Propaganda and me freaking out - a little.

[Overcomer]

Hello Friends......Kelly here.  Ok, I'm freaking out.  I have had cancer for over three years now.  I've been through so much.  While I am trying to heal, I see a raw food chef who helps me learn new ways to eat, I also see an alternative doctor as well as oncologists etc.

I've always been a Christian.  Brainwashed so.  But during my illness I haven't felt close to God at all.  He seems silent to me.  This frustrates me.  As I've gone along I realize I am becoming extremely critical of my upbringing.  In fact, in religion at all.  The thought of organized religion is making me bitter and cynical.

I've been watching Netflix and tuning into several radical documentaries.  After watching several in the last few days, I am convinced there is a huge conspiracy against us all from the banking industry.  Also from Big Phrma and the FDA.  Everything seems corrupt.

I wonder if I am becoming paranoid.  I'm mad at my husband and want a divorce.  I'm mad at my nmom and just don't talk to her much.  I'm mad, mad, mad.  The insurance companies are fighting over me.  No one will cover my chemo.  Luckily a company called ACT is stepping in to get me the chemo I need.

I'm finding myself but in the wake of new realizations I am lost.  I don't know what is real and what is not...

[lighter]

(((Kelly)))

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time..... it seems like you have more on your plate than one person should have to handle.

I'll be sending hopes (and a few prayers) your way for clarity and healing.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

YOU are real.

All the rest is just...thoughts spinning.

IMO, it's okay to let go of beliefs or hold them very loosely.
My thought (which may not suit anybody else) is that if there is a divine or loving force, no matter what it's called, it's so far beyond human language and behavior that it does not matter what I "think" -- if it's real, it loves me anyway. I could sit there and spit nails and shriek atheist bumper stickers and murder people and I would be no less loved. (Not that I think we should do those things.) But if there is a great loving intelligence, it would not make one whit of difference. If there is a god, and god is ONLY love, then that's something I could trust that is bigger than my fear (or my training). (I do not believe it's "owned" or "explained" by any human text or story--and I don't believe human language can describe something like that.) So, I feel safe in agnosticism...it's declaring that I do not know (for me), not that I am busy feeling doubt.

I am willing not to know. I actually feel...open. Ready for wonders. Content to be too small to understand.

It's hard but you are not crazy -- you are reeling and that is probably appropriate!

love and comfort, and sending peace...
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

((Kelly))

I am with you on this... the conspiracies, the greed of the bankers, the hoax shootings, the deaths (murder) of people who know too much and all can be covered up....the fact that there really is a cure for cancer but big Phrma would lose trillions if the cure were known to the general public. Check You Yube for a molasses, baking soda and water cure and another of maple syrup. Should cancer happen to me I will try those and never allow one dime to go for the treatment to be put in someone else's pocket.

You are not being paranoid. There is a forum http://www.abovetopsecreet.com where some of the news is debunked for us, as MSM lies...it really does... and/or leaves out the truth. There are too many people working both sides of the fence... and with that I can go back the the Bush family which funded Germany and USA in WWII.

The moon landing was a hoax. That really upset me, cause I really believed but, both JFK assassination and 9-11, I spotted something in each that didn't ring true. That is how I have spent my last 3 years and 4 months, but the Amercans don't want an old Canadian's opinion.

I also wonder where God is-- like who is trying to kill me, God or Satan? And of the two which one is keeping me alive to endure this. I, like you, don't deserve this to happen to us when many horrible criminals, high falluting politicians get away with murder.

I know what feeling surreal is like-- it being me. I, first time ever, dropped a pot of hot soup on the kitchen floor. My left back and front wheels were in the mess and I have not a second chair (as the case isn't settled and they owe me a wheelchair). i just sat and stared at the mess and didn't believe it had happened, that somehow I would wake up and find this mess was a dream. It wasn't. I didn't even swear. I wheeled on through the mess to the paper towels and floor rags then cleaned it up, washed my wheels and carried on.

That is all I have done through all my life when just feeling things were not real, but just carried on with what I had left.

I think of you often and I do wish you well. 

