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Redhead Erin:
Yes, without a doubt I think that is why they do it.  I think about 90% of what they do is intended to make people do their bidding.  There is no doubt in my mind that my entire childhood was an exercise in forcing a square peg into a round hole.

Oh I forgot a few more things in Madame PuppetMaster's handbook for Friendship:

1. If someone is upset with you, you obviously made them that way.  ("What did you do to make that girl mad at you?")
2. If finally your social awkwardness gets the better of you and you have no friends, that is your own fault
3. If you dont have any friends, you are not trying hard enough.

Imagine trying to operate under those rules as a girl in Jr. High!  My school life was hell, I tell ya.

Thinking about this, I see there are a lot of conflicting messages, like you should kiss someone's ass for a pool-party invitation, but when they turn out to be as insincere as you were, it calls for soul searching and self-loathing to figure out why.  Or it's OK to use other people for their stuff, but you must always be on guard so on one uses you.

Now I have a horrible time making and keeping friends.  I never know what to say in any social setting, I feel like everybody thinks I'm weird (or tainted, since I work as a dancer) and I am always unsure of my friends and the nature of my friendships.  I dont have many friends and I am never surprised when they drift away.  I usually regard baby showers and weddings as "goodbye parties" because I know I will never see those women again. 

SilverLining:

--- Quote from: PhoenixRising on July 12, 2012, 08:00:06 AM ---This just popped into my head (so it might be irrelevant)... re: the friendship messages...

it's like we were given those messages so the N in our lives, could keep us right where they wanted us - friendless, dependent on them, isolated (and therefore available as scapegoats, whatever) - and always, always keep the N as the "the most" important person in our lives.


--- End quote ---

This makes a lot of sense to me. In working through these sorts of messages in my FOO situation, I realized there are many devious negative patterns.  The normal challenges of friendship and social activity were my fault.  But when things were going good for me, that was just luck or the operation of outside forces (such as them).   They did nothing to encourage a sense of independent ability to create positive outcomes.     

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote --- They did nothing to encourage a sense of independent ability to create positive outcomes.
--- End quote ---

SL - this is the important part, of the "flip-side" list: so often it's easy to list the outrageous things that "they" did... but a whole lot harder to come up with a list of what was needed, wanted, or what normal parents do...

Maybe... I think it might be possible, to start our own list of positive things - ways to interact with people, support them (and that inner voice in our own heads)... to start making them a regular part of one's life. Gratitude is a pretty good starting point... and it points out clues about what matters... what I care about... didn't we have a thread at one time... "Today I'm grateful for"?? Who started that, was it Lighter?

Gratitude also reinforces that sense of richness of life, supporting the idea of "Living well is the best revenge...". It helps when my hubs reminds me to stop always fixating on the negatives in a situation... and go looking for the positives. I'm getting a little better; need fewer reminders now.

Hopalong:
Hi Tupp,
I thought my post was so gi-normous as to be nearly a hijack of your thread
(not to be oversensitive...)

xo
Hops

Twoapenny:
Hey Hopsie :)

It's not my thread, it's everybodies' thread :)  That's what I love about this forum, so much of it links together and resonates (and therefore helps!) wherever it is and whatever it's in relation to.  Haven't had a chance to read it all through yet (just a brief skim) but did notice Erin's list and wondered when she'd spoken to my mum! ;)  Funny how those similarities are there so often.

Tup xx

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