maybe the feelings don't stop/go away and are an accepted part of who we are -or rather WERE... AND... we can allow ourselves to change, grow, and not let those feelings be the "defining characteristic" of us???
S'OK Tupp... the initial flurry of joy at a real connection with someone is starting to pass a bit. He lives 100s of miles from me, so we can't see each other much - and yes, I'm pretty busy at the moment. I think I'm getting myself back under control (as much as is normal anyway) again.
There are many more things that go into a relationship, and time is one that can't be ignored. Since this is going to be "long distance" for at least a year (and perhaps never happen) we'll see what develops. I think I just didn't realize how starved I was for male face to face attention and interaction. So I went a bit "whirly" there for awhile. He's handled that gracefully so far... and in the process returned a bit of my self to me, again. Something that's been missing for years now.
The universe is being good to me right now, but it also requires I "take care of business" and not just spend my days totally googly-eyed and ungrounded. I have a lot of things on that list ya know. And now, even Hol is writing lists for me to start crossing things off... since I've been distracted. Today she finds out if we have 8 months or 7 months to get her house built... and accomplish the big things on that list. So I MIGHT get scarce around here just due to being busy. But I have a feeling I'll still have time for some updates and there is gonna be a lot more emotional processing to talk out.
Well.
New grandbaby not coming anymore. Hol miscarried this morning.
I know; sadness.... but she's doing OK under the circumstances and Steve has been protective and doting on her. He's promised to bring her a surprise today. I might be sadder than she is - FOR her.
Stop Struggling, is precisely the right mantra right now. For me.
I have spent most of my life since the Twiggy days, being over-responsible, over-compensating, with a chip on my shoulder about proving that I was indeed better than "good enough"... in an attempt to be worthy of love. Yeah, that worked out well. Some took advantage of me and I resented it; other times I threw myself away in desperation. Until some switch would flip in my head and I'd pull up the big girl pants and pull on the boots and walk away without looking back.
Clearly, that habit pattern bumps up against Buck's competency and effectiveness at taking care of himself. He is very independent and good at it. It's not a struggle for him; that's who he is. That old need to be needed thing again; riding to the rescue. Sigh..... it's totally not necessary here. It's also awkward and gets in my way. Now that I've gotten the worst of the Mikey crap out of my spaces... it's time to also clean the cobwebs and old patterns out of my head and reactions and tendencies.
So, stop struggling also refers to being able to accept that all is well; I am safe; I'm not going to get lost in this relationship or bulldozed... and I don't have to work so damn hard to be "worthy". I really can trust him; he's wise, experienced, and he cares - a LOT. There is an open door to the opportunity to fully step into "me" sans roles and expectations and STILL be accepted and appreciated. And this is outside my comfort zone of always having to do everything in a relationship. Brand new experience for me. Unfamiliar and awkward. But it sure feels pretty nice when I stop analyzing it with my super-fine microscope. Like getting home, after being away for a long time.
Today I'm going to put on a new dress and go to town; pick up my new glasses... run a couple more leisurely errands and get back this afternoon in time to put in a few more hours on the work shirt I'm making him. It's going to be too big; already know that - he's lost a lot of weight through the surgeries.
Whew. Busy times. But stuff is getting DONE!
Yes, Buck is putting a good deal of thought into this - and has been for some time, as is now apparent to me. He's been burned in bad relationships in the past though I haven't heard details of those stories. And so, he sat out the dance for a good long time too. What he finds valuable, as do I, is just the daily routine WITH a compatible person. So we've been building that - discovering what works best for us as times to really talk with each other; how much space we both need - and how much together time, too. Distance actually helps in this, I think.
The one thing that's tough for me, is reining myself in about taking care of him as he struggles with the health issues. For one thing, NOT BEING THERE, means I have to rely on his take about whether he's feeling poorly... and my imagination can spark anxiety and tension and worse. And I can't do a blessed thing when I can't lay hands on him, or feed him, advocate for him or massage his shoulders and get him to relax those muscles. That's a tad un-nerving for the Mama Tiger who doesn't want to feel helpless. So she paces a lot. What does Mama Tiger do with that pacing energy? Do you go back to old practices, and use what you learned?
