Hi EC,
Thx for letting me know about the books you have read... I read books not only about N b/c I wanted to have a bigger picture about psychic disorders/behaviors. Here is how I proceeded:
-First, like you did, I read a few books about Narcissism and N parents:
I have read two of these books: Toxic Parents (which I found excellent, though it did not convince me about the state of my parents), and Why is it Always About You, which did not teach me much, I was a bit disappointed by it. The other book about Nparents’ impact on their children I read is : Trapped in the Mirror, which I found by far the very best book about the subject. I had also started (before) learning about N by reading stuff on Sam Vaknin web site, which I found a good source too.
-Then I read books about abuse, to get a broader perspective :
1. The Verbally Abusive Relationship: How to Recognize it and How to Respond
2. The Secret of Overcoming Verbal Abuse: Getting Off the Emotional Roller Coaster
3. In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing With Manipulative People
4. Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand and Deal with People Who Try to Control You
Basically they define very precisely what is abuse (emotional and verbal abuse, v. Physical abuse), and they give very good tips about how to handle abusive situations/behaviors.
N°1 is a classic, that spells exatly what is abuse. N°2 is maybe the best to handle difficult abusive situations, it is written by A.Ellis, one of the Behavioral Psychology approach. N°3 is very good to detect “covert” abuse (v. overt abuse, which is easier to detect). N°4 is by the same author as N°1, and is also pretty good.
These books teach you how to respond adequaletely to abusive situations. They helped me alot, b/c once I knew how to detect these abusive behaviors and how to respond to them, I had less fear, therefore less anger b/c I knew I could respond and not only react. Now I even happen to laugh inside (sometimes!!) when I notice these behaviors.
-Then to strengthen my “defense strategies” I bought a few books about boundaries. They were also very helpful b/c I felt reassured about my individuality, and not only in a confrontational context. I bought two books by the same author : Boundaries Where You End and I Begin, and Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Healthy Boundaries Every Day. I foound the first one a bit disappointing but the second was pretty helpful.
-Then I bought books about three other personality disorders: BPD (often related to NPD), and passive-aggressivity, and codependence (which is what those living close to N may suffer from)
1.Women Who Love Too Much ;
2. Stop Walking on Eggshells.
3. Living with the passive-aggressive man
4. Codependent no more
I found N°1 excellent (mostly about P/A, codependents, a little bit about N), not only did it explain my past relationships, but it also helped me understand the dynamics of my parents as a couple. N°3 is also pretty good. I found N°2 very disappointing. N°4 is a classic and is really good too.
-Finally, as to “feel better” after after having all these books, I focused on developping a more healthy self, through the books :
1. Ending the Struggle Against Yourself
2. When Misery Is Company: Ending Self-Sabotage and Misery Addiction
I found both of them really good to help me regain a whole/more integrated/more genuine self. Very soothing after the “roller-coaster” I had experienced through the reading of other books.
I had also bought a few other books about ending being a victim which were not helpful to me, I would focus on my pain, and get either more depressed or more angry, w/o any “solution” in sight... One exception: Stalking the soul. But I would not recommend it for a beginning.
You may keep in mind that some of these books may have a real deep impact on your psyche (therfore be careful
about what to read and when to read it). This is why I read them in the order I wrote the list: start with the “tough” ones and end with the soothing ones...
These basic things I happened not to “naturally” learn years ago, I could discover them through books... (even though I am aware that book learning will never replace life learning). It works for some people, it does not for others.
For my part, these books helped me understand. And not get stuck in fear/anger projections... It may be difficult at the beginning to really distinguish b/w setting healthy boundaries towards N (assertiveness) and (un?)controlled anger (aggressivity). But (again) I think it is a matter of time...
and understanding boundaries (one's and others').
PS I was wondering, did you think about seeing a therapist (if I may ask again) or maybe that is too early?
Take care,
-RL