Love
Izzy

[Overcomer]

Ok, and here's another one to throw in the mix.  I hate men (no offense Doc......)  I don't think I am gay at all but I just don't like men.  I think they are all twisted and think backwards and don't have a clue.  I have never had a man who loved me dearly and I loved dearly back.  Maybe my sights are too high but I have had addict after addict after addict.  Maybe I pick wrong men.  But I just don't get it.  I don't know who I am anymore!

[sKePTiKal]

Kelly - do you sometimes feel like you've been asleep for long, long time and are just waking up?
This could be a good sign... that you are in the process of getting to know the real you.

Could be, anyway.

[Overcomer]

Oh yes, I am going through so many things.  My upbringing has been set on it's side.  I confront people (even my nmom....)  She said something sarcastic to me the other day and I said, "Mom, why do you have to respond with such sarcasm."  I told her it was like a license to dis me.  She apologized.

I told her, "Dr. L says........"  and she said, "Well, then why don't you and Dr. L get together?????"  (snottily)  Dr. L is a woman.  She has told me to stand up for myself and not allow others to cross my boundaries.

I look up to two women right now.  Because of that I realize I relate to THEM!  I don't relate to men who only think about sex and getting their needs met.  But again, maybe I just haven't found a good man.  I don't think they are out there.

[Ales2]

((((((((((((Hi Kelly))))))))))) 

So sorry to hear you are having a rough time. I can sense your struggle and glad you are here to express this to us. I think there are so many stories out there about how cancer has changed this persons life and they appreciate life more and while I think these things are true, albeit a bit cliche,  I think cancer affects our brain chemistry and can alter our perceptions.

I hear the cancer talking. I hear the cancer testing your faith and religious beliefs. I hear the cancer saying that the world around you is a corrupt, crazy, insane and unsafe place. And I hear the cancer saying that people can't be trusted and are backwards and twisted. I hear the cancer bringing new realizations, questioning everything and a sense of loss and disconnection.  I think whats happening is very normal and part of a recovery or rebirth. After having a paranoid or cynical view, its very possible  to emerge with newfound wisdom and perspective on things. I bet that difficult relationships will either go away or will be restored.  Its possible to discover who your best supporters are and establish revised relationships with those who are not or simply let them go.

Hang in there seems to trivialize your feelings, but maybe just relaxing and saying "so what" to anything that bothers you right now could be helpful. As in nothing matters now except that you feel good about yourself and focus your energies on getting well. Nothing else outside of you matters, you are most important and maybe thats what the cancer is telling you.

My thoughts are with you Kelly. All the best.

[Overcomer]

Thanks for the responses.  Someone else said to me, "You are really growing."  Then I think I am thinking "outside the box."   I know that is cliche but I finally get it.  I was put in a box, expected to stay there and felt guilty if I got outside the box (prison.)  Now having cancer has opened my world.  My brain has been affected by chemo,. I know that.  I often struggle for the right words and there is a delay in my conversations at times. 

I know several things.  There are too many people in my life who have addictions.  If they get rid of one they replace it with another.  I told my husband, NO MORE DRINKING or I am done.  So what does he do?  Starts obsessing about sex ALL the time.  I have no ovaries, I am on chemo and my libido is nil.  So now if I have sex I feel used.  Raped sort of.  I don't want sex.  I want to be left alone.

I want to be left alone by my kids.  They ask me to babysit ALL the time.  I have no life of my own.  I babysit my grandkids too much!!

Oh, what else can I complain about?    Hahahahahaha

But I do see more clearly than I have EVER.  The light is on!!  I shake my head as I watch the dynamics in my family.  My Nmom is getting so taken advantage of my a couple od druggies in my family.  She is such an enabler.

[Hopalong]

Hi (((((Kell))))--

How about going to a Zen retreat weekend or week?
Like at a Buddhist monastery?

Look up one that doesn't require that anything BE Buddhist
or know anything about meditation. Just, a retreat week like that.

Or even a Christian monastery retreat. But one that's not demanding
agreement or belief to participate. Where was it...Kentucky...where
Merton lived?

