Quick moan

[Twoapenny]

Hi everyone,

Sorry, just want to have a quick bleurgh.  Going through pages and pages of records, mine and my son's, reading horrible things about me and my boy, claims made by my mother, by other people based on claims made by my mother, my younger sister (much more involved in all of this than I had realised), generally obnoxious people who seem to just like 'getting' people and people defending my step dad, who has had multiple affairs behind my mother's back and abused me right under her nose.  There are nice things in there as well and some examples of people who have seen my mum for what she is and refused to dance to her tune - thank goodness for them.  Also some who have, quite honestly, stated that they didn't know what was going on.  So good things as well, but so much hate and nastiness.  Bleurgh.  Sorry have not been on the board much lately - trying to get through this paperwork and get it shifted and moved away, away, away!  Ultimate goal is to scan everything so I can keep it all on USB sticks in case I need it in the future and then have a big bonfire - something a bit ceremonial and new beginning

Anyway, thank you for letting me bleurgh   Will hopefully be back soon saying it's finished and the solicitors are going through it.  Lots of love xxxx

[lighter]

((Tupp:))

I'm sorry you have to go through this.

Remember....

you're on your way out of it.

It won't last forever.

::sending light and engery to get this job over and done with::

Lighter

ps  I'll be there when it's time to light the bonfire, my dear : )

[Twoapenny]

Lol!  I'll have to arrange it properly so you guys can all be on-line and I'll update you with who's just gone up in flames

Thank you, Lighter.  I should be finished by the end of the weekend.  I'm almost there.  It's just that final push - I really hope this is the last time I am clearing up other people' s shit.  Whatever comes of it at least I will be able to say I've done my best   It's not too bad, there's just a million things I'd rather be doing than dealing, indirectly, with my mum and her problems that she won't deal with!  Hopefully no more after this.  Thank you for the light.  It really helps knowing you are all there xxxxx

[Redhead Erin]

Oh, what a mess!   Hang in there........(((Tup)))

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Erin!  Half way through now.  Bit more tonight and a couple of hours tomorrow morning and I think the worst will be done.  Will be a relief to get it finally finshed - it's really over shadowed my life for the last six or seven years.  But the end is in sight!  Thank you xx

[lighter]

Whatever comes of it at least I will be able to say I've done my best  

You're standing up, and advocating for youself, Tupp.

That's a wonderful thing to model for you son.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Dittoes.

I don't really quite grasp what exactly you're doing with the solicitor's help, Tupp, but I DO grasp it's brave and strengthening and is going to make you feel so much better in the end.

hugs

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Lighter and Hops

Hopsie, the situation is a bit complicated but I think something similar happened with your brother?  Sorry if I've misunderstood that situation, did he make a lot of false claims about you?  Basically, our situation is that my son's disability was blamed on my bad parenting and mental health issues, which means his disability went undiagnosed and untreated for an unacceptably long time.  The reason it was blamed on me was - yep, you guessed it - when I first got worried about him my mum decided the best way to help was to ring the health visitor (I don't know how systems work in the states but in the UK the health visitor is someone you go to if you're a bit worried but your child isn't actually ill, if that makes sense?  Advice and support, basically).

I didn't know this at the time, so my perception of events was that I was desperately worried about my son and the HV, doctor, paediatrician, nursery staff and speech therapists all treated me as if I were making a mountain out of a molehill.  This went on for several years and in amongst that social services took child protection action against me, claiming I was mentally ill and that my son wasn't developing as a result of that.  I fought and proved it wasn't true, but part of doing that was to access older records about myself and my son.  I'd get a set of papers through and there was all this stuff about earlier child protection issues, mental health problems, neglect and abuse, none of which was true, but the only way to prove it was by cross referencing different sets of records - in the Uk we have this mad system where everyone accumulates a huge file on you which no-one ever bothers to read or check up on.  I just kept finding more and more stuff and it was weird, because there had never been any child protection concerns about him, yet all this paperwork stated there had been.  Eventually the trail led back to my mum, and it transpired that when my son was little and I had a breakdown, my sister and mum (my son was living with my sister for three months when I was ill) tried on three occasions to stop my son coming back to me.  I didn't know anything about this, I've only found out by going through these old records.  They weren't successful, because the psychiatric team and the social workers knew me - they knew I was working really hard to get well, they knew I was very self aware (and therefore able to alert someone if my health was slipping again) and they knew that I loved my boy like mad and was doing everything I could to be a good mum.  So they didn't take any notice of them.  Then we moved house and everything was transferred to a new team, and that's when she struck - she went to people who didn't know us and told them that it had been established that my son's problems were down to neglect and abuse on my part and that there had been child protection issues, etc, etc.  That followed us for about five years - it was like a really macabre game of chinese whispers.  There's a mountain of paperwork that's just full of so much inaccurate information.  When I finally found out what had been going on so much made sense - you know how you do wonder if it is you that's a bit mad because what's going on around seems so odd but everyone else thinks it's okay?  It was like that for a really long time, but eventually I found out what had been happening and started getting things corrected.