But what I CAN do, which he is indirectly asking for; hoping for... is just my listening and understanding and being there; caring. How can you switch that up, and have that BE enough for you too? And that seems very important to him. And he needs my patience - which I still underestimate a lot. It never fails, either that when we actually talk via phone... that I can hear how he's feeling and we laugh about things and are getting to be best friends. He's my sounding board a lot, when Hol & I butt heads over boundaries and misperceptions and general crankiness with each other. He's already aware of boundaries there and dealing with them comfortably. That sounds so comfortable, Amber.
It's a good reality-based antidote to all my nutzo magical, romantic fantasies; grounding. We seem to be the right combination to do that for each other. So... 10 more months... and lots more learning about each other till then. Unless the Navy seriously thinks they can call him back to active duty with the health issues at 65. Yeah...
He had an evaluation for that last week. It's only possible because when he was injured (mid 90s), some typical snafu in his paperwork prevented them from completing his discharge from service. Then it would be another 3 years before he'd be free to make his own plans and decisions. That almost induced another Mama Tiger episode complete with panic attack... LOL. Almost. Can you remember what that felt like, inside, and how you managed it? I'm curious what your process is, if you're noticing it.
Can you imagine being tantalized by the possibilities of a warm, close, loving relationship after pretty much not even bothering to think it was going to happen... and then imagining waiting 4 years to pursue it? ME? I can imagine it, and I'm glad you're with someone you've known and trusted for years. I think that takes the other fears off the table of being taken, abused, abandoned, and fooled out of the equation, which is BIG, IME.
It's just time, and you're perfectly capable of overcoming that, if you put your mind to it, IMO. Nothing is set in stone, and there can be travel, back and forth, yes?
::NOD::.
Mind. Blown. But it could possibly (tho I think highly unlikely) be reality.
Seems as though I've been making a total muddle, trying to talk about things lately. I'm not getting my point (and what point would that be A?) across clearly. Time to let things settle some more until I know what I'm trying to say, I guess.
I did talk to Buck; and all is well there. Somehow he can understand my muddle and restate it back to me simpler and clearly getting my meaning. The anxiety over all that whole question thing and why I felt I needed to know... this all seems like a holdover from my past experience but I can't pinpoint what it was exactly. All I know is having the conversation - sans specifics - completely relaxed me around the topic and so I'm moving on, feeling better about my understanding of boundaries and what I can and can't ask.
Right you are, Tupp.
He is very used to managing everything on his own after 17 years. And I'm used to managing everything for everyone else. LOL. That's MY problem to deal with... LOL. I don't have to chase him around making sure of anything.
Talk about putting a rapid halt to my "needing to be needed" reflex. :choke: Ego is gonna have to eat that one, for sure. And let it go. I keep telling myself it's good for me. Like broccoli and salads.
And realize what I've wanted all along, is for someone to come along and actually WANT to take care of me, sometimes, too. Like I could stop him......... LOL!!!
I keep thinking about your reciprocal relationship thread title, in light of all I'm learning about Buck. What I'm observing with Holly and Steve (she shares some of my same characteristics whether she'll admit it or not; we do discuss it). I have to confess I've spent a LOT of time on detours never even getting to that state of give & take. My good friends are few; my sorta good friends - who do make an effort when I let them (it's not their fault) - is a bigger group. I wouldn't say we're "intimate" but we're close enough we do understand each other pretty well. We do check in with each other. And then there's Buck; sorta in a class all by himself.
It's like he anticipates me realizing what I need and is right there; right then; when I realize it. I'm not used to anyone being that intuitive OR that ready to give, being there for me. All he needs from me, is to be able to take care of myself while he does other things he has to; wants to do. And not disappear on him. That's a tougher assignment some days than it sounds like; I still find my Self to be high maintenance for me.
throughout, I've had this super-clear sense that I'm "safe"; I actually feel that comfortable security for a change
Thanks friends. I think you just pulled me back from the ledge of making an error I've made more than once. It's likely attributable to my ability to connect and see the possibilities, very quickly.
"narration"
"Keep your head where your feet are."
