Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Help? Advice?
BonesMS:
I can relate to the situation of the N "inviting herself" whether it's convenient or not. :P It's a HUGE PAIN IN THE ASS!!!!
In my situation, I live in a condominium development where parking is restricted and visitors are required to park in the designated visitor area, which this N REFUSED to do because it was "too inconvenient". When she showed up, after I had already told her NO, she got told that she was banned from the property and the next time she showed up, uninvited, the police and the tow truck would be called and she would be hauled outta there for trespassing and illegal parking!
The suggestion I'm trying to make is that you could (a) not be home when she shows up or (b) do what I did and have her banned from the housing development if you can. It doesn't matter how many times you say NO to an N, they simply REFUSE to hear you! That's when drastic measures come in to play.
Bones
JustKathy:
I agree with Bones. I would tell her that you have plans for that day, and follow through. Go somewhere, so when she arrives, no one is home.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: JustKathy on May 24, 2012, 10:53:36 PM ---I agree with Bones. I would tell her that you have plans for that day, and follow through. Go somewhere, so when she arrives, no one is home.
--- End quote ---
Thanks, JustKathy! The N can't force herself on you if you're not there. Just be sure that you don't tip your hand and tell her where you're going. That way, she can't follow you.
Bones
Meh:
Not being home would =a day without mother's presence
If it was my mother it would also = retaliation and bratt-ish-ness
Hum, but yeah I think Bones has come up with a good suggestion there it's evasive.
It sends the msg. "I can make plans without you", " I may not be waiting at home whenever you want me to be".
"We really want a day to ourselves"
I think as a family, you/husband and your children deserve to have some birthdays that are void of the emotional trauma. She is being a rude guest.
Good luck!
As an adult I have realized how my mother has lied to me and in very harmful selfish ways. I didn't comprehend it when I was a kid.
So sometimes as an adult if I'm feeling really desperate I allow myself the experience of lying to my mother. :D
Also if you can afford it, go on a roadtrip some long weekend at some point, You sound overwhelmed--- just by yourself to a bed and breakfast and just chill out. Order pancakes and buy a bunch of flowers and go for a bike ride or something.
Lie, say that you have had the flu and won't be doing a cake and celebration. Say that somebody bruised their elbow and so everybody is keeping in low key due to bad spirits. Say that the dog had fleas and the house is being fumigated. Termites. Ants.
Wasps. Bats in the attic. Rats.
?I don't know. The reality of these family relationships is that they are hard to break. There is full contact or no contact or minimal contact. Then there is the question of the quality of the relationship when there is some contact. It's as if we all hope that we could have better relatives and better "quality of contact" :) Coming up with new terms here.
KayZee:
Ales: Thank you so much!
I love the idea of splitting everyone up a little bit, seating wise, when my daughter's party comes. My NM gets so territorial of me and aggressive whenever there's a crowd (and particularly when my in-laws are around). She actually stares daggers at me when I talk to anyone else. Or she'll get kind of physically intimidating, wedging herself between me and whoever I'm speaking to--forcing herself into my line of vision. The more I can keep her away from me the better!
Thanks too for the advice about making friends. I really haven't devoted too much time to getting out there (I need to). I've just been feeling so socially awkward. Like, honestly I feel kind of slow when I'm around new people, like I'm a few beats behind everyone. It's like I get so panicked, I totally shut down and then I beat myself up about it. Perhaps I've been a bit hard on myself though. I do have a playdate scheduled with a new mommy friend who is very nice next Monday.
Maybe too I'm feeling a little bit gun shy. I fell in one of those platonic-love-at-first-sight instant friendships when I first moved up here (this should have been a warning sign that I was getting into one of those questionable l friendships that was sort of one-sided and a lot like the dysfunction I grew up with). Long story short, everything went sour. Once this woman realized I was incapable of helping her in the way she wanted to be helped, she repeatedly stood me up and more or less dropped contact with me. And ever since, I've been feeling a little bit doubtful and closed-off. I supposed the hurt inner child in me wants to use it as an excuse: "See? Why should I open up and trust anyone? I did that and look how it turned out. Everyone uses or abandons me like my parents did." But the more rational side of me knows I should persevere.
Could all be an indication that I need to focus on more healing work before I try to go out and be a social butterfly. Maybe it's okay to hold back and be on my own for a while. Just need to quiet the inner critic (the NM who resides in my head) that says "nobody likes me" or "I will never fit in." These are the thoughts that I battle when I'm feeling solitary.
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