I just want to say .........

[Twoapenny]

Wow, Kay, thank you.  Made me cry (((((((((((((((((((Kay))))))))))))))))) in a good way! xxx

[Meh]

Refusal of other to acknowledge how I feel - attempts were made to rationalise my feelings.  They're my feelings, I own them, I don't need to justify or explain them to people, they are there and they are valid.  Over and over again, for almost thirty years now, people have denied me my right to feel.---------------
Focus on the behaviour of the victim and their response rather than the offender.  Again, a pattern - coming into contact with people who think 'victims' should behave and react a certain way.  Over and over again people have justified or explained the abuse by focusing on my behaviour and the way in which I deal with it rather than focusing on the abuser.
Dismissing me as irrational, emotional - generally not listening - no voice!!!!!!!!  So many people want to deny me a voice.

Hi Two,

I have always felt that there is something fundamentally wrong with me also and that I need to be "sorry" for it.
It's probably just the residual impact of abuse and neglect. Also there is probably some emotional validity to it--but instead of us internalizing the "I am wrong" part it was probably more of "this external situation is wrong".

According to the therapists that I have seen, they say that is the point of therapy: to have a neutral witness.

Maybe if you just want to talk to somebody just to have your feelings validated a therapist could help with that though because that is what they say they specialize in-at least I'm told so.

[Meh]

Refusal of other to acknowledge how I feel - attempts were made to rationalise my feelings.  They're my feelings, I own them, I don't need to justify or explain them to people, they are there and they are valid.  Over and over again, for almost thirty years now, people have denied me my right to feel.

This kind of stands out to me.

[Twoapenny]

Hey Star,

I am getting stronger about owning my feelings. I feel less concerned about other people giving their permission, as it were, for me to feel that way. I think you are right when you say it links back to residual abuse in childhood. Most of us weren't allowed anything of our own - feelings, emotions, privacy, thoughts - even my body wasn't mine when I was a child. What I find interesting/upsetting is, I suppose, society's attitudes to abuse in general - I think most people are quite uncomfortable talking about it and would prefer people like 'us' not to talk about it, and when we do,they minimise it and make it something smaller and more palatable.  It still resonates when someone refuses to accept it, I think because my entire family - extended and imediate - think I should just accept it and stop making a fuss. It's easier for them that way, they can carry on pretending nothing is happening just like they always have.  I guess it's just avoidance.   I'm kind of between therapists right now, I'm looking into working with someone who specialises in helping release trauma from the body - I'm hoping she can help with my aches and pains which don't seem to have a medical cause (ie the doctors can't find anything wrong with me). I'm seeing how much I can do on my own first - partly because it's expensive and I want to make sure I can afford it when I really need it, but also because I want to see how well I know myself now and how honest I can be with myself about my thoughts and feelings.

I hope you are doing okay at the minute? xxx