So basically I'm at a stage now where there are soliicitors looking into a medical negligence case, because they feel my son's problems may have been caused by a brain injury sustained during the birth (I expect my mum would blame that on me as well ), but there also may be a case(s) against the agencies who accepted the information my mum gave them - the proper procedure is to check that sort of information out, so they should have contacted the previous team but they didn't.  There have also been instances where assessments haven't been carried out properly because they've used the information my mum gave them instead of getting accurate information from me, which has affected my son because they missed his disability!  At the minute I'm pulling it all together into one document to send to the sols to see if they think we have a legal case against any of them.  If we do, great, if not I'll at least have a complete account of what's happened which I can send to everyone involved so that our files are accurate.

What's been really important for me as well is that I'm finally getting to say my bit - finding my voice, as it were.  And that's been worth it's weight in gold, even though it's been (and is) really painful and really hard work.  But the end is in sight!  Hopefully by Monday the worst of it will be out of the way   It's actually really helped to just splurge all of that in one go in one place.  Thank you all for being there xxxxx

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

OH my...

at the very least, your lawyer (solicitor) should be able to ascertain a case for slander against your mom... malpractice/negligence in the agencies... but would you go through with it?

So many of us, have wished time & again, that we could at least appeal to some authoritative justice for the wrongs committed against us. But there is no documentation, no proof - like you have. In most cases, there isn't anything to build a case on... and most of the time, we put aside that natural right and wish for justice, because there's not a snowballs chance to even speak our piece about it.

Letting it go... is the only real option open to me, personally, for getting past it. And there are some advantages to that. I don't know what I would choose - if I were in your shoes. Good luck, sweetie with whatever you choose... but do weigh the possible positive results against potentially being re-traumatized in the process of opening up the old can of worms.

[Twoapenny]

Hey Phoenix,

It does still hurt when I read about it and it still bothers me.  I've been ploughing through it all for years now, every set of records I got through had more in it that needed sorting and sifiting through.  I don't want to take legal action against my mum - it wouldn't give me any satisfaction to do that, even though I've been told I have enough for a case against her.  But the other agencies - they have a duty of care to protect vulnerable people and that's why they're supposed to follow guidelines and adhere to the law.  I hear about this sort of thing a lot - not so much when a family member lies like my mum has but when parents of children with disabilities - especially things like autism, adhd and ME - are often told it's their fault their children are ill (or that they are imagining it) and the people invovled don't follow the proper procedures or give children the help and support they need.  So if there is a legal case against the agencies involved I'd like to pursue it - I think it would be good to highlight how badly disabled children are treated in the UK and how often this sort of thing goes on.  I also think it's one of those situations where it might help other people who are having similar things said and done to them but can't prove it - in the sense that sometimes things like that can raise a bit of awareness and make more people aware that there are mums out there (and other family members) who tell horrible lies and slander their adult children.  But I'm not focused on the outcome as such - for me the challenge has been putting together a document that puts everything right and puts my version of events - the truth! - down on paper.  It makes me cross, how dare she create a fictitious life for me and my son and have people respond to us in that way instead of dealing with reality?  It's that warped way her mind works - she has her own reality that everyone has to dance in, even though it doesn't actually exist - crazy making!

At the very least I'll be in a position - by tomorrow as I've nearly finished! - to send this document of corrections to every agency involved so that everything is factually accurate.  If the sols come back and say there's no legal case then that's my number two option, and it's a good one.  It's helped me prove to myself that she was wrong, you know?  I'm nearly there, I can feel the weight lifiting off my shoulders!  It's all good   Thank you xxx

Bonesie, I knew I could rely on a hug from you   Right back at ya ((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))  xx

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((Tupp)))))))))))))))))))))

I'm in your corner cheering for you!!!!!!!!

Bones

[Hopalong]

Tupp, you are an inspiration. Thank you for explaining all of that so succinctly. It must have taken quite an effort. I see it so much better, sort of all put together here. What I love about hearing this is that you have reclaimed the right to tell your OWN story and you have rejected slander/falsehood...and simple basic unfairness.

