Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Help? Advice?
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Starlight on May 25, 2012, 02:46:01 PM ---Not being home would =a day without mother's presence
If it was my mother it would also = retaliation and bratt-ish-ness
Hum, but yeah I think Bones has come up with a good suggestion there it's evasive.
It sends the msg. "I can make plans without you", " I may not be waiting at home whenever you want me to be".
"We really want a day to ourselves"
I think as a family, you/husband and your children deserve to have some birthdays that are void of the emotional trauma. She is being a rude guest.
Good luck!
As an adult I have realized how my mother has lied to me and in very harmful selfish ways. I didn't comprehend it when I was a kid.
So sometimes as an adult if I'm feeling really desperate I allow myself the experience of lying to my mother. :D
Also if you can afford it, go on a roadtrip some long weekend at some point, You sound overwhelmed--- just by yourself to a bed and breakfast and just chill out. Order pancakes and buy a bunch of flowers and go for a bike ride or something.
Lie, say that you have had the flu and won't be doing a cake and celebration. Say that somebody bruised their elbow and so everybody is keeping in low key due to bad spirits. Say that the dog had fleas and the house is being fumigated. Termites. Ants.
Wasps. Bats in the attic. Rats.
?I don't know. The reality of these family relationships is that they are hard to break. There is full contact or no contact or minimal contact. Then there is the question of the quality of the relationship when there is some contact. It's as if we all hope that we could have better relatives and better "quality of contact" :) Coming up with new terms here.
--- End quote ---
From my perspective, there's nothing brat-tish about setting boundaries given that you are an adult with a family of your own. If the NQueen Bee doesn't like that, then she can lump it and get lost!
Bones
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: KayZee on May 25, 2012, 11:43:37 PM ---Bones,
I'm floored by your NM's, well... stalking, really. It's just stalking. No other word for it.
--- Quote ---I had already told her NO, she got told that she was banned from the property and the next time she showed up, uninvited, the police and the tow truck would be called and she would be hauled outta there for trespassing and illegal parking!
--- End quote ---
I can't tell you how much I admire you for the above. So strong and brave of you to stand up to her!
I'm so sorry you went through all of that (stressful, infuriating, disruptive stuff), but it gives me great relief to know I'm not the only one who's NM constantly invites herself over.
Last time that my NM invited herself it went down like this.... With less than one day's notice, NM called to say she was thinking about driving up from my sister's house to see us. I said, sorry, but we have friends visiting for the weekend (we did). The next time we saw NM, she told my DH, "Next time that I want to see you and you have company for the weekend, I'm just going to play the 'grandmother card' and come anyway." WTF? Come and CRASH our weekend with our friends?
NM seems to think that being a grandmother gives her license to do whatever she wants, whenever she wants. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised, given that's the kind of mother she was too. A total dictator who thought she could do whatever she wanted, say whatever she wanted, abuse people however she wanted, be as controlling as she wanted all because and I quote: "You are the children and I am the MOTHER."
--- End quote ---
Unfortunately, that's the way N's think....that they are the SLAVE-OWNERS and we are the SLAVES.
Bones
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: KayZee on May 25, 2012, 11:58:11 PM ---Thank you, Starlight! For the amazing words of wisdom.
--- Quote ---As an adult I have realized how my mother has lied to me and in very harmful selfish ways. I didn't comprehend it when I was a kid.
So sometimes as an adult if I'm feeling really desperate I allow myself the experience of lying to my mother. Very Happy
--- End quote ---
I love the above! And it's made me realize that I never lie to my mother (and question why not)? Especially when I know that half the information I give her (successes, failures and emotions especially) will be used against me! It's like I willingly give her a guided tour, complete with map of all the ways she can hurt and manipulate me.
I wish to death that I could have better "quality of contact" with my family. I'm at an impassable crossroad at the moment where I want low-contact (just a few holidays a year) with NM and want to keep an emotional distance from her as well, and she's going around telling everyone in my family that she's so desperate to improve our relationship and be closer. And well, call me cynical. But this just seems like more lying, triangulating and manipulation. Because when we're alone together, she doesn't in any way "try to be close." She won't hug me when I see her. She makes every effort to undercut me and criticize me when we're alone together. She doesn't call me up either (unless she has a scheme/agenda). She doesn't ask me about herself (never has of course) and makes no effort to know me. This sounds dramatic, but I feel like she wants to destroy me and she wants me out of the family (she's turned almost everyone there against me). So I don't really see how she wants to be closer or mend anything. It's just another cover. Lots of talk so no one will examine her actions.