There are lots of them and I've known people to come back from
those so deeply helped.

love to you,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Kelly,

I'm sorry to hear about your illness.  It took me a long time to find myself as I came out from under my mum's shadow.  I always went with the wrong men (usually addicts of one kind or another), people took advantage of me, I found it hard to say no, etc etc.  It took me a long time to balance, for a while I got really selfish, said no to everything, refused to help anybody, yelled at anyone who said or did anything I didn't like.  It took me time to get to a place where I can balance what I want with what other people want, say yes sometimes, say no sometimes, say maybe. 

There are so many good people out there.  And many, many kind, sweet, honest, hard working men.  I think, though, that we attract and are attracted to certain types that aren't necessarily good for us.  It took me a long time to get myself out of that cycle (and I swapped different kinds of addicts around, left a heroin addict to go out with a gambling addict, left him to go out with a dope smoker, left that one for a drinker - you get the picture).  But I do believe it's possible to change and attract good people.  I am attracting good men now, unfortunately I am still not attracted to them but I am working on it and enjoying friendships with good people.

I think be kind to yourself.  You are going through so much.  Tell your kids that they are welcome to visit but you can't babysit.  Tell your hubbie that you are too ill for sex but a cuddle is welcome (assuming that's the case!)  and you will tell him when that changes.  Carry on standing up to your mum!  Look after yourself well.  Be patient with yourself - I think all sorts of things these days but I've learnt not to act on things straight away now, I keep the thought in my mind and give it some time and eventually I can figure out whether it's one to keep or get rid of.  Light and love your way  ((((((((((((((((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Tup xx

[teartracks]

Hi Kelly,

Taking off on Hops idea...

I love this place, but haven't been to one of their retreats.  It's close to Chattanooga.
It is run by Adventist.  I'm not for or against Adventist, I believe in what they do in the medical health field.  I don't know if they evangelize or not, but I think if you weren't up for that, they would be accommodating. Last time I checked, it was more $ than I could cough up, but compared to strictly commercial retreats, it's very inexpensive. 

I believe they have a hospital on site as well.

For whatever it's worth.
 
http://www.wildwoodhealthretreat.org/

Love,

tt

[Overcomer]

Hey, I'm going to Europe on September 4.  London, Paris and Rome.  THAT's my retreat.

I've been seeing a vegan chef who is teaching me about good food choices, etc.  Today she asked me what was going on.  She said I looked more beautiful than I ever have (she clarified she was straight after she said it!!)  She commented that I was like a flower who was blooming.  Like a caterpillar in a cocoon.  She said she'd like to crack it open and let me out but we all know what happens to butterflies if they don't fight to get out - they die.  So I fight.  I grow.  I have questions I cannot answer.  I don't know which way is up.  I am heading for me and it doesn't make some people very comfortable!!  So what!!  It feels good to be ME, not the person my nmom wanted me to be.

I am a little abrupt.  I know I need to mellow myself.  Not always NO.  Not always YES.  Sometimes.  Maybe.  If I feel like it. 

I just wish I had more energy.  I could use that!!  Well, I am almost done with this round of chemo.  Then I get my two weeks off in Europe!!

[BonesMS]

Hey, I'm going to Europe on September 4.  London, Paris and Rome.  THAT's my retreat.

I've been seeing a vegan chef who is teaching me about good food choices, etc.  Today she asked me what was going on.  She said I looked more beautiful than I ever have (she clarified she was straight after she said it!!)  She commented that I was like a flower who was blooming.  Like a caterpillar in a cocoon.  She said she'd like to crack it open and let me out but we all know what happens to butterflies if they don't fight to get out - they die.  So I fight.  I grow.  I have questions I cannot answer.  I don't know which way is up.  I am heading for me and it doesn't make some people very comfortable!!  So what!!  It feels good to be ME, not the person my nmom wanted me to be.

I am a little abrupt.  I know I need to mellow myself.  Not always NO.  Not always YES.  Sometimes.  Maybe.  If I feel like it. 

I just wish I had more energy.  I could use that!!  Well, I am almost done with this round of chemo.  Then I get my two weeks off in Europe!!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Overcomer))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Wow.

That was the most EXTRAORDINARY post I have ever seen from you, Kelly!

Fab
u
lous

You ENJOY that trip with your beautiful butterfly self!

xxxooo

Hops