Good for you.

I really hear how huge it is for you to actually have authored your own narrative of your life, your illness and your recovery and your serious determination and love for your son. Regardless of whether correcting the record becomes "legally" successful, it already IS a huge success. Bravo!

I can't imagine how it felt to have your mother et al. conspiring to take him away. I know families often do that when someone has a mental breakdown, etc...but it seems so cruel to not support someone with all your might when they're trying so hard. And you didn't let it happen. You hung in there for him and for yourself. Your love for him and deep deep down, I believe, your respect for yourself--they were stronger.

Wow.

I imagine there is SO much peace for you ahead. I've started to feel mine, most days. But it was a long, bloody battle.
(And you're right. I really can relate because of what I went through with my brother. It was shattering to have a figure who SHOULD have been a protective or at least benevolent presence in my life--though he certainly never was--but to have him, in such a final way, reveal how utterly willing he was to destroy me... I get it.)

I loved and cared for my mother through extraordinary stress and without help, and near the end, when I was more exhausted and depleted than anyone could begin to grasp, the one person in the world who should have just stepped up to HELP...tried to run me over. Sounds like your mother did the very same thing to you.

And yet, here you are...writing your OWN narrative. Pretty stubborn. Thank god.


xxoo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

It's finished   Six years, approximately 1000 pages of records, numerous complaints and battles along the way, along with raising my son, dealing with all this 'N' stuff, the sexual abuse and just day to day stuff (there is always something that needs washing up!  Lol) and it's finally done, condensed to 120 pages of corrections and amendments, 80 pages of supporting evidence and MY VOICE   LOUD AND CLEAR, RUNNING RIGHT THROUGH IT   QUIET, MUM, WE'RE NOT LISTENING TO YOU ANYMORE

I feel so happy.

There are still admin bits to do - docs that need numbering, things that need to be scanned/photocopied/filed etc, a couple more letters that need to be written or responded to, but that's all little bits that I can do daily - an hour a day will be enough and none of it's vital, it's just crossing the t and dotting the i stuff.

Bonesie, thank you for the cheering   Hops, I thought I'd read similar stuff about you and your bro but could't remember the details.  You are spot on, she came for me when I was at my lowest point and went in for the kill.  I was fortunate to have good people round me at those times - friends and professionals.  Some people helped her - people like her, I presume, with the same sort of outlook.  But lots of people helped me too, and I didn't always see that at the time, although I do now.  Reading through it all, it's funny for me to see how, even four years ago, I felt that her way of seeing things was 'right' and everyone would think I was in the wrong.  Reading through it now, I can see how my perspective was utterly spot on and completely reasonable - even normal, although I think we all have different views on what that is!  And how her way of living is totally warped.  I've been reading through the stuff I've written about my own childhood.  On paper it's horrendous.  Back then it was just life, mum did what she did and we all did too.  Now I see problems with alcoholism, domestic violence, unstable relationships, infidelity, sexual abuse, emotional abuse, emotional neglect, physical abuse - written down like that it looks horrific and do you know what, it was.  My step father is a violent, manipulative, sexually aggressive alcoholic and my mum is so desperate to keep him on side that she blames everyone else for his behaviour and berates us for not putting up with it.

One of the other threads - I think it was Kathy's? - mentions telling the truth to family and friends and how good that feels.  I feel like I'm finally at the point where I can stand up and say "This is what happened.  This is the truth".  My mum's entitled to her point of view - but so am I and that's what I'm doing now.  legal action would be the icing on the cake but I'm really happy just to have my truth on paper, ready to be sent to anyone I feel needs to be aware of it.  It's like I've finally proved to myself that she was wrong and I didn't do anything wrong.  I can't tell you how good that feels   There's almost a book sitting right there - my next project is to re-decorate the house but come winter, I might just fill my evenings with seeing if I can put it into a book and get it published.  A project for the future.

I can't tell you how much you have all helped me, so many times in so many different ways - that goes for you, too, Dr G!  I remember when I first joined I was a bit scared to post because I was still afraid of getting it 'wrong' or people thinking bad things about me.  But you've all been so kind and thoughtful and been so patient and understanding.  Thank you so much.  I'm going to take my boy out for tea and cake!  Lol

[BonesMS]

YAY!!!!  (((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))  HOORAY!!!!!!!!   *Whistles, claps, jumps up and down, and cheers!*  You're winning your own Olympics!!!!!!!!   

Bones