survival

[les]

I was watching a nature show the other day - about different strategies animals use to survive.  I thought how familiar the strategy of freezing and trying to look just like your surroundings was. (ok, can't spell camoflauge) That's it -freeze, then hope to sneak by undetected. Oddly enough a few times people have said that I am like a deer. And I think the military has developed a special cloaking suit that is made entirely of reflective material, maybe even mirrors!  

Soooo I think this frightened deer is uncloaking. I am taking risks. Speaking up. Bold at work today. Yikes! I think as we get stronger we start to throw off the camoflauge? New, exciting, scary and really tough sometimes.  What animal do you feel like? Are you morphing...a little?  
 
Les

[BlueTopaz]

Hi Les,

Good analogy with the animal kingdom   I think for many years I was like that type of lizard that could camouflage its color to fit into any background presented, & hide.

Oddly, voicelessness and invisibility being an extremely painful issue for me out of childhood on the one hand, it seemed where I felt most comfortable and safe on the other, for many years.

I have morphed somewhat, but surely also need to work at continuing on with it...    

I don't know what animal I would consider myself now, but I will watch for one I can relate to the next time I watch a nature show hehe...  I like them and watch fairly regularly...  

Congrats on beginning to uncloak and step more into your strength...

BT

[Anonymous]

I was a kitten, I am now a mountain lion.

I was a puppy, I am now a wolf.

I was once in hiding, I am now on the prowl...

[Singer]

Hi Les,

Good for you, speaking up at work. Always knocked me out how easy and natural that seemed for some people. But maybe it's good to have to learn how to do it. That way it's yours and not a given.

Anyway, I think I was a possum. We used to get them occasionally in the back yard of where I raised my girls. The dog would bark and go after them and they'd just freeze on the top of the fence. Out of reach but unable to move, petrified. Now I feel more like a ferret, as in trying to ferret out the truth. Not an attractive animal, but attractiveness was the NM's territory so I don't go there  

Singer

[phoenix]

I think I am that strange enigmatic creature they no not what is, so they want to hunt me down and dissect me to figure it out...like a Yeti...catagorize me...label me... I am having a personal bad day here    

On other days I am a cross between a deer and a mama bear. Imagine that! Phoenix

[bludie]

Sometimes I feel like a rabbit (Run, Rabbit, Run -- Updike -- another portrayal of an N?). There are times I am frozen, heart racing in the middle of an incomprehensible situation where I am doubting my instincts. Eventually, I find my legs and run (choose to leave) when things are bad or scary enough.

This is what childhood was like for me and I've been accused of running from relationships in adulthood. My ex-N was very clever and insipid in this area. After "studying" me he picked up on the fact I was working on not running from difficulties and trying to stay the course when problems arose. Each time we had a row, which was very frequent and chronic toward the end of our relationship, he'd accuse me of the 'run' syndrome. Quite manipulative. It worked for months. I stayed and kept trying to fix us; fix him; change myself until I got to the point of: Enough! I'm outa' here and this isn't a case of running; it's called self preservation and the pursuit of sanity.

[Pearl]

Like bludie, I often felt like a rabbit--I freeze when I sense danger.  I once sat through a long meeting with a man who kept rambling on, talking about his rabbits that he keeps in the backyard in a cage, and how the hawks would circle round, and I felt like one of those rabbits, stuck in this meeting with hawks, unable to leave because at the time I didn't drive, so I had gotten a ride with someone, and unable to say I needed to leave.

Lately I feel like a squirrel--still vulnerable, but moving, digging up all I can about my past and my self.  I need a rest from this, but it's like I want to make up for wasted time and solve everything right now.  

I discovered this board a few weeks ago, and it's been a revelation to find people who understand the struggle of dealing with the effects of Nparents.  I've come so far in the past few years, with therapy and a lot of work, but it's hard to feel or acknowledge the changes I've made, almost as if it would be dangerous to do so, that my Nfather's hypercritical voice really is right, and if I let up on myself for one minute I'll be eaten.  

