Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Sibling problems. . Was this the right thing to do?
Hopalong:
I feel like they're not entitled to me or the family D.H. and I are building. Just because NM pushed me into the world, doesn't mean she has the right to manipulate, use and terrorize me for as long as I live
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YES.
Trust this.
Trust your smart realization.
This is the awakening that frees people. From stupid, toxic, meaningless...yes. It's all correct. Destructive ties are stupid, toxic and meaningless.
YOU are no longer blindly, passively accepting what the culture says.
That is just completely wonderful, imo. And you will not be alone. There are people who really have questioned deeply enough -- various things if not FOOs -- that you WILL find Real Ears, who can hear you. Real Friends, who can support your Real Life.
So much good luck to you, and peace ... you have earned it and you are right to protect it.
love,
Hops
Twoapenny:
Kay, I just wanted to echo what Hops said about trusting how you feel and also quickly to touch on what you describe as your paranioa about your mum trying to damage you if you pull away. As Phoenix quite rightly points out this is fear, not paranioa and my mum did launch multiple assaults when I pulled away. She caused a lot of problems and did a lot of damage but ......... as hard as it was at the time (and still is sometimes), I learnt a lot about myself as I fought her off. I became stronger and, ironically, she actually proved that what I was saying about her was true by the things she did. I came out of it the other side smelling of roses and she looked like something very unpleasant. Even if your mum does try to sabotage things for you, it's still worth it to be able to be you, unchecked, unfettered and untainted. I find all that 'feel the fear and do it anyway' stuff a bit cringe worthy but it is very true - it's your life, do what your heart tells you and know that you are strong enough to deal with what comes your way. And you're not alone xxx
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote --- Even if your mum does try to sabotage things for you, it's still worth it to be able to be you, unchecked, unfettered and untainted. I find all that 'feel the fear and do it anyway' stuff a bit cringe worthy but it is very true - it's your life, do what your heart tells you and know that you are strong enough to deal with what comes your way.
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What Tupps said. True, true, true.
I'll just add, that there's no 100% guarantee that your fear about sabotage, mischief, or just plain evil unpleasantness will come true. Sometimes it does. Sometimes there's something closer to home, that distracts them... and you can simply walk on... until they realize you've been gone, for a while. And by that time - you've found that there is absolutely no way you'd ever betray your self again... for the sake of "the appearance of a relationship".
Because you KNOW that life isn't like that -- except within the sphere of an N... life outside that circle of hell --- is so wonderful you'll simply not choose ever to go back... even if you don't go completely NC. It's not a matter so much of physical proximity and actual contact that's the danger... NC, in that respect, is realizing that you are doing the driving from now on - not Nmom - not Sis... and they can yell "turn here" as much as they want -- you don't have to.
Ever again.
finding peace:
Hey KayZee,
Thanks for responding – no worries on any delay – I am the same way – so much in 3-d, it is hard to keep up with board life!
While I totally agree with hops, I would have one addition:
Instead of saying culture – I would put a spin on it as CULT/your. (Sounds the same; but totally different context, eh? At least in my family – it was a cult and it was my cult – though not by choice.)
And, in my experience, it is extremely difficult to walk away from the familial cult!
I hope this doesn’t offend – but, I stopped thinking of my parents as an M and F; to me they became the bio-donors or, my preference, the sperm donor and incubator – beyond that they were nothing but toxic.
I read your post, and strongly, so strongly, feel that I could respond line by line to what you wrote – it is so similar to what I went through….
While I want to respond to each line, I feel that more importantly, it is about the bottom line… may be that I am wrong – and apologize in advance..
Bottom line – to me…
You have an H, you have 2 toddlers, you are in your 3rd trimester of pregnancy, and you are working on a project that brings up bad memories (possibly PTSD?) all the while dealing with current (massive) dysfunction.
I can remember being there – there was so much negative energy, angst, guilt, worry (of course because of the way I was raised … I too was so worried about what others would think), along with the pain, rage….
All of that and I had 2 young children. At the time I didn’t realize, but I made an unconscious decision, that all of that negative energy that was impacting me impacted my real family – when I could take all that energy, and instead of being drawn into the quicksand of my family, I could take that energy, climb out of their quicksand that I was drowning in, and turn that energy toward my H and kids – and imagine them on a beautiful sandy beach having the time of their lives!
Instead of being drowned by their quicksand; I could build sandcastles, grab my kids by the arms and swing them in the surf. Cuddle with my H at a sunset.
Long story short – I had a lot of negative energy, I could choose to spend that energy in the toxic waste dump of my FOO, OR I could turn it from negative to positive and put that positive energy towards a beautiful time with my true family.
I chose my family – but it wasn’t easy.
You asked how I did it.
It took awhile.
At first it was e-mail only. At that time, I asked her for some space. She couldn’t do it, and yet I kept repeating, I need some space.
