Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Help? Advice?
KayZee:
And an update about my son's B-day: Hubby and I talked it over, and we travel to NM's house on my son Peter's birthday.
I texted NM to say, "Maybe we can travel to you instead? We're hosting people here for most of May and June and it's getting to be a little much." This is the truth.
Another more, even more poignant truth: going to NM's house is the lesser evil. At least there, she can't criticize me about my housekeeping, snoop through my stuff, act all disdainful and self-righteous about the food we eat ("the horror! real butter!"). Also, whenever things get to hairy, we can make an excuse and leave. When she's at my house, I feel like I can't kick her out no matter how much I ache to!
Anyway, NM texts back all sickeningly sweet: "You're welcome at my house anytime!"
And here's where, admittedly, I let my anger get the better of me. Because I felt a little bit like she'd played dirty and won. She invited herself; she rallied the troops against me (telling everyone she never gets to see her grandchildren); she made my son's birthday totally about HER instead of about my son, our family and our traditions. And I sort of felt like she shouldn't be able to get away with it. I at least wanted her to know that I KNOW how bulldozing and devious she was. I guess I wanted to speak my truth...even just the tiniest bit.
So I texted back: "It's a deal then. Also, please stop telling people that you never get to see your grandchildren, and that I withhold them from you. Because that's not true."
What does she write back? Again, sickeningly sweet, like butter wouldn't melt in her mouth: "I don't know why I would ever think that let alone say it!"
Lying. As always. (My uncle had told me all the things she'd called him and said just an hour earlier, painting herself as such a victim.) Everything she does is deniable. I *hate* her. And I will never escape her. I feel like I've only given her more ammunition with which to make me look angry/crazy to the rest of my family.
Ales2:
Hi KayZee - This sounds like a good solution, not perfect, and I can hear and understand your resentment turning the BDay into a trip to the NM Funhouse. :0 But your points are excellent, no comments about your stuff and easy exits. Thats probably workable. If she gets unruly, cut the visit short. She'll eventually get the message that you wont tolerate her behavior. I've found extricating myself from the situation leaves them wondering, which is better than asserting myself and explaining since they don't care/don't listen anyway. Complaining always makes us look like the bad guys, so dont complain or explain, its just time to go.
About the friend thing that didnt work out. Would changing your perspective help a little? It sounds like you dodged a bullet by not getting involved, so instead of feeling doubtful, would it help to feel relief? Maybe some self praise for your growth in recognizing this persons red flag? As in, lucky me, I saw that coming, or glad I didn't get involved in that. In my lifetool box that I got from therapy, one of them is that the inner child in me was lied to, so while my feelings are real to me (as they are with you) those feelings were started with a lie - and the lie is the Nism, so knowing that, I dont have to believe in limited ways about myself anymore. This is in my journal:
My EMOTIONAL ROADBLOCKS are LIES.
I am BEYOND this.
I use this frequently to counter the self doubt and other issues I feel. They hurt and they are real to me, but I dont have to believe them because of what I now know.
Anyway, sounds like you are doing good - and yes, very smart to tell her to stop turning others against you. My NM is trying that with me now too. She wont speak to anyone in the family (Aunts, Uncles, close friends, neighbors of family who helped with sick family members etc) so they all call me now and now THAT is pissing her off. Pisses me off too, since none of them ever bothered to be concerned with me at all. :(
Have a wonderful weekend, you deserve it.
Ales
KayZee:
(((Kathy))))
--- Quote ---so instead would call and insist that we come over to visit on her orders, or call and tell me that she was sending my father over to drop off something that I didn't need (meaning, sending him to spy on us and report back if we had any new cars, upgrades to the house, etc). I finally started telling her that I had other plans and wouldn't be home. Unfortunately, though, it didn't work. She would reply with, "That's okay, I'll send your father over anyway, and he can leave (whatever item) at the door."
--- End quote ---
The above is such an infuriating violation of boundaries!! I totally understand and feel for you, especially in your decision to go NC.
My in-laws are pretty wonderful and compassionate. And they definitely understand that my relationship with my family (NM in particular) is strained. NM was so horrible to DH in the beginning, especially around the time of my wedding, that there was no hiding the dysfunction! Still, I worry that they will think less of me if they knew just how awful everything is. This is my own fear of course and my childhood defense mechanism, left over from the days of growing up in that house where I had to "smile, and pretend everything's peachy/normal." In reality, my in-laws never ever been remotely judgmental of me. And my mother-in-law has a relationship with her N-sister that's a lot like the one I have with my Mom (mother-in-law, herself, has had to go NC). So, yes, all to say. I should open up to them a little bit more while they're here. They already know the worst of it anyway.
KayZee:
Bones,
I'm floored by your NM's, well... stalking, really. It's just stalking. No other word for it.
--- Quote ---I had already told her NO, she got told that she was banned from the property and the next time she showed up, uninvited, the police and the tow truck would be called and she would be hauled outta there for trespassing and illegal parking!
--- End quote ---
I can't tell you how much I admire you for the above. So strong and brave of you to stand up to her!
I'm so sorry you went through all of that (stressful, infuriating, disruptive stuff), but it gives me great relief to know I'm not the only one who's NM constantly invites herself over.
Last time that my NM invited herself it went down like this.... With less than one day's notice, NM called to say she was thinking about driving up from my sister's house to see us. I said, sorry, but we have friends visiting for the weekend (we did). The next time we saw NM, she told my DH, "Next time that I want to see you and you have company for the weekend, I'm just going to play the 'grandmother card' and come anyway." WTF? Come and CRASH our weekend with our friends?
NM seems to think that being a grandmother gives her license to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, given that's the kind of mother she was too. A total dictator who thought she could do whatever she wanted, say whatever she wanted, abuse people however she wanted, be as controlling as she wanted all because and I quote: "You are the children and I am the MOTHER."
KayZee:
Thank you, Starlight! For the amazing words of wisdom.
--- Quote ---As an adult I have realized how my mother has lied to me and in very harmful selfish ways. I didn't comprehend it when I was a kid.
So sometimes as an adult if I'm feeling really desperate I allow myself the experience of lying to my mother. Very Happy
--- End quote ---
I love the above! And it's made me realize that I never lie to my mother (and question why not)? Especially when I know that half the information I give her (successes, failures and emotions especially) will be used against me! It's like I willingly give her a guided tour, complete with map of all the ways she can hurt and manipulate me.
I wish to death that I could have better "quality of contact" with my family. I'm at an impassable crossroad at the moment where I want low-contact (just a few holidays a year) with NM and want to keep an emotional distance from her as well, and she's going around telling everyone in my family that she's so desperate to improve our relationship and be closer. And well, call me cynical. But this just seems like more lying, triangulating and manipulation. Because when we're alone together, she doesn't in any way "try to be close." She won't hug me when I see her. She makes every effort to undercut me and criticize me when we're alone together. She doesn't call me up either (unless she has a scheme/agenda). She doesn't ask me about herself (never has of course) and makes no effort to know me. This sounds dramatic, but I feel like she wants to destroy me and she wants me out of the family (she's turned almost everyone there against me). So I don't really see how she wants to be closer or mend anything. It's just another cover. Lots of talk so no one will examine her actions.
I am ranting again. But this is similar to what she did with me and my sister. She totally destroyed our relationship (or aided and abetted it's destruction) and drove a wedge between us. And then, she goes around telling everyone that she's so heartbroken that sis and I don't have a relationship. And that SHE (NM!) wants to be the one who brings my sister and I back together! This is more lies. This is laughable. But there is no way to make my truth known to anyone. Because NM is always there, controlling the information and telling them something different. Agggh.
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