There are times when I feel excited to be alive, that I'm actually doing enjoyable things like singing in a choir or taking a ceramics class, or drawing--maybe like a puppy frolicking on a walk, but then I get to work, and I feel like a failure, because I became a librarian and to my English Professor father, that is lower than low.  A library seemed a good place to hide, to be invisible--but I can't hide from my father's judgement that seems to live in my head.  This week a friend told me that she was shocked I felt like a failure at work, because I am doing research for doctors and finding information for patients--and said it was a grave injury my father inflicted in shaping me to feel deficient.

I'm glad to read this board, where there's a chance to practice morphing into happier creatures.

Pearl

[bunny]

This week a friend told me that she was shocked I felt like a failure at work, because I am doing research for doctors and finding information for patients--and said it was a grave injury my father inflicted in shaping me to feel deficient.

I am often in a university library because of all the psych books/journals. I am so grateful to the librarians, the students at the checkout counter, the programmers of the library's database, the students who shelve books, anyone who works there. They are SO MUCH MORE IMPORTANT TO ME THAN AN ENGLISH PROFESSOR.

I would be so proud if I were a librarian. That field is now very sophisticated. Your father is out of line and I'm sorry that he can't be proud of you just because you're his daughter. My parents are disappointed in me, too. Sadly, I have internalized the disappointment, but I try to minimize the time spent on it.

bunny

[Singer]

When I encounter Ns on the outside, I do this crazy dance like a mother bird faking the broken wing like "look, I'm not a threat, not a threat".  ("Underestimate me" is my middle name. )  Ns will think I'm too pathetic to bother with.  Then I'm off to the library!

Sometimes I'll switch grocery stores because I become uncomfortable if the clerks get to know me by sight. Never thought to question where that quest for anonymity came from, but that pretty much explains it.

Saturday is library day for me. I love the library; maybe I should change my animal to bookworm.  

Singer

[Anonymous]

One of the legacies of my upbringing is that I have a hard time with playfulness and make-believe (can anybody relate?).  So I had a hard time even imagining what animal I was most like.  Finally decided on a deer, like many of you.  

 I watch them in our back yard, moving steathily, always taking note of the atmosphere around them, always ready to bolt if need be in self protection.  Seems like a pretty good metaphor for my childhood to me!

I too have always loved libraires.  I read in Trapped in the MIrror that the children of the N's who fare best have a refuge in art.  I feel like reading was/is  a similar escape for me.  The day I got my first libray card I was so thrilled, feeling the joy of being surrounded by something you love.  My cousins who were with me looked at me like I was nuts

Stillstanding

[Portia]

Phoenix:

so they want to hunt me down and dissect me to figure it out...like a Yeti...catagorize me...label me

People try to make an image of you that fits with their view of the world. They want to know ‘what sort of a person’ you are. Are you their type of person, or not? Are you for or against them? Are you black or white, bad or good, friend or enemy? It’s easier than thinking about all the grey options in between. “Oh, I’m a bit bad and a bit good, it depends.” Many people hate that. “It depends” is taken as being smart-ass. But those stupid psych tests that prospective employers give us? I just sit there and think, “it depends”. Labels. Yuk. Let’s just stick to male and female, and I’m not even sure about that. How about human being? And the rest is up for discussion. Yeah.

But do they really want to hunt you down and dissect you? They probably just want easy labels so they can put you into some wee compartment in their heads and carry on feeling safe, confident and secure in their lives. It’s about them, not you. Take heart, be a deer-bear (a dear or a beer?). Hey, sorry! Did you ask me my opinion? No! I hope the day got better.


Hi Les. Struggling with this. Think I’d like just to be a brain sometimes. Then all the external stuff doesn’t matter. I’d like to fly though, fly away from danger. Can I be an albatross? I love ‘em. Especially the wandering variety that flies alone across the Antarctic oceans for months. Fantastic birds. Such freedom. Not much security, it’s a hard life and often short, but what an amazing life.