And yeah, the project mgmt mindset runs with all that raw material, feeding it into creativity that begins weaving the story... trolling for the emotional energy to "make it so". That almost always inevitably runs into reality at some point, which is obviously DIFFERENT because it wasn't something I created in my over-active mind. And yeah - at that point, sometimes resentments begin to form.
Even Tupps' image of the discussion of differentials got through my foggy cloud. Like a strong beam of sunlight.
I needed that dose of "wake up" ladies. Thanks.
All is still well with Buck and I don't see any major pitfalls in the next 10 months that will come up as dealbreakers. If I can keep this tendency to write the script tamped down. He's pretty good at setting me straight and pulling me out of the clouds too. Maintaining his own boundaries and even looking out for mine when I get carried away.
Breathing... regrouping... centering.
Thanks Light; it was kinda necessary for me to have that a-ha moment, realizing what I was expecting, to be able to notice it wasn't happening. Then I could really expand into the space around me created by the noted absence of the "usual". How's that space feeling about now, Amber?
Right now, I'm kinda having a hard time actually believing it's for real and not a temporary "everyone's on their best behavior" kind of thing. Guess that's the skeptic in me. But I'm also not adjusting my sensory lens to focus on watching for that. I wonder how that shift will show up for you. I think your brain can make that jump in a second when it's ready.
TOO BUSY. The financial tasks necessary to meet the terms of my new trust arrangement and on-going corporate "housekeeping" for the business has been center-stage this week. It sounded so simple - but the current existential arrangement around here (not having a functional office just yet) and the typical bureaucracy & tech hangups made it seem like pulling teeth. So sorry about that. This too shall pass.
Yesterday, as we were taking off on a supply gathering run, Hol got a call saying one of her close friends, who happens to be her production crew's leader, died during surgery to remove lung cancer tumors. Bill's been here for the last couple of Hol's birthday parties. The last time, I got to talk to him a lot and get to know him some. Very much liked him. So, whatever 16-ton evil buzzard was sitting on her head from last weekend's events moved on and made space for dealing with this too. Bill's girl friend is also one of Hol's close friends and her mom died of cancer 8 years ago. So Hol is offering support without intruding on friends' space. I imagine once arrangements are made, she and I will travel for services. I'm sure you and Hol will be a huge support.
And of COURSE this would hit on the 4 yr anniversary of Mike's diagnosis and also, to the month, of marking 20 years together. I figured there would be echos. You loved Mike very much, and he was a huge part of your life. Things come off in layers, so ya..... echoes. There always are. Buck and I can talk about it, of course. It's one of the ways he was there for me THEN, and hoping I'd notice - and of course, his life experience is such that he's pretty comfortable with mortality and talking about death. But he's starting to talk about his own more. Maybe he needs to get that out, up front, so you know what you're getting into.... before you jump? Not that he knows what's coming, or could know. Have you ever felt like you just need to cover all the bad things, about yourself, so you don't feel you've duped someone or tricked them? I think we all feel that way at times. I'm guessing he'll get it off his chest, you'll reassure him, and it will pass. One thing's clear, he needs to talk about it.
He wants to teach me to dive. Like scuba diving. (Lighter, I might need info in the future on renting your cabin and how to get there.) I went into my spiel about how I don't go IN water that I can't see the bottom of, am claustrophobic, and exhibited all the classic "I've never wanted or intended to do anything so silly" fears and refusal to participate, I think he almost found it cute. Insists he'll teach me and can be taught, despite my fear. We will see. I'll go hang-gliding before going underwater. There's no clearer water than in the Bahamas.
More Hol: she seems to wallow in feeling abandoned and friendless and needing that social interaction/validation when Steve is away working for any length of time. Mom doesn't meet the criteria and besides we spend a lot of time together already and appreciate regular breaks. Lots of over magnification and exaggeration/expectations from friends/relationships she has felt for a long time. I'm thinking the co-dependence topic might be something she should explore. I'm wondering about different approaches to it - because she takes in information extremely quickly as long as it's highly rational, logical and doesn't spend a lot of time in the uniquely personal emotional space. She can apply one to the other easily and doesn't want some imposed "template" with all it's shoulds, etc. My oldest dd learned through relationship with good Ts. Maybe a good T could help Hol learn, and process through the lessons she needs more quickly?
