Death of a N parent

[kat]

Just a question.  Have any of you experienced the death of an nparent?

Is there a feeling of guilt and shame after their death about angry feelings toward them.

My parents health is failing. . . and the one thing I really don't want to do is later get sucked into guilt and shame.

Just curious.

[bunny]

I thought my H wouldn't survive his mother's death since they were totally enmeshed. Guess what, he has survived it and seems happier now. Of course, he misses her but she can't abuse him anymore, which must be a relief. I think people have a lot of feelings about their parents, dead or alive.

bunny

[OnlyMe]

My NDad died this year.  In my heart, I know I did everything I could to please him, to try to earn his love, my entire life, but since learning about NPD a few years ago, I also know that he just didn't have it in him to give.  Because if that, I have had no feelings of guilt.  I could not have done more.

I have had two reactions in the past few months:
1) debilitating grief, and a bit of anger, at the fact that now he is dead, and my hopes of getting him to love me are gone  (but as we ACON's know, even if they live forever, things would not change).  The grief is fading with time.
2) tremendous relief, because now he cannot cause me any more pain.  That pain ended when he left this earth.

I still have NM to keep my life from getting dull

Hope my experience helps.

[les]

I understand your concern.  I worry that when my eldery NM dies that I will beat myself up because I wasn't more attentive and more of everything she wanted me to be. So to ensure that I don't do that I have been writing down what is happening with notes to my future self like,
"You handled this situation fairly. You have been giving as much as you can. Future self - you must not feel guilty, you did all you could and more than you should have."

I am mindful that the guilt could linger forever so I think it's a good idea to do a little work on it now.

Les

[OnlyMe]

Actually, Les, your idea of writing things is excellent, and I'll share what happened to me.

A couple of years ago, when I was just learning about NPD, I started to write while my nmother talked to me on the phone.  I wrote her words, as she talked.  At first, I did it as a distraction, and also as an acknowldegement and proof to myself that yes, in fact, she and Dad were both N's.  Anyhow, over time, I filled several journals with notes, writing as she spoke during our phonecalls, and also writing things that happened when we were together - some of the crazy and cruel things.  It was reassuring to write it out, because it proved that I am not the crazy one.

Well, a few weeks ago, when I was having a few boohoos about NDad's death, I flipped open one of those journals.  I read word for word some of the horrible things that he said to me. I read it, and I remembered that it was the Truth.  For instance, I had written that NDad had ripped a strip off me, because he didn't like my tone of voice ( I was trying to help them, and I guess I had my 'work' voice on, who knows), and he slammed doors, saying that my visiting him was the worst day of his life.....and then NM said to me "I'm so glad he has said that to you, because now you know what it is like living with him.  I'm so glad he did that to you."  
When I read that in my notes, my crying stopped instantly, for I realized that I no longer had anything to cry about, and certainly no guilt.

So, I'd like to suggest, generally, that it might help to jot down some of the really cruel, painful, hurtful stuff now, as it happens, while your Nparents are still alive, and date it - then, someday if and when you start to feel as though you could have done more for them, you can read your journals and KNOW that this abusive life really happened.    

Hope my experience might help.

It is a rough road we're travelling, but there is an end in sight.

[Anonymous]

interesting that my sibling & I talked about this topic the other day.  we confessed to each other that neither of us thought we would feel loss w/ the death of our parents, but in fact would be relieved.  we were rather sad at the admission, but felt some validation that we both felt the same.

[Discounted Girl]

Les, OM and all --- This writing things down is a wonderful idea -- notes for the future. You know how we look at papers and things now from our school days and get back in touch with how we were feeling then? Well, I would suppose the same will apply to us 20 years from now with what we write today.

