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Question for child rape survivors (A little bit graphic)

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Redhead Erin:
Does anybody else here have body memories in the form of shooting, stabbing vaginal pains? I have had them as far as I can remember, sometimes so bad they make me yell out or double over.  No medical cause, of course.

They become more frequent when I have to deal with my mother (big surprise) or when I am spending a lot of time on this board. I just had one that started in the vagina and radiated all the way up into my side, just above my right hip.  Made me shout out a few words I would not want my son to hear!

So the question was, if you have these, do you know how to make them stop?

sKePTiKal:
Jeez, not quite like that I don't!! Didn't even in the midst of the first flood of memories. (Blacking out; dissociation; whatever is a certain mercy)

What I do have, is a tendency to flinch, raise & tighten one shoulder and some sciatica.

Certain things do trigger those body memories... but they've faded over time, with healing. Tell that scared inner child, that everything is OK now... that what's happening now isn't the same as then because now you're a strong, smart woman and you'll protect her. It'll help! And you might even hear just what specifically she's afraid of - that stuff always helps, too.

Redhead Erin:
There is no doubt what my body is remembering--these pains feel EXACTLY like intercourse with a partner who is far bigger than me. I dont feel fear with these pains; I used to feel ashamed of them.  It took me a long time and a lot of therapy before I could ask my gynecologist about them.

sKePTiKal:
Well... for me... when the body memories come up... it means that a) something in my present circumstances has triggered the old feelings. That's the "bad news" part.

The good news part, is that I have a chance to deal with those feelings in the here & now - even when the circumstances are radically different in the now. Like I'm older, we hope I'm wiser, and even if it came down to it... physically stronger in some ways and less so in others. The real good news, is that if I do take a time-out to figure out what's going on.... why I feel this now, in these circumstances... then I'm just one short step or choice away from finally getting past the old thought-emotion-reaction cycle that caused the body memory to come up in the first place. There's an opportunity in all this -- to let another of chunk of my past go, once and for all.

And sometimes, all it takes, is that short "time out" -- to let things settle and give myself a chance to collect myself and process a few things.

KayZee:
Wow, this board never stops surprising me when it comes to shared experiences and things I can relate to...

Erin, I totally experience something similar to this.  Coincidentally, just before reading this, I referenced it in a personal post.  For the past few years, every time I visit my parents' house my uterus/nether regions burn.  I've had those shooting pains too, though not for a while.  Usually, my 'body memories' range from feeling like IBS, to period cramps (sans period), to labor pains.  Once on the ride back home after visiting NM, I had to pull over and let my husband drive I was in so much womanly pain.

I wish I had advice for making them stop!  P.R.'s advice about a time out seems like a good one.

Anyway, I wish I could be more helpful.  But I just wanted to let you know you have my solidarity.

sending lots of love your way, Kay

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