Might take a look-see around the book world since winter is coming... and there will be lots of time for that kind of activity. There's plenty of codependence videos on Youtube, with all sorts of views, to supplement books.
Maybe a good T could help Hol learn, and process through the lessons she needs more quickly?
Thanks Lighter. Maybe I'll read that this winter; as the farm schedule goes into high gear for work around here - getting ready for winter.
Tomorrow the wizards of HVAC are installing a new condenser in my a/c - so I'll have cold air again to counter the rediculous heat we're still having. Contractor breaks ground on the Holly Hut (General Mayhem's HQ) and I for one, will be celebrating. I'm picking up the House Guest this evening, so he can earn a few more bucks helping knock some of the chores off the list faster. (There's a LOT of extra stuff going on this year.) Almost all the posts are set for the fence around the pond field; another good days' work and they can start stretching wire and set the gates. When that trailer moves, I can finish the drainage around the barn. (Bobcat's kinda blocked in for work there; but I could finish the refinements I'm making to the driveway.
Hol and I are building some steps from the parking area to the front yard, kitchen beds, etc. It's pretty steep there and even the dogs are kinda tentative about using that path. It's tricky for me when it's wet/snowy. We've done this work before together; she had a good design suggestion; I've had a chance to get eyes on it up close & personal (not just imaginary on paper crap) so I think we're good to go. I wanted steps, out front, and was reminded by my brother that steps are limiting. You can't roll a cart easily down steps. A wide, graded path can be appreciated when you have a heavy wheelbarrow full of whatever to get from point A to point B. She and Matthew MIGHT start clearing off the back deck - she wants to build a walking path up that cliff to the hut site - it'll be a more direct, shorter way to go back & forth. I want the fire break that close to the house, and she wants the shorter distance. Then there's the garden tilling for next year and cleaning up kitchen beds and putting them to sleep for next year. Whew... lots going on, Amber: )
We NEED rain desperately. Last year, it never stopped. Fire is becoming a worry. We had a lot of threatened rain, then it came down yesterday... finally. I hope it's heading to your neck of the woods soon.
And if Buck can sort out his med appts, I'm sneaking away for a few days at the beach with him. Just us. SOON. That will do you both a world of good. ::nodding::.
And I think the Hol situation is sorting itself out. She reported a useful dream, to that effect. And we have been able to find ways to talk about difficult subjects in more productive ways. I don't think a person can simply "decide" - I'm over this now - like she believes. If that were true, I wouldn't have had my revisit of Mike grief - 4 years later, on our anniversary. What she lived with, for 10 years in the last relationship is what she's working on changing for herself. It's dysfunctional to change roles and do what she suffered with to me. But if I realize that's what's going on and control my own reactions to it... she will also eventually realize what she's doing. She's real smart that way. But she is working INTENSELY at a lot of levels on it. Her whole life disintegrated and changed in the last year. That's a lot to process. I think we keep the focus on us, as parents, when we react to our children. If we can remain detached, and ask ourselves... IS what I'm about to say necessary? Will it get me more of what I want? We give ourselves time to make better choices, and respond instead of react. Being right is highly overrated, IME, and no one appreciates it anyway.
Lighter
I think the obsession with micro-analyzing every one of my words or actions that she has is basically to do with the fact that she expects a much higher level of interaction on a personal basis, than I want or need. Engagement, intellectually and emotional support at the same time. This kind of thing drives me crazy. It's like constantly picking at me, when all I want to - need to - do, is veg out and let the crazy settle... so I can have calm again. There is only one space that I can have that, in the house.
LOL... yeah, I'm not the one insisting I'm right Lighter. Just trying to make sure I don't respond with doubting myself, lashing out in defense, or seeking revenge. I guess you'd ask yourself if what you have to say... or how you say it... be it defensive, lashing out, seeking revenge... whatever it is that's going on between you and dd right now.... you'd ask if it's necessary, and if it gets you more of what you want. It doesn't matter what your situation is, IME. You're just changing your reactions, and choosing responses, bc you want something different between you.