I am ranting again. But this is similar to what she did with me and my sister. She totally destroyed our relationship (or aided and abetted it's destruction) and drove a wedge between us. And then, she goes around telling everyone that she's so heartbroken that sis and I don't have a relationship. And that SHE (NM!) wants to be the one who brings my sister and I back together! This is more lies. This is laughable. But there is no way to make my truth known to anyone. Because NM is always there, controlling the information and telling them something different. Agggh.
--- End quote ---
Been there done that with the NM who also completely destroyed any possibility of having any relationships with anyone on her side of the family. She convinced them all that I was nothing more than the mentally retarded whore who should be destroyed as if I was nothing more than a defective animal. (She commented to me, at one point, that she never planned to have me, wanted to abort me, but my father would not permit it. As far as SHE was concerned, the NGCB was her ONLY child.) As a result, when I occasionally cross paths with anyone of that side, they act as if I'm not related to them. One male relative actually propositioned me when he showed up to "console me" when the NM died! His excuse? "Well, she told me that you're the family whore and she NEVER lied to me! How about it? Cousins screw in West Virginia!" I threw him out! Dealing with him felt like I was dealing with a male version of the NM! As for my NGCB, he has completely disappeared and refuses to communicate with me because of all the lies the NM told him as well.
I finally got tired of trying to have a relationship with any of these people and realized that if they choose to believe all those SICK and TWISTED lies about me, then I don't need to have that kind of dysfunction around me.
Bones
Ales2:
--- Quote ---This sounds dramatic, but I feel like she wants to destroy me and she wants me out of the family (she's turned almost everyone there against me). So I don't really see how she wants to be closer or mend anything. It's just another cover. Lots of talk so no one will examine her actions.
--- End quote ---
It doesnt sound dramatic. It is. And its real. I have the same problem with my NM in a slightly different way. My NM fears being abandoned by us kids (she's a widow, my great Dad died in 2000) and the only thing she did with her life was be a Mom - so if she loses us, its a huge failure. Problem is she is so selfish and controlling that we dont want to be involved with her. The problem is kind of subconscious - i.e not exactly clear and that is where the mixed messages come from. Outwardly, she will say she wants us to be happy, but she will do the very things that undermine that (without being able to see it or understand her actions) and then is surprised with the result. Your Mom sounds like she does the same thing. My Nm used to do some of the things you are going through now, but since I went NC (with the exception of this last two months) she is feeling the gig is up and things have changed, but not entirely for the better. That may still take some time.
Hang in there - just think every time you are asserting yourself with her you are making progress. Asserting myself causes me alot of anxiety, so there are many times where I stumble and go backwards. Thats when I need to keep reminding myself Assert and Relax. i.e let it go, so I do the best I can - that is always enough. :)
Twoapenny:
Hi Kayzee,
I just wanted to say it's not easy coping with this kind of relationship - even going NC isn't an easy thing to choose to do. It took me years to get to a point where I'm no longer bothered by the lies she tells about me and the way that she behaves. I eventually told everyone what had really been going on after about five years of being NC (you mentioned that no-one knows your truth). None of them wanted to get involved, but no-one denied it, either. I suspect many families choose not to notice, rather than actually not knowing.
I think it sounds like you are doing amazingly well. Redefining a relationship - particularly one as central to your life as the one you have with your mum - is a lot of hard work and means learning lots of new skills. I've built up very slowly over a long period of time. I started of by avoiding her, as you're trying to now (I pretended I had a full time job so that she'd stop turning up and parking her backside on my sofa for half the morning whenever she felt like it). I wasn't assertive enough to say "It's not convenient for you to just turn up, I'd prefer you to ring beforehand". I still struggle to be that assertive but I am a lot better than I used to be. Over time I was able to reduce contact more and eventually I stopped speaking to her altogether (although this was primarily because the abuse had got to a point where she was threatening my son's emotional health as well as my own).
I think having children can help in a situation like this. I was very aware of the fact that I was modelling relationships for my son. I didn't want him to grow up taking the kind of crap I'd had to, so it forced me to think about the way I let people treat me. Try taking babysteps and perhaps focusing more on positives for you - like playdates with other mums. I've been amazed over the years how many poeple I know who have similar problems with their mums but don't mention them because they think everyone else will think they're bad! You might end up meeting someone who knows just how you feel. Hope the situation starts to get better for you soon.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version