I have started what I will call a "time-line," and a recap of events that took place and also specific remarks and deeds of malice. I know the Bible tells us not to be a keeper of records of wrong-doing, and truly that is not my intent. My intent is to be able to vent via the written word. It is an extension of the support I have received from this forum. You know, before my Dad died, I used to think that I would write him (not her, she has always been a lost cause) a letter and tell him so many things that I had in my heart. It seemed to be the only way to do it since I could not speak verbally to him of such matters. She was always there to butt in or twist my objectives. I am sure that many times she recapped conversations with me and slanted them with her lies, repeating them over and over and twisting his view of me. Well, with a letter, he could have read it over again and heard MY words, not her's. I always wanted to do that, never did, and now of course, it is too late.

But I am developing my time-line for myself and it develops with every post I make on here. I have often thought that the wealth of experience on this forum would make for a fine research project and now I find I am using my own experiences to make myself better.

OM -- the notetaking during phone calls is a true gem !!!! If only I had thought of that. Instead, I used to sit there like a wooden dummy on the phone with tears streaming down my face, praying that they would stop their cruel remarks to me. Blasts from out of nowhere just knocking me down over and over. While I did not write them down at the time, their (mostly her) viscious words burned into my memory cells, and truly, before my Dad passed away, I thought that my mind would explode from all the negative storage. Now, I feel like I am burning CD's and giving my poor brain a rest, sort of like using off-site storage.

Well, today is a weepy one for me,  kind of grieving for time lost and the way life could have been. It's not very smart to waste more, is it? Thanks to all of you for your wonderful support, insight and sharing. You make it better.  

[kat]

Wow. . . .thanks for the ideas.  I never thought about writing down things while they were on the phone for hours.  Usually, I just put the phone down and walked away for about 5 minutes.

Lately I've been keeping all the nasty letters I get.  Before then I kept the emails.

Only Me, it was nice to read that these journals and letters were helpful after their death.

[les]

Like you Only Me I have filled many journals.  A few years ago I thought I would journal my spiritual growth. Well, out came all this toxic black goo instead - notebooks of it. I had no idea really how burdened I was carrying around so much confusion and guilt.

 Which brings me to the other advantage of writing it out.  Not only are we helping our future selves and dealing with "anticipatory guilt" (how true) but we really are cleaning our mental/spiritual/emotional house. The act of writing tends to clarify, bringing new insights to the surface. Then, bonus, afterwards you can really just let it all go knowing it's written down - it's not necessary to roll it around in yourself all day and all night long. I used to be the storage depot. Now I put it in the journal,  hit "trash it" so  to speak and feel much lighter.

Really like the idea of writing as the Nm is talking.

Unbelievble, this guilt stuff - aniticpatory guilt! That's exactly what it is Seeker. And your comment about being a mind reader -the expectation that you should just know what's going on - like the behaviour of a  young child -reminds me of the "Now We are Six' -profile of N that was posted)

DG - yes, your intent is to liberate yourself, not to hold onto grudges. Loved the image of burining a few CD's and giving your brain a rest.

So kat and all - here's to putting this stuff elsewhere - not gone, it's there to help us in the future,  but now we can walk away with some peace.

Keep writing!

Les

[Carrie Anne]

For the past 10 years, I too, have journaled the shannigans of my N parents.  I did this at the urging of my husband who felt that I might need to reflect on these things in the future when the parents passed away.  My Dad died this past year and it has helped greatly to have the *proof* documented in real time to help assuage some of the guilt that I knew I would have.  This was a good gift that I gave to myself and I highly recommend it.

Carrie Anne

PS  OnlyMe..we have so much in common!

[Judith]

OnlyMe wrote:

So, I'd like to suggest, generally, that it might help to jot down some of the really cruel, painful, hurtful stuff now, as it happens, while your Nparents are still alive, and date it - then, someday if and when you start to feel as though you could have done more for them, you can read your journals and KNOW that this abusive life really happened.

APPLAUSE****  this is a wonderful idea. I'm going to do it.
Even tho my N father is still alive, sometimes I still cant believe
he can be so cruel, especially so offhandedly cruel. Im going to
write down all the slights, attacks and moments of criticism
so as to remind myself not to miss him when he leaves the planet.

As for guilt>>> it should be HIM that feels guilt at not loving anyone
not me. I feel proud that I love and loved him, my love was truly unconditional.

Peace
Judith