Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Nar communication style
Meh:
--- Quote from: KayZee on April 14, 2012, 07:51:16 PM ---Also on the subject of N-communication, I noticed anytime my NM talks about feelings she switches from first person to second person. Like, talking about a teething baby or a sick toddler she'll say: "You just feel so bad for them." (This, instead of saying "I feel so bad for him/her"). It could be a figure of speech or it could be her poker 'tell.' Almost like she's acknowledging that she can't feel the emotions herself, but she sort of knows what other people ("you") feel in similar situations.
--- End quote ---
Growing up as a kid my father always talked to me this way in the second person like you point out above.
For a long time I thought it was correct speaking/correct english to talk like this. Then I noticed one time when I was speaking in second person like this one of my co-workers seemed to dislike it and I sort of switched to first person.
I always thought of speaking in second person in terms of --I don't know almost like the person is making a general statement rather than a personal statement or something.
It's sort of confusing though when a person uses second person and really means first person.
Meh:
So I read an article that makes a line between normal or standard social Narcissism or Healthy Narcissism compared to pathological Narcissism.
So of course there is a part of me that says why am I the target of the so called Narcissism in my family...and it even makes me wonder what they do is "healthy Narcissism"
But it leads me on to something else. Somewhere on this board somebody mentioned a while ago that there is a cooresponding personality disorder that gets triggered by the Narcissism. Is that like an inferiority issue or what is that PD called?
Because it seems that maybe people who didn't grow up as targets of their parents personality disorders are less reactive to "healthy Narcissism/social Narcissism" whatever that is. If a person has a web of NAR issues in their FOO then it makes them more susceptible to Nar people later in life like it triggers something??
Meh:
--- Quote from: KayZee on April 14, 2012, 07:51:16 PM ---Also, does the N in anyone else's life like to tell other people what they think or feel?
--- End quote ---
I bet that if you try to correct the N when the N is telling you what you think or feel--that you get a vacant sort of response or I don't know what kind of response you get. But N's are not open to clarifying to make sure both people are really on the same page as far as communication and understanding goes. At least that is what I have noticed. There is no openess to understanding in the communication process. I think probably healthier communication happens when both people are seeking to understand each other a little better.
Sometimes I think the Nar- person does get it like in my mothers's case but the lack of clarifing or openness towards the other is sort of like an insolent brat-ishness. Kind of like: "I"M NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU!"
I mean in telling another person what they should think or feel it is sort of saying the same thing "I'M NOT GOING TO LISTEN TO YOU!"
What I notice is that my Nar-mother never ever says she is sorry.
If I ever am direct in saying what I think the truth of the situation is--the Nar people say that I'm trying to use guilt on them and they get very angry and mean.
The only good thing about my relationships with my relatives getting so bad is that there really is no more pretense of caring or pretense that I am a family member. Growing up as a kid and teenager I always intuitively felt but didn't understand these things, I felt invisible and insignificant and rejected but my mother demanded that the facade was kept up. I guess it was the facade to the rest of the family that she was really acting like a parent when she wasn't. The "everything is okay facade".
IT really was a lie. So I look back and I talk to my inner teenager and I say: "Yeah, you were right all along"
Meh:
I get the bouncing screen thing at the bottom of my box so I'm making lots of entries here.
So if one is the target of Narcissism by their FOO. Does that mean that one does not develop a healthy Narcissism.
I mean I have thought: "Well if Narcissism works well for them, maybe I should try to be more Narcissistic."
To me this just means like being more aggressively selfish or something. Like being less socially polite-like trying to be more manipulative and dishonest.
It strikes me that the few times I have actually been dishonest to my mother it stands out in my mind as a very purposeful decision. I have rarely been dishonest to her. When I have told her personal things she tells her husband and the rest of the family...she then comes back to me and tells me that she has told everybody and she laughs like it's a joke. So she has also discouraged me from confiding in her--and I think that is pretty weird between a mother and daughter.
sKePTiKal:
Hey Star - are you thinking of the pathological caretaking personality? The one that "needs to be needed"... by an N - because that's the ONLY interaction/attention allowed in that relationship? This is part & parcel of the co-dependent style of relating. (you don't really strike me as the co-dependent type*...)
Or are you thinking about the FOO scapegoat role?
A couple more styles of so-called "coping" with that kind of emotional abuse come to mind, too... but these are the closest to what it sounds like (to me) that you're trying to the right "word" for...
* and I guess there is a lot of variation in co-dependence... because I think self-sabotage is one way some folks react to Ns -- living "down to" what they've always been told - and felt about themselves - that FOO relationship. This seems like co-dependence to me, because it's one way we pretzel ourselves into being something we're really not -- so that we can belong. That's the generalized "we" there... professor-crap-speak again.
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