[BlueTopaz]

Portia & Seeker,

I feel very much the same about being a "shades of grey" person.   In fact, I was sooooo frustrated with my post secondary education (& psych. of all things- not like an mathematical equation or something that could be pinned down) for that very reason, that I seriously wondered if I would make it through school.  

There were so many "depends" variables for me in the work.  I did very well in school, but I was so irritated and felt like a phoney that was just saying all the right "text book" answers.  I did not enjoy studying for that very reason, at all.  

But what I ended up doing sometimes, was at the end of my "textbook" reply, I'd add in a whole other page of just extra "out of the box" stuff that I wanted to say as "me".   It helped me to be able to express my true self a bit, but boy was it ever extra work for me!   The professors thought I was just a very interested student, but I was really doing it to merely keep my sanity hehe...  

People try to make an image of you that fits with their view of the world. They want to know ‘what sort of a person’ you are. It’s easier than thinking about all the grey options in between.

Yes-exactly.  And I just now realized in reading your reply, why it is that I chose the chameleon lizard that blends in anywhere without a fuss.  

Similar to what you write for yourself, Seeker, it is because I tend to be the odd one out in my way of thinking from a given group idea or societal norms.  Often, the wavelength & social rules that society operates on can seem like a foreign language to me at the relating to level.  

This is precisely why I tried to hide...  To avoid the "complications" of explaining myself or dealing with being different.   It just seemed easier to invisibly blend in without making too much noise.  

I only realized this as I got older (now in my 30's) but you really lose out on many valuable things, both internally and in interactions with others, when you stifle parts of yourself.  

But do they really want to hunt you down and dissect you? They probably just want easy labels so they can put you into some wee compartment in their heads and carry on feeling safe, confident and secure in their lives. It’s about them, not you.

Yep- this is very true.   Even with this in mind, and what I wrote above about stifling oneself,  I still struggle with revealing the real me in the offline world.  

I'm just chipping away at it, bit by bit...  Stepping out, pulling back.... Out a little more, back for a bit, etc...    I also seem to have such different inner energy levels on different days, and this seems to affect my confidence and ability to push myself (in a healthy way).

I've just started to get back to meditation as an attempt to try to have more stable inner energy that hopefully can help me tap in more consistently to my inner strengths, and help me to grow more in needed areas...  

Anyway- going on a bit of a tangent...

BT

[bludie]

BT -- good for you in employing meditation as a way to tap into true self. Having taken some Bikram yoga sessions last year (but put aside after getting swept into my ex-N-fiance's whirlwind agenda) I just finished a Mindful Meditation class this week. Although I still balk at making this a priority within my routine, I find that when I do take the time to sit, meditate and breathe, things become clearer as my mind calms and my body relaxes. It's been especially helpful in the aftermath of my recent break-up. I highly encourage anyone to give it a whirl.

[ResilientLady]

good for you in employing meditation as a way to tap into true self

I totally agree with you BT, whereas it is yoga, TaiChi, or any other kind...It is what helped me achieve some sort of detachment. I also always carry a "Chinese philosophy" book in my purse, just in case....
Also when the anger was too strong to be handled "only" through meditation/reading, I would go outside jogging in the woods. Feeling the nature's strength and letting go my negative energy through "violent" effort helped too.

I highly encourage anyone to give it a whirl.

Me too!  
-RL

[phoenix]

Phoenix:

But do they really want to hunt you down and dissect you? They probably just want easy labels so they can put you into some wee compartment in their heads and carry on feeling safe, confident and secure in their lives. It’s about them, not you. Take heart, be a deer-bear (a dear or a beer?). Hey, sorry! Did you ask me my opinion? No! I hope the day got better.

I was referencing my family. And hey I wasn't being literal about being hunted down. We are all just imagining here, right?

At times I'd like to be a fly on their wall.   Phoenix