I think the obsession with micro-analyzing every one of my words or actions that she has is basically to do with the fact that she expects a much higher level of interaction on a personal basis, than I want or need. Engagement, intellectually and emotional support at the same time. This kind of thing drives me crazy. It's like constantly picking at me, when all I want to - need to - do, is veg out and let the crazy settle... so I can have calm again. There is only one space that I can have that, in the house. That sounds like an ongoing strain, Amber. I hope it gets better soon.
So yesterday was ground breaking on the Hut. Fence guy is hard at it, too. We celebrated; had a good time. But champagne for lunch was brutal. However, I let her call the shots on that and just went to bed very EARLY. Contractor was back bright & early this morning; but that was after I drove Matthew - part time help around here - back to town in rush hour. He's the former House Guest and is just the right energy for Hol to cathart (new verb I just made up) all the stuff in her head that she continues ruminating on; polishing turds... instead of being focused in the now. NOW, none of those old things matter; the how/why has limited instructional value to learn from; and the lingering emotional damage is more quickly healed with care & nurturing than it is, rehashing and reliving all the agony repeatedly. When Hol's brain is ready to finish the things she keeps talking about, she'll find a way to do that work. I really like tapping.
She'll figure it out eventually. In the meantime, we don't have to be in the very same space doing the same thing ALL the time. When Mike did that, it made me crazy too. I really need my space right now. More so, because of Buck. I'm not able to put as much into that relationship - when my "quota" (capacity) for relationship stuff is already overflowing with Hol's stuff. And her constant diagramming of emotions - which are (IMO) way too mutable and slippery for that kind of "knowing".
I wonder how much of the need for space and peace is connected to introversion... getting energized from within one's own head, rather than from other people. How much is connected to being drained by people who verbally process the things needing attention, as a matter of habit. I'm comfortable listening to people talk about their struggles, and I enjoy those conversations. What I don't enjoy is listening to people talk about their problems with no interest in discussing solutions, or attempting to find solutions. People who are stuck ruminating, and comortable there, are people I can't be around comfortably. Lighter
Which of course is getting stored in my space, along with the new "vintage" sofa she bought.
If she isn't [kept] totally mentally occupied and physically tired...Who's doing the keeping? Is Steve giving her instructions all day? Are you?
a serious amount of past life/habits/routines were intentionally set asideCan you generally characterize what those were, or what they were about?
a path of adventure that might take me away from homeCan you generally characterize what that adventure might be?
Haven't heard yet Tupp; on the official discharge. It's the gov't - and worse, military - so things move super-slow.
On top of the antibiotic needs, he's allergic to the specific one (which is probably the #2 choice for dealing with this infection, since he's highly allergic to #1)... so now he's taking benedryl, too. LOL. At least it's making him sleepy! He sleeps less than anyone I've known; and Mike would normally get by on 4 hrs a night.
I did suggest we might be able to figure out how to get him here for a long T'giving weekend. He's thinking on it. Still not confident enough about his medical situation yet to jump at the invitation and take a risk.
He is in amazingly good spirits, considering how he's being treated by these institutions. Yes, he has moments of being a total grumposaurus, but it's always just venting... and I don't see him taking his frustration out on anyone else. (One watches for things like that depending on what you grew up around.) More often, he finds ways to cheer himself up or distract himself - but he doesn't handle boredom well. When he's feeling well enough, he can handle it himself - it's when he physically can't get up & do, that he needs some engagement & entertainment.
Hol & Steve are expected back to the farm today - sometime. I am OK with it, but really really really enjoyed this "time off" from living with other people and their activity, needs/wants, etc. Also feeling a bit of the "company's coming" anticipation... even though they live here. LOL. I really sank right into my own "doing/being" these past few days... and am finally feeling rested again. I guess that means I should work harder on taking care of myself when they're around... consider that a boundary of sorts. Not the the solid-steel, never changes kind of boundary... but one that becomes the routine, for my own good - which can be dropped on occasion. For fun reasons, or need, in some actual REAL crisis situations. (Which are fewer than I think I perceive, many times.)