She backed off for a couple of weeks, and then started showing up at my house. I was lucky enough that when she showed up – for the most part (one time she actually walked into my house without my permission, and my girls ousted her) my H was there and very bluntly told her she was not welcome.
She tried to involve my in-laws (my family of choice) – but they were smart enough to be “Switzerland” to not get involved.
Every once in a while she tries to draw me back in, and I DO NOT RESPOND.
That is the key – DO NOT RESPOND.
Now, my incubator is so worried about what others’ will think – she has given up.
Your paranoia – is not paranoia – you know your incubator better than anyone – trust yourself!!!!!!
And she will do anything she can to draw you back into the quicksand.
Right here and now (and you may want a relationship later – but right now it is toxic). You need to take steps to protect you and yours.
I so wish I could wrap you in bubble wrap, where everything your family puts you through in the past or future …bounces off – that is how it should be – although it is not that easy is it?
I was pregnant 2x and with both pregnancies I had pre-eclampsia, I faced dying to bring my children into the word.
And you know what? At 13 and 9, while I almost died, they are the best little people that ever happened to me.
I learned, through them, that I would, never, ever, treat my child as I was treated – it was a huge wake up call. What my life should have been.
Now, towards paranoid tendencies – FULL STOP.
Trust yourself.
I wish Ta***(respecting her privacy) still posted here … her mother did exactly what you are afraid your incubator could possibly do. Her mother did.
If I were in your shoes – I would take that worry (energy) and find a way to make myself feel safe.
Invest in a state of the art security system so that she has no chance of kidnapping – in this day and age, it is smart to do this anyway. There are a lot of sickos out there – least of all your parents – state of the art security system will protect you from the sickos and your bio-donors.
I have a bank alert on my credit scores (it doesn’t cost a lot with most banks – and mine offers it for free); enlist this, and you will know as soon as she tries to use your SSI to create a card for her. The bank will alert you via e-mail and you can immediate dispute.
Given your fear (which you may feel is paranoia but I feel is grounded in reality)- I would request a restraining order – almost had to do this with my mom – but, when I threatened her with this she backed off (she didn’t want a paper trail that made her look like the bad guy … :rolling eyes:, but counted on it.)
In order to walk away from my mother, I had to understand her triggers, and use those against her. Sounds awful, but ultimately it worked. She has finally left me alone.
Love to you KZ – you deserve it. ((((((KayZee)))))))
Peace
JustKathy:
Hi Kay,
I haven't had a chance to read the entire thread, but I'll echo what many others have said in "I relate." I've also had to make hard decisions regarding my own sister and accepting the limitations of what kind of relationship I can have with her. In my family, I'm the scapegoat, my brother the GC, with my sister being stuck in the middle without a "role." She's lost, and has allowed herself to be completely manipulated my NM. I sense that she's a very unhappy person, and doesn't want to be NM's puppet, but she seems lost without NM to tell her how to run her life, so she continues to go along with it. There have been times when the life came back into her eyes, and she would actually stand up for herself, but just when I thought there was hope, she would spin right around and run to NM's defense again.
Like you, my sister would also ignore emails and phone calls from me unless she needed something (or NM needed something and was using her as her mouthpiece). One time when I tried to contact her to no avail, she actually sent an email telling me, "Mom says I'm not allowed to speak to you." (This coming from a woman in her 40s). Still, I always held onto hope that she would one day wake up and that we could have a normal relationship. I was wrong. A few years ago she actually replied to one of my emails, so I took the opportunity to tell her how I felt about everything. BIG mistake. I opened up to her and shared my true feelings, and she ran straight to NM with it and they sat around gossiping about it. She replied to me, but I quickly realized that her emails were being dictated by NM. It was obvious by the use of NM's signature vocabulary words and phrases that S was being told what to say. At that point I realized that she was a lost cause, and that there would never be any relationship beyond yearly Christmas cards.
I agree with the others that you absolutely did the right thing in this case. Don't put your own career at risk to help someone who is only taking advantage. I used to work in the entertainment industry, including several years working for talent agencies, and I've been burned more than once by doing a favor for a friend, passing along a head shot, only to have that person wash their hands of me when they didn't get signed and become an overnight sensation. I still have people who ask me to call in favors to people I know in the business, and I won't do it. It's rarely appreciated when it's a friend, but when it's family, and that family member is an N, OMG. No, their brains don't function on the same level as ours. They don't see that kind of offer as the very generous favor that it is. To them, it's expected, not just once, but whenever they ask for it. They are entitled to it, you owe it to them, period. And no matter how hard you to try to explain your side of it, or how you put your career and reputation at risk for them, they won't hear it because they they don't care. As scapegoat children we are expected to give and give and give and receive nothing in return, not even the words "thank you." They don't comprehend on any level that they're acting out of order. We're here to serve them. Period.
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