Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Oversensitive

<< < (4/6) > >>

Hopalong:
I can relate...I wore the "oversensitive" label until I decided it was (experienced it as) as unfair as telling a person they are "overshort." I had much to learn about how my anxiety drove me to social behaviors that sometimes alienated people. Oh let me count the ways. It still can--but I let the self-loathing spurts go by fast, and it's never as intense as it used to be. Actually, loathing is too strong a word. More like brief shame. Likewise, my threshold for reverberating to pain (in the world, in the culture) was so low I resembled a tuning fork for decades.

I think a key for me, THE key, was the self-love epiphany. Once I began to take seriously the notion that self-love was actual, even physical, not just a "concept" -- my "sensitivity" (to rejection or another's displeasure) began to calm. Intentional exercises like turning the "floodlight" of love/compassion/empathy that I was experienced at sending to others...and imaging that same love turned around and beaming into my own self, seeing that inner self as just as deserving as the "outer people" were...that really helped. Plus an amazing and actual encounter with my sad little inner child. When I literally felt her small arms go over my shoulders when I bent to hug her, my resistance to loving myself left me.

Before that, I felt responsible for everything in the universe (N-ish, but backward). I felt wounded by anybody not liking me. I ruminated over small slights for ages. I made myself so miserable.

But now I don't. Or rarely. I know my friends are patient with my sensitivity -- and I also know that for those who choose to get to know me or love me -- they are learning about a caring, loyal, affectionate and worthwhile person who will love and care about them for the long haul. My friends are few but after years of not feeling "found" in friendship, now I am. I have a tendency to pick people who are somewhat outside the classic mainstream visions of "valuable". I don't care if they're pretty or rich or cool. I have found myself becoming attached to people whose character impresses me. Givers. Deep thinkers who don't confused their intelligence with their worth, but use it to ponder things that matter. I am less drawn to people who don't show much interest in me (huge change). I used to pretzel myself trying to win the approval and attention of remote or "cool" people...now, if some reciprocal friendliness doesn't appear after a while, I don't try to persuade them.

I also do intentional, whack-a-mole battle with my own Nspots. My friends see me being a voicehog at times. They also see me say, "I feel as though I'm talking too much--and don't always perceive it accurately. Please tell me if it feels out of balance." I've actually had women in a Covenant Group I belong to tell me I have a misapprehension of time, and that I'm misperceiving my "turns" as overlong, that they're really not. And others will tell me they really enjoy listening to me. That's a sweet acceptance for a chatterbox. And one GREAT friend can remark, "Nope, it's not all about you" when I go on a rant -- and she's not putting me down! She just gets where I can go, and we laugh about it.

What a GEM she is. (I told her if I were gay, I'd propose. She's one of the finest people I know.)

Revelation: there are a LOT of lonely people in the world! There are also healthy, friendly people who would like to have a new friend and have a "big enough" life to include new friends. If specific people don't respond to overtures, or if contact not reciprocal enough to make me feel emotionally okay around them...I can move on! Once I identified for myself that I require enough reciprocity to feel authentically that it's a potential real friendship, that was a huge help. I still fall into N-chasing sometimes, but less often and with less "addictive" interest.

Another thing was giving myself permission to enjoy "lightness." You know, just being in the present with folks. Letting talk go anywhere. Not letting an inner mantra whataretheythinkingaboutME take over.

The main reason I now have a small group of wonderful friends is that I found them in the UU community (could be another). I hauled my anxiety-ridden quivering arse into those pews and took classes and did group things and did it for years. Eventually, it became real, as the center of my social world. And because it was based in love and good intention, though some people can be toxic anywhere, I found my way to folks I could trust with my real self. I had to endure my own insecurity until it changed.

And, it took a long, long time. For me, the deepest friendships have formed with those who've known some severe disappointments or losses, and who are open to thoughtful conclusions rather than racing away from their experiences.

Boy was this a looooong thing. Sorry.