Thinking.
One idea I've had is to make a list of those hieroglyphic neural "reflexes" (the ones I know about that still recur). Even tho I've already accepted that they are a part of "me"... and I'm still working on countering them with intentional thought, feeling & actions... I think I need it in B&W to engrave it on my awareness that like it or not, I'm going to emotionally respond a certain way out of long habit. To greater/lesser degrees. Not just expect myself to automatically catch those before I act on them.
That makes perfect sense to me, Amber. On the other hand....
"What we resist, persists" is what comes to mind immediately after making perfect sense.
I could never journal enough, plan enough, identify something enough and certainly could never think my way clear of something, except when I thought through my people-pleasing reactions when in the yard with my elderly neighbor. It had good effect, and I was calm, relaxed, and not worried about people pleasing, or not people pleasing... just living in the moment. Enjoying the duty, and joy of tending our yards. Together. That's new for me. And it came from setting intentions, and letting go.
This is new for me, so I'm not sure about my ability to reproduce it. I know it can be done. I know I'm capable, and you're capable, and we're all capable.
That I've had to hear different information different ways, over and over, and in certain order..... to get me to this place makes me question, and dount.
It's my own struggles with strength, and experiencing them as outside myself, likely. I should feel it's within my control, as you do, Amber.
I honestly believe it is, and I'm sure it's within your ability, Amber.
Other idea that I acted on, was asking directly about the structure & form of what he's seeing; envisioning what our relationship agreement will be when he's here. Once again, he's proved to be very simply direct without "decreeing" this is the only way things can be. (This is helpful to me.) He calls it an "open ended tour" (yeah, military reference)... which is essentially my "no strings attached" description. Living together; business/legal stuff completely separate; and he gave me full control of ending it for any reason whatsoever. Along with a list of reasons why I might want to do that. He must have a pretty good T for him to be able to acknowledge all that openly, without any qualms. Or maybe he has his own fears of disappointing you? He's human, Amber... like the rest of us.
All mostly PTSD type things. Stuff I'm more than passing familiar with given what I've been through; what we've all shared together over the past decade. Then, there's Hol - and the joint work we've been doing on related things. The work we've tried to do with former house guest, Matthew - and understanding what we are capable of doing and where our limits & boundaries are - and which work is HIS to do. (So Hol doesn't try to do too much.)
Front & present in my mind about Buck, is the cliche that some kinds of people will tell you who they are up front. And that one should always believe them; not expect anything to change - or be changeable due to your miraculous "powers" of soothing the savage beast. I know full well what he was trained to do; I know what his flashbacks are - what happened; and I know how he was trained to not feel anything about stuff like that. I know his instincts of protecting; protectiveness are right beneath the surface. And he is gentle and kind and sensitive to others' feelings and needs. So he doesn't fit the cookie-cutter Rambo stereotype. He knows full well what boundaries are and reciprocity and trust... due to the many years of T. I am very comfortable with his level of self-control and judgment and decisionmaking. And I've been around other former soldiers too, obviously less intimately, and one can readily perceive that side of them that's been trained to be dangerous even when you don't know they're former military - and no, they haven't given me cause for concern.
And then, there's my laundry list of instinctive reactions based on the past. And I *think* this is where my anxiety is centered. I think the situation is requiring a new level of trust in and from myself -- ABOUT myself. And a new level of being comfortable IN myself. Because there are no "red flags" with Buck. Even when I'm in analytical scrutiny of micro-details. And I'm not fearful OF HIM at all; on the contrary - I feel much safer WITH him, and even in the digital realm... because we can communicate so openly & intimately and navigate the occasional misunderstanding easily.
I have heard that I'm a "difficult woman" for years, in various relationships. And the more confident I got in myself the more Mike withdrew from me. There is the odd coincidence, that my rape assailant was active military. Which shouldn't be a thing all these years later; but ya know... trauma reactions aren't rational.
