I blew up

[EC]

Well not literally, I am still here.

Nonetheless, I had a strange experience yesterday, one that I have had before. I guess I am looking for some insight. I ran into Nfather sitting with some of his friends. They were discussing an issue related to a community group that we both belong. A little background may be helpful. My father did a great deal for this community throughout his life. He always talked about how it was for the children and how he would be proud when the next generation took over. The next generation has taken over and three of my friends are on the board of directors.

There is a brewing issue at this point in time which has been ongoing for about a year. It involves where a new ceter will be built. There is a location my father had chosen years ago and bought the land. But it is too expensive to build there. The new board has purchased a new building and decided to renovate there.

Anyways, my father 6 months ago had a blow out with one of my friends and emberrased me. I was not present but after my mother told me what happened I let him have. In the end I told him he should be ashamed for his behavior. It was quite the sreaming match and I felt non the better for the interaction. But I felt so hurt because no matter what the issue he could have at least respected my friendship with this person. That is what really drove me crazy. Absolutely no respect.

Then yesterday, again along the lines of the same issue they were arguing the pros and cons of the issue. Irrespective of the fact that I could cut holes in his arguments easily I did not push his buttons. But then he started to demean another one of my friends who is on the board. That was when I lost it again. Needless to say it was not a pleasant experience.

This has happened continually with my friends and he has emberrassed me many times. At least my friends never mention anything and I think they are wonderful for that. I would seriously question what their father's problems were if the shoes were reversed.

Anyways, I guess I do know the answer to my question but would like some further insight. It is just that at the very least you would expect a father to respect his son's friendships. But that is something TOO difficult for these warped individuals. Have a good day all,

EC

[bunny]

I wonder how many blow-ups it will take before your father thinks twice before he says stupid things. Or does he relish the blow-ups?

Of course he doesn't respect your friendships. And finally you're blowing up at him. He may enjoy having pushed your buttons, though. That's why I'm inquiring about that.

bunny

[Anonymous]

From EC:

But then he started to demean another one of my friends who is on the board. That was when I lost it again.  This has happened continually with my friends and he has emberrassed me many times.

From Bunny:

And finally you're blowing up at him. He may enjoy having pushed your buttons

Definitely. EC-- even if it will be hard, try to make it so the situation is not set up to "feed" him by your exploding. I don't think you can stop his awful behavior but you can change your reaction to it when you are around him, so that he doesn't get a "fix" from it and get motivated to do it even more.

You don't even have to bring it up with him, and you can deal with your friends about your dad, separately if necessary.  

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Please help me understand this better. Why are you embarrassed when he argues with your friends? Does he talk about you, undermine you – to them? If not, maybe your friends can argue for themselves without you getting involved…on the other hand, if someone is demeaning a friend, it’s easy to jump to their defence, but instead, maybe you could just walk away so that you don’t listen to him. Refuse to get emotional about it. You don’t have to protect your friends by arguing with your father.

[bludie]

It seems that Ns feed on drama, so the less you can get sucked in, EC, the better. Easier said than done but I like to think of an N as an emotional child. Even though their manipulative and cunning exteriors lead me to believe I am dealing with an adult, I really am not.