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Propaganda and me freaking out - a little.

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Overcomer:
Hello Friends......Kelly here.  Ok, I'm freaking out.  I have had cancer for over three years now.  I've been through so much.  While I am trying to heal, I see a raw food chef who helps me learn new ways to eat, I also see an alternative doctor as well as oncologists etc.

I've always been a Christian.  Brainwashed so.  But during my illness I haven't felt close to God at all.  He seems silent to me.  This frustrates me.  As I've gone along I realize I am becoming extremely critical of my upbringing.  In fact, in religion at all.  The thought of organized religion is making me bitter and cynical.

I've been watching Netflix and tuning into several radical documentaries.  After watching several in the last few days, I am convinced there is a huge conspiracy against us all from the banking industry.  Also from Big Phrma and the FDA.  Everything seems corrupt.

I wonder if I am becoming paranoid.  I'm mad at my husband and want a divorce.  I'm mad at my nmom and just don't talk to her much.  I'm mad, mad, mad.  The insurance companies are fighting over me.  No one will cover my chemo.  Luckily a company called ACT is stepping in to get me the chemo I need.

I'm finding myself but in the wake of new realizations I am lost.  I don't know what is real and what is not...

lighter:
(((Kelly)))

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time..... it seems like you have more on your plate than one person should have to handle.

I'll be sending hopes (and a few prayers) your way for clarity and healing.

Lighter

Hopalong:
YOU are real.

All the rest is just...thoughts spinning.

IMO, it's okay to let go of beliefs or hold them very loosely.
My thought (which may not suit anybody else) is that if there is a divine or loving force, no matter what it's called, it's so far beyond human language and behavior that it does not matter what I "think" -- if it's real, it loves me anyway. I could sit there and spit nails and shriek atheist bumper stickers and murder people and I would be no less loved. (Not that I think we should do those things.) But if there is a great loving intelligence, it would not make one whit of difference. If there is a god, and god is ONLY love, then that's something I could trust that is bigger than my fear (or my training). (I do not believe it's "owned" or "explained" by any human text or story--and I don't believe human language can describe something like that.) So, I feel safe in agnosticism...it's declaring that I do not know (for me), not that I am busy feeling doubt.

I am willing not to know. I actually feel...open. Ready for wonders. Content to be too small to understand.

It's hard but you are not crazy -- you are reeling and that is probably appropriate!

love and comfort, and sending peace...
Hops

Izzy_*now*:
((Kelly))

I am with you on this... the conspiracies, the greed of the bankers, the hoax shootings, the deaths (murder) of people who know too much and all can be covered up....the fact that there really is a cure for cancer but big Phrma would lose trillions if the cure were known to the general public. Check You Yube for a molasses, baking soda and water cure and another of maple syrup. Should cancer happen to me I will try those and never allow one dime to go for the treatment to be put in someone else's pocket.

You are not being paranoid. There is a forum http://www.abovetopsecreet.com where some of the news is debunked for us, as MSM lies...it really does... and/or leaves out the truth. There are too many people working both sides of the fence... and with that I can go back the the Bush family which funded Germany and USA in WWII.

The moon landing was a hoax. That really upset me, cause I really believed but, both JFK assassination and 9-11, I spotted something in each that didn't ring true. That is how I have spent my last 3 years and 4 months, but the Amercans don't want an old Canadian's opinion.

I also wonder where God is-- like who is trying to kill me, God or Satan? And of the two which one is keeping me alive to endure this. I, like you, don't deserve this to happen to us when many horrible criminals, high falluting politicians get away with murder.

I know what feeling surreal is like-- it being me. I, first time ever, dropped a pot of hot soup on the kitchen floor. My left back and front wheels were in the mess and I have not a second chair (as the case isn't settled and they owe me a wheelchair). i just sat and stared at the mess and didn't believe it had happened, that somehow I would wake up and find this mess was a dream. It wasn't. I didn't even swear. I wheeled on through the mess to the paper towels and floor rags then cleaned it up, washed my wheels and carried on.

That is all I have done through all my life when just feeling things were not real, but just carried on with what I had left.

I think of you often and I do wish you well. 

Love
Izzy

Overcomer:
Ok, and here's another one to throw in the mix.  I hate men (no offense Doc......)  I don't think I am gay at all but I just don't like men.  I think they are all twisted and think backwards and don't have a clue.  I have never had a man who loved me dearly and I loved dearly back.  Maybe my sights are too high but I have had addict after addict after addict.  Maybe I pick wrong men.  But I just don't get it.  I don't know who I am anymore!

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