But there is still a lot of reality of experience missing. Nothing is ever idyllic or perfect; what is my "mom lesson" to Hol? There are no perfect men. And I rather expect we wouldn't be attracted to one, if there were. I'm sorry, Amber. I was surprised when Buck showed up at the Farm, and stole your heart, or so it seemed. Sort of... out of the blue... a surprise from where I stood. Have you and Buck seen each other, face to face, more than that one visit? I'm not judging. Just trying to understand, and I'm all for imperfection and dialing realistic expectations.... for other humans, but I never expected enough, Amber. I never asked for what was fair, or right, or what was mine to have, and hold. I was independent, and not at all bothered by jealousy or insecurities.... that's what I told myself, anyway. I think that part was truth, actually. But there was something else, and maybe you're thinking of that thing, or maybe not. I can't be sure, so I ask.
What is it, really, that you're trying to tease out of these thoughts?
Quite possibly, I'm just not busy enough and have too much time to overthink things right now. Honestly? That's what the cheating, lying, skunk men in my life said to me when I questioned them on simple things anyone would have questioned. And I should relax and enjoy myself more than I'm letting myself at the moment. I think breathing, and relaxing into the present will help you find clarity, Amber. Being curious, and nonjudmental about what comes up, and noticing it all.... will show you what you need to see, IME. Lighter
Woodland camo and lots & lots of pockets, Lighter. 1/4 zip, pullover style, with a hood and big pouch pocket. OK, I think I'm stuck with a picture of a smock in my head... from the salon.... or K art class. Smock as in with sleeves, or poncho style? Maybe a vest is more correct? Later versions were full zip jackets (more vietnam era than WWII). Closest thing I could find was a Green Pepper anorak pattern... and I was able to find an original full zip version at a surplus outlet, along with about 5 yds of woodland camo, in cotton. Found buttons from York Constabulary... that will work, in place of velcro. Soldiers hate velcro coz it's noisy. It sounds like B is going to be the very happy recipient of a very special..... jacket, errrr.. pullover... thing; )
Oy. I've been more than half under the weather, but I did get started on it yesterday. And the instructions start with the most tedious, difficult and fussy sewing. It's far from perfect, but it's done now. Serviceable and able to withstand big clumsy fingers... LOL. You should see the zipper. I dare him to find a way to break it. Nice.
There have been a couple interesting things said to me in the past week, that I'm pondering. He definitely means them at face value; it's not that. I'm looking at me - and habits/patterns of relationship. One thing he said, was that I don't have to prove myself to him, or impress him. The latest one, was a direct command to quit saying I'm sorry about not knowing things, I've never needed to know before. IME, that's the kind of "feeling' that leaves you happy to have live whatever days you have left. To be so incredibly loved and accepted at a cellular level. It's marvelous. Soak it up. Bathe in it's glow, Amber. I'm so happy to read this! : ) LOL... at the same time, he's apologizing for venting about his problems to me... and making sure I understand he's not frustrated or angry with me. I've had to reassure him I understand the difference. I don't understand what his frustration and anger look and feel like... sound like to you, but I certainly understand it.
So, anyway... I'm feeling that I'm being invited to just "be" "me"... sans the usual window dressing, or do-si-do that couples do. And that THIS is the "me" he wants to be with. It feels authentic too; because it never wavers or expects something different. This is kinda eradicating the very last hold of the "not good enough" habits out of my reflexes. The level of openness & honesty of communication is new too. He's not afraid to be vulnerable or scared or otherwise not the big tough protective (but not possessive) guy - he's that most of the time anyway - without losing sight of the reason & meaning for the purpose of it, so it's time, place & context focused. Which is something I've not ever had in a relationship before. That's an adjustment to my "reality" that is a big shift. Yes, I'm watching out for depending on that too. Don't question it now, Amber. If it's ever time to question, or doubt, or wonder if you have things right, you'll know.
He's promised we'll get together soon. Medical stuff is still giving him fits though. And something really needs to happen soon. Despite what he lives with - he insisted I take care of myself with whatever this bug is that I'm fighting off around here. So there is very clearly a two-way street here. I'm trying not to be anxious about that... scared... waiting for the Cinderella moment to turn back into pumpkins and rats. And I absolutely miss him. The feeling is mutual given how much we've blown up each other's phones. LOL. When does he think you'll be able to see each other?
