Sometimes I walk by this day care center with big wall size windows looking in off of the street view. There is an area where babies crawl around and then another room with older children. You know, I see the bald headed babies that all look a lot alike. They make baby barf and drool and cry and make stinky poop...BUT they all do that. It's just what babies do you know!! It's really hard to single any one baby out and say: "There that baby that one with the pitchforked tail" That is the bad one.
How come we can rationalize this logically and see that all the babies are very similar in their baby-ness and none are especially evil.
How come on the other hand we feel so terminally, congenitally, bad, worthless, less than.....as if one must be apologetic for one's own existence.
My guess is because of the interesting ways people process emotions, the way young children process emotions it's not really logical, rational or adult-like. IT's different.
Without saying directly both of my parents did think I was bad. My father had a very low opinion of himself (low self esteem) and he reflected that onto me. He saw no reason why I should be any different from himself. He thought that a child that went to summer camp or anything entertaining or social was "spoiling" a child. My mother had a baby so that a man would take care of her and so she wouldn't have to work. She liked the part about her being taken care of and not working. She didn't like the baby itself she just liked it as a manipulative tool.
So yeah on some level my parents reflected to me that I was bad. That was their story that I have carried around for a long long time AND it has impacted me and it is part of my life. Look how old I am and still talking about it.
There is something that we just didn't get that we needed in order to feel like we really are legitimate humans. Not bad, not even absolutely good....just valid, relevant real humans.
I say not absolutely good because ----look how much we do try to improve ourselves but never really pinpoint the real issue.
Just the way we are---it's fine. Even with the parts that didn't come together perfectly--we are fine.
Except for the unresolved grief that is another toughie.
We might be able to say we are fine but we still don't always feel fine. ??
Just a ramble.
