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Author Topic: Why bygones can't be bygones  (Read 1542 times)

Redhead Erin

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Why bygones can't be bygones
« on: July 12, 2012, 11:43:19 AM »
Before we left on vacation, my I was talking to my husband about why I can't just let go of the past and let all the pain and problems slip away.  His answer:

"Because you are still dealing with it.  It's not over for you yet."

This makes me wonder, am I really going to have to deal with this stuff the rest of my life?  Will it never be over?

Even after she's dead, will her voice still be with me, making me feel less than, abnormal, and pathetic?
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gratitude28

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Re: Why bygones can't be bygones
« Reply #1 on: July 12, 2012, 09:30:53 PM »
I wonder the same sometimes. I feel like I am OK with everything and kind of "over it" most of the time. And every once in a while, NM is able to rope me in and piss me off. And occasionally I regret that I never had a real "mother." I worry about what I will feel like after my parents pass away. Will I feel guilt? My biggest worry is that I will always feel sad for my dad who, I feel, never was able to be honest and happy and at peace. I always wish I could "fix" his life. But he made his choices and I must realize that. I am not sure why his situation bothers me so deeply.
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Why bygones can't be bygones
« Reply #2 on: July 14, 2012, 08:01:33 AM »
Quote
This makes me wonder, am I really going to have to deal with this stuff the rest of my life?  Will it never be over?

Even after she's dead, will her voice still be with me, making me feel less than, abnormal, and pathetic?


You won't "have to" deal with it forever... but you will probably always be aware of it, when you're around it.
Her voice might still be with you, too...

BUT - it'll be HER voice and will have lost the magical ability to make you feel less than, abnormal, and pathetic...
BECAUSE it'll be HER voice - and nothing to do with you...

and it'll be an old boring story about your past - like a vaccination record or school transcript.

[LIKE: in the Wizard of Oz, the wicked witch's most memorable lines - "I'm melting, I'm melting" - fading away to silence.]
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SilverLining

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Re: Why bygones can't be bygones
« Reply #3 on: July 16, 2012, 11:59:28 AM »
It's a challenge, and I sometimes wonder if I'll ever recover from the FOO experience.   But I think the inner voices can be gradually disempowered with persistence and practice.  They may still be there, but they lose the ability to engage us and wreck our lives.  As PR suggests, they become the voice of something clearly apart from and other than us.   Then they are just echoes of something we experienced long ago,  with no validity in their harsh judgements. 

I heard a lecture once by a spiritual guru type, and his idea was to see these voices as something like gremlin visitors.  When they pop up we can learn to catch and dismiss them before we get emotionally involved.   
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Why bygones can't be bygones
« Reply #4 on: July 17, 2012, 08:16:40 AM »
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When they pop up we can learn to catch and dismiss them before we get emotionally involved.   

I'm sure everyone thinks about this differently -- for me, it's like when some depressing/ranting news channel comes on tv -- and I just change the channel.
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