There is so clearly a huge (multi-level) letting go going on. And an unusual delight in all the new that's happening, that I'm noticing. I am less worried about repeating the Mike loss these days; but I haven't forgotten that it's a possibility. There's no joy without loss, Amber. It's magic to find someone special. Focus on the magic.
Hol's friend John is here and it looks like he's settling in for a month right now to support her. He's helpful to me here, and he has free run of my studio space - so it's working out well. Hol's court date is in a couple weeks, for the DUI. And things have been kinda weird with her and Steve - just natural stuff; but John agrees that there is a lot of Hol taking care of Steve and not much vice versa going on.Maybe Hol could add a book on codependence to her list of books to read while pregnant? (No, I don't think John has designs on her; but they are as close as friends can be. Have been since high school.)I'm glad Joyn's supportive of her. And now, Hol's pregnant again. And scared to death about miscarrying again - especially if she has to go jail. I kinda need that whole circus of flying monkeys to move out into HER house. I'm doing my best to keep it at arms length; but sometimes she just needs her mommy right now even when I don't have any answers or solutions... I can still hold her when she cries. I'm sorry Hol is suffering. I'm sure it helps to be held, and know you'll always be there for her. Maybe helping her figure out ways she can be proactive, and improve her situation, should she have to spend some time in jail? It would help busy my monkey mind, for sure.
What prenatal vitamins are available at the jail? She might want to take them, and see if they make her sick. ONE vitamin made me so sick, and I forgot and took it with the second pregnancy too. BLECK. Just so miserable.
Maybe she can get her OBGYN on board with a specific prescribed prenatal vitamin she can have sent in?
Also,Hol should see her dentist and get everything taken care of before her court date. Sometimes it takes months to get an appointment, and putting herself on the waitlist might be necessary, so she should start now, particularly if this isn't her first DUI, her alcohol level was .15% or higher, and you're in Virginia, which has a maximum of 2 days to 12 months, as you likely know already. West Virginia seems to have a 6 month maximum.
Dental problems cause all kinds of health issues and what a misery to deal with that in jail. It seems the dentists pull teeth and call it "treatment." The toothbrushes have a 2 inch handle, and there's no toothpaste generally, or floss. I think I'd put DENTIST at the top of my list, along with purchasing interesting books ahead.... books on positive child discipline, everything about being pregnant, Tai Chi, breathing and meditation practices... even if she's not open to those things now, she might find herself in need. Lord, what if she needs a filling, and can't get in to deal with it before jail time begins? Two weeks means she needs to get on this now, IMO.
If Hol needs a doctor to prescribe special dietary options, likely fresh oranges if that, she can think that through with her OBGYN now. See what hoops she has to jump through to procure that privilege. Orange peels have antibacterial properties, she can create sacred space using them for cleaning... make nice tea, and it would remind her of home, bc there's precious little in jail that will be of comfort to her.
That baby will feel everything she's feeling, so how can Hol move herself into feeling empowered, supported, and as healthy as she can possibly manage in jail, worst case scenario? That would help me feel less at the mercy of.... to think everything through, and do what I could to improve my situation.
Maybe learning whatever Tai Chi she can in two weeks would be helpful? Maybe she already practices. I hope they're already in her toolbox.
She is managing OK with her fears about the pregnancy; she REALLY wants to have a child. But she's definitely not as giddy excited as she was the first time. That's understandable. Just being pregnant, alone, can be stressful.
Second floor walls of the hut will get poured next Wed. There have been some adjustments because of how much glass there will be in the west wall. Roof trusses are ordered; windows & doors won't arrive till after the 1st of the year. Those are huge windows & sliding doors. That sounds like it'll help keep Hol busy. Lots to plan, and implement. Is she thinking about a nursery yet? Does she like her OBGYN? Has she found one she likes?
Sorry if I ramped up your anxiety, but I had my teeth cleaned yesterday. I have two failing fillings they wanted to schedule appointments for in January! I can feela little pain on the left side, so waiting over a month was not acceptable. I hope Hol saw the dentist very recently, and this isn't a problem for her... whew, wouldn't that be nice.
Lighter