Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Propaganda and me freaking out - a little.

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sKePTiKal:
Kelly - do you sometimes feel like you've been asleep for long, long time and are just waking up?
This could be a good sign... that you are in the process of getting to know the real you.

Could be, anyway.

Overcomer:
Oh yes, I am going through so many things.  My upbringing has been set on it's side.  I confront people (even my nmom....)  She said something sarcastic to me the other day and I said, "Mom, why do you have to respond with such sarcasm."  I told her it was like a license to dis me.  She apologized.

I told her, "Dr. L says........"  and she said, "Well, then why don't you and Dr. L get together?????"  (snottily)  Dr. L is a woman.  She has told me to stand up for myself and not allow others to cross my boundaries.

I look up to two women right now.  Because of that I realize I relate to THEM!  I don't relate to men who only think about sex and getting their needs met.  But again, maybe I just haven't found a good man.  I don't think they are out there.

Ales2:
((((((((((((Hi Kelly))))))))))) 

So sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I can sense your struggle and glad you are here to express this to us. I think there are so many stories out there about how cancer has changed this persons life and they appreciate life more and while I think these things are true, albeit a bit cliche,  I think cancer affects our brain chemistry and can alter our perceptions.

I hear the cancer talking. I hear the cancer testing your faith and religious beliefs. I hear the cancer saying that the world around you is a corrupt, crazy, insane and unsafe place. And I hear the cancer saying that people can't be trusted and are backwards and twisted. I hear the cancer bringing new realizations, questioning everything and a sense of loss and disconnection.  I think whats happening is very normal and part of a recovery or rebirth. After having a paranoid or cynical view, its very possible  to emerge with newfound wisdom and perspective on things. I bet that difficult relationships will either go away or will be restored.  Its possible to discover who your best supporters are and establish revised relationships with those who are not or simply let them go.

Hang in there seems to trivialize your feelings, but maybe just relaxing and saying "so what" to anything that bothers you right now could be helpful. As in nothing matters now except that you feel good about yourself and focus your energies on getting well. Nothing else outside of you matters, you are most important and maybe thats what the cancer is telling you.

My thoughts are with you Kelly. All the best.

Overcomer:
Thanks for the responses.  Someone else said to me, "You are really growing."  Then I think I am thinking "outside the box."   I know that is cliche but I finally get it.  I was put in a box, expected to stay there and felt guilty if I got outside the box (prison.)  Now having cancer has opened my world.  My brain has been affected by chemo,. I know that.  I often struggle for the right words and there is a delay in my conversations at times. 

I know several things.  There are too many people in my life who have addictions.  If they get rid of one they replace it with another.  I told my husband, NO MORE DRINKING or I am done.  So what does he do?  Starts obsessing about sex ALL the time.  I have no ovaries, I am on chemo and my libido is nil.  So now if I have sex I feel used.  Raped sort of.  I don't want sex.  I want to be left alone.

I want to be left alone by my kids.  They ask me to babysit ALL the time.  I have no life of my own.  I babysit my grandkids too much!!

Oh, what else can I complain about?    Hahahahahaha

But I do see more clearly than I have EVER.  The light is on!!  I shake my head as I watch the dynamics in my family.  My Nmom is getting so taken advantage of my a couple od druggies in my family.  She is such an enabler.

Hopalong:
Hi (((((Kell))))--

How about going to a Zen retreat weekend or week?
Like at a Buddhist monastery?

Look up one that doesn't require that anything BE Buddhist
or know anything about meditation. Just, a retreat week like that.

Or even a Christian monastery retreat. But one that's not demanding
agreement or belief to participate. Where was it...Kentucky...where
Merton lived?

There are lots of them and I've known people to come back from
those so deeply helped.

love to you,
Hops

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