Yup.
Yup and yup yup.
Yup, yup, ummm-hmmmm, yep-pers.
And Erin, you made me laugh. At my gender's expense but thank you.
Lighter I don't know about the energy thing, but do you suppose it has anything to do with me rumbling into useful chugging energy most when I am near those sparkly, twinkly, blinky, flashy Ns? That would be a rhetorical question. I think you're right. I think that I am uber-focused and uber-skillful and uber-alive around Ns (unless they're in active abusive mode, then it's despair) -- because I am so well wired to caretake them. AND, because on some level, I've always found them fascinating.
And PR you're right too. It's been soooo helpful to see over these years how Nboss is Nmom, but also is NOT. That was very well put and it is true. I have been thinking through a process very similar to what you described going through in your job.
Now that the two new young men have come on board, Nboss has begun to notice that THEY notice the dysfunction and toxicity coming from Production Man, and are disturbed by it. So because he can't bear for his OWN image to be sullied in their minds...AND because he's finally beginning to perceive Production Man as a threat to himself, believe it or not...he this week told him his behavior "in meetings" (subtext: toward me) had to change or his job was in jeopardy. I never thought that would happen. He called me for moral support before the meeting (he called all the senior staff) and told me he'd had heart palpitations at the prospect of another meeting with ProdMan. Of course ProdMan can't just take boss' job, but it was beginning to get to Nboss, so he's now doing something about it.
Even more amazing (though I am definitely not expecting real follow through). Nboss listened to me. I told him we could send all the white light we wanted to ProdMan's self to wish him healing for all the things that make him aggressive/destructive...but he ALSO really needs a psychologist. And Nboss who loathes the idea of therapy...asked me for T-names and is going to try to get ProdMan to do some counseling. What cracked me up though (Nbehavior crossed with guru-behavior) was when Nboss said, "And I am going with him to his first appointment so I can tell the therapist what I want.") I persuaded him that, ummm, you can't quite do that, and he'd need to make an initial appt. for himself, and then he could ask if a T he liked would be willing to see his employee if the employee was willing, etc. Who knows if that will go anywhere--I will be very unsurprised if it never happens--but it was a remarkable development.
And in one of those N-validates your experience for a moment--like the moment with my mother when she dropped all pretense and acknowledged my brother having "always hurt me"... This doesn't reach quite that level but Nboss looked at me and actually said, about ProdMan, "I'm sorry, you have been through a lot for the last 5+ years". The difference is, though I was grateful he said that, I didn't NEED him to. A few years back that would have meant everything. Now? Kind of, feh. I had already acknowledged my own experience, and had long since let go of any expectation that he could/would. I actually still enjoy my work (part of the time) and take some satisfaction in it. For non-Cinderella reasons. So the dynamic feels different.
I don't think it will ever be a "healthy workplace" but as I have gotten healthier my experience there is not as traumatic most days. Or when I'm upset I LET myself be upset. I don't feel paralysed. The two young men and I get along very well. But, long term, it'd be a very good idea to get out of there. So yes, PR, my plan is to get into my new home first because that is my focus now. But after that, I will probably be looking...just as a kind of sideline, always checking out other jobs. If I find the right thing I could do for another 10 years elsewhere, great. If not, I'll survive where I am...it'll be up and down and a grind, but I'd survive.
I am not feeling traumatized. What felt good here, especially knowing I had smart caring listeners to "vent at" -- was that when I vented and then went for a healing walk? I did. Good vent, very therapeutic, and likewise, good walk, very healing.
I have loved being able to talk about work stuff here, and I am very grateful to you all for commenting. THAT is very healing too.
love,
Hops
