Hi Kay... I've thought about this a lot, got a few theories. Wanna hear 'em? (It's ok, if you don't.)
Yes, I most definitely think that there are "bad mothers"... those who for what can be thousands of different, interconnected reasons - just don't have the empathy to care enough about their child to "mother" it in an appropriate way. Once you get to the level below functional mechanisms, the only thing really left is that lack of empathy. What kids don't know - and then grow up believing bad or incorrect things about themselves - is that it's really not personal; it's not some aspect of the child that causes the mother to be so disinterested or unpredictably neglectful, delusional, or mean. This is an absolutely critical piece of information that gets lost in the relationship's projection, reactions, etc. One is just too close to the situation to see it clearly, in it's entirety. AND, one's understanding is further clouded, fuzzed out, by the intensity of emotion (it's confusing and hurtful as hell): as a child, one's whole existence is DEPENDENT on those primary caregivers - it's built into OUR brains that the worst possible scenario will come true, if we piss off mom.... we'll suffer abandonment: which for a child is physical and emotional starvation, exposure to the elements and the inability to protect oneself from those who would harm us. [I just had to explain this to my oldest D, in reference to her pathologically N Dad - she was in the familiar: what's wrong with me mode... blaming herself. Good thing she checked with mom; I just wish she'd done it before she sabotaged herself!!]
So, we can't "fix" the moms or dads... but we can surely "fix" ourselves and how we deal with them.
The other theory I have, and you touched on this, I think - is that sometimes, the inherent personalities of moms (and mostly) daughters are simply incompatible. Maybe Mom's personality developed to be cold & unemotional; sort of ruthlessly unempathetic and Vulcan-rational. While D is one of those Highly Sensitive personalities... anything and everything provokes an emotional response. One personality isn't better than the other, or more human than the other - they're just different - but never the twain shall meet, ya know? In this sort of relationship, a lot of interactions are going to "go wrong" too. By way of example, I read something recently about parental-counseling philosophies for Type A parents, who have Type B children. With motivation and desire - and some education/training on the parts of parent & child, these parent-child relationships can improve to allow for the differences in personalities.
And then, lastly - there's the issue of the child separating from the dependency on the parent (or vice versa, with Nparents). I'll admit I have what some people might consider a really radical philosophy about this.... because I was in my late 40s when I finally understood my own separation-process, but having raised two daughters I was also immersed in trying to "do it differently - better". I didn't understand the "why" at the time... but I insisted that my girls be "who they are" - and not simply pattern themselves on me (or anyone else, for that matter). I pushed them to be independent and self-sufficient in their skillsets and abilities... to be responsible for themselves and not look to other people for "approval"; to think it through and decide for themselves. They reached different plateaus of competency at different times and ages. They are very, very different kinds of people. We joke all the time about how each of them, has a little of mom - different things - in them. Not always good, positive traits, mind you! And this process was full of pitfalls, mistakes (sometimes repeated ones), and lots of "trying again"... but so far, so good. I've noticed a significant decrease in their need to consult mom about their own lives - yet we still communicate on that level, because they know I'll listen, console, support, brainstorm ideas... when they need me to do that with them. So we still have a strong connection - but they're both extremely competent in their own ways - and so, they're pretty autonomous people.
I'm still working on persuading myself that it's OK for me to have this, too. Regardless of what my Nmom thinks and tries to have with me.