Last thing I wanted to mention is -- you might be an introvert. Introverts have real needs that are different. But imo, since I have several introverted friends--it's important for Introverts to not "reject themselves" or allow their lives to be defined by isolation. Just do what social things bring you pleasure and remember that the whole culture, especially in the media, has taken extraversion to a manic, out of control excess -- so if you compare yourself to extroverts, you feel "less than."

You're not.

Maybe some quiet thoughtful classes, or other small group experiences, would be good ways to find FTF friends.

From She Who Often Thinks She Knows Way More Than She Actually Does But Enjoys the Illusion--

with love,
Hops

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---From She Who Often Thinks She Knows Way More Than She Actually Does But Enjoys the Illusion--
--- End quote ---

Well. It's not just you Hops. I think, after awhile, maybe we're allowed a moment or two of this. Experience, being what it is and all.

Good post.

Redhead Erin:
I have similar experiences of friends moving on, and in some cases I have been the one to move on and reject the friends.  I have a lot of private demons in the form of the messages I was given about friendship as a kid.  These are things like:

1.  People don't really like you; they just want to use your stuff
2.  when people make friendly gestures or offers to you, they don't really mean it
3.  People hate to help and you are being a burden when you ask
4. You should make friends with people who can do something for you or who have things that can benefit you. ("That girl has a nice pool.  You shoul dtry to get in her good graces.")
5. you should not let people know how dirty/weird/ icky/nasty you are or they wont like you.  If they know how you really are they wont like you.
6.  You can never talk about things that are bothering you--those are family secrets
7.  men are all after one thing and therefore cannot be your friends.
8.  touch is nearly always sexual. 
9.  you cant trust anyone
10.  Your girlfriends are all after your boyfriend

No wonder I don't do well with friendships. 

As for your experience with dating sites, I get a lot of the same thing.  I model pinup poses and play-boy style nudes for an amateur website. part of the game is being available on line for potential subscribers to contact you.  Even though I make it painfully clear that I am NOT available, I still get requests for sex, web cam, cyber sex, free nudie pics, etc ad nauseum.  When I say no, the men (who I have never met and who have no reason on earth to expect anything from me) become extremely angry, abusive, and downright weird.  The strangest thing they do is call me a slut after I refuse to sleep with them (Yeah asshole, I'll sleep with everyboby-----EXCEPT YOU!!) That one happens a lot!  One told me I was a terrible mother and should have my son taken away.  I had one on Facebook I had to block because he made such a pest of himself, repeatedly contacting me and telling me I should have cam sex with him because he wanted me to. No other reason. Whatev's.....sheesh!  :roll:  So yeah, there is a weird dynamic in men you meet on line.  Whatever you do, don't take it personally.

JustKathy:

--- Quote ---2.  when people make friendly gestures or offers to you, they don't really mean it
--- End quote ---

Wow Erin, your list was nearly identical to the things my NM told me about friendship as a child. I quoted #2 above because that one really impacted my relationships with men when I left home and started to date. Every time a guy told me I looked nice, I would get upset and tell them to stop teasing me. I had many failed relationships because the men could not deal with my insecurities. To this day, if someone pays me a compliment I immediately think that they don't mean it, or that they have an ulterior motive. I'm slowly becoming more confident with age, but some of that stuff will never completely leave me. That junk was drilled into our heads when were at our most vulnerable. It may get better, but I do think most of us will struggle with it in some capacity for life.

sKePTiKal:
This just popped into my head (so it might be irrelevant)... re: the friendship messages...

it's like we were given those messages so the N in our lives, could keep us right where they wanted us - friendless, dependent on them, isolated (and therefore available as scapegoats, whatever) - and always, always keep the N as the "the most" important person in our lives.

The few times I had friends before Twigs' SHTF day, my mom did everything she could do wreck the relationships and plant doubts in my head. And I might've scared a couple off, all by myself -- because the only relationship style I knew (me-mom) was to put myself into total emotional, volitional dependence on the other person. Mom even trashed my teachers, my neighbor who took a (healthier) interest in mothering me, etc. -- basically ANYONE who might help me gain some autonomy.

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page