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Nar communication style

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sKePTiKal:
me again.

You mentioned something about Healthy Narcissism and I forgot I want to explore that a little more. I've wondered for a looong time, what the difference was, where the line is... precisely because of the guilty, it's kinda "bad" to "be like them" feeling you mentioned. But since I've also kinda branched out into social science in my reading this also applies there, too. There's Dr G's thread about Facebook and the online personas that people develop for themselves. There's my getting out and into 3-D social situations and my experiences (good/bad) with that.

I'm kinda thinking now, that HealthyN = self-respect, self-care, and that dreaded fuzzy word: self-esteem.

I know I struggled with working on all of those, precisely because I had suffered the direct emotional effects of being in a relationship with Nparents who didn't have a healthy sense of N. And I'm sure I overdid it (healthyN) and went to the other extreme sometimes, while trying to figure out for myself where that "line" was between healthy/unhealthy. Here's my current working idea of how to figure out where that line is:  healthyN has boundaries. Interpersonal boundaries are absolutely essential to having any kind of CO-munication or relationship... because there has to be a distinct "me" and a distinct, separate "you".

So, to develop that first definition a little more:


HealthyN = self-respect, self-care, and that dreaded fuzzy word: self-esteem UNTIL it ceases to recognize that other people are allowed to have this also and that the relationship between the two people isn't competitive - one better than the other or healthier than the other - even when they disagree in thoughts, emotions or beliefs. There is an unspoken understanding - maybe it's even an empathetic understanding - that it's perfectly OK to disagree, believe different things and that one doesn't reject the other person (or try to coerce them to be the "same")... there is mutual respect, mutual care - they could be best friends! - and mutual esteem. the PD-level N's can't participate at that level - it's so threatening to their self-image they simply can't allow this. Even when the pretend they are.

The way this relates to social science for me, is in watching politics - local, state, national and global. But that's way off topic here.

getnbtr:
Ahhh, as weird as it sounds, it's always reassuring to come here and KNOW there are folks experiencing what I am experiencing. I get so worn out from hearing the same questions repeated over and over...
my NH is always waiting for the "yes" instead of the "no". If I tell him the answer is STILL "no", he gets angry and wants to know why I can't communicate with HIM. Knowing this board is here makes things a little less nuts for me. No one else could possibly understand these things without having an N in their lives.

NMOMs are the worst for sure, when you are the scape goat anyway, I used to think it would be great to be the golden child until I realized my siblings were as out of touch with themselves as she was. They seem to be repeating her in some way with themselves and their children. My NM would also use what I confided in her to devalue me to anyone she could get to listen to her...it was heart breaking for me and had to confuse my siblings.

Does anyone else answer their N's questions, only to have them say you didn't tell them about whatever the conversation involved. My NH holds the same conversations with me over and over. The subject usually involves him SEEMING interested in the kids or me and it doesn't involve HIM.
   
Does your N make a big deal out of promising you something and talk it to death and NEVER do it?
These are the things that bother me the most. He pretends or doesn't remember anything about it if I mention the fact that we have had this conversations on MANY occasions. Then...I need to pay for bringing THAT up.

Both my NM (did) and NH (does) tell me how I feel too. The worst of it is when they tell other people in my life that I feel the way they "think", or more like pretend I feel. So many times I have heard from other people how "I" feel according to them because of what my N has told them, my N sure does spend an abundant amount of time convincing others of non-truths. So you know it's not an accident. He doesn't spend much time telling the truth, that's for sure. I find my NH talking to himself way too much too, like he's convincing himself of the lies he tells himself. He has managed to come between me and our children so often they don't believe what he tells them anymore. At one time they did and it was like he threw us into HELL...it took some time to straiten it out. Thankfully his story kept changing as to what he "really" meant, after a while it went to he couldn't remember. Then, The almighty....never happened.






I didn't get a chance to read all of the post here, I will when I have more time. Thanks for letting me vent! AND, thanks for understanding. <3

Meh:

--- Quote from: PhoenixRising on April 17, 2012, 07:46:57 AM ---Hey Star - are you thinking of the pathological caretaking personality? The one that "needs to be needed"... by an N - because that's the ONLY interaction/attention allowed in that relationship? This is part & parcel of the codependent style of relating. (you don't really strike me as the codependent type*...)

--- End quote ---

Hum, actually I don't know, but thank you for the possible suggestions of what it could be. It was mentioned by somebody on the board at one point that Nar people do attract or trigger other PD people but it wasn't stated. Or that Nar parents tend to raise Nar children or an alternative type and it could be like what you are saying above the pathological caretaking personality "needs to be needed".    

Certainly I was thinking something self-depricating and sort of an "I'm not worthy" personality.

Meh:
What is a person who doesnt have healthy Narcissism? Is that "over sensitive"?

sKePTiKal:
I'm sorry I couldn't remember that piece of info you were looking for. I'm sure you're right tho - there is a sort of "plug & play" personality for Ns. I think I just remembered my own version of it.    :oops:

As to your other question - I still don't feel like I have a good enough grasp of what HealthyN is. Getting there - getting clearer - but not to where I feel like I could guide someone else. Maybe that's the case for most people - it's a day to day thing - better some days; not so good on others.

But as for the "over-sensitive" moniker? That's usually just a nasty name-calling putdown to someone who DARES have real human feelings... from someone who wouldn't know what a real feeling was, if it smacked them in the face. People with healthy N have plenty of feelings - about themselves, and also about and for others. That kind of thing infuriates Ns... or requires a putdown, so that the N can feel better about him or herself. It's the only way they can.

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