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Sibling problems. . Was this the right thing to do?

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Hopalong:
I think you handled this situation absolutely perfectly, ((((KZ)))).

You set an appropriate adult boundary with her that essentially meant
that you would not be used as a tool, or professionally embarrassed, and
that placed the responsibility for her "project" back in her own lap where it
belonged. That was awesome.

Then you named the hurt, the pain, the sorrow and rejection you feel,
and brought it here, where hearts do understand how your felt so UNvalued and UNloved
when your sister, after 4 years !! --- only contacted you to "network."

Oh how sad that is.

But with her, in the present, you did it perfectly.

As for the grief ... I think you are managing that with great maturity and truthfulness
too.

I'm sorry, KZ. I wish I had a sister. Like you.

xo
Hops

KayZee:
Thank you so much, Tup.


--- Quote ---the author compares it to expecting a pre school child to understand a book written for an adult.  Their brains just aren't ready for it and can't process the information, so you can read them the book a thousand times and it still won't make sense.  The N parent (or sibling/whoever) is in a similar situation - they just can't understand how you feel, no matter how hard you try to explain it.  Think of it as a kind of injury to the brain that stops that understanding being there.
--- End quote ---

This is an amazing and truly helpful analogy.  I want to, like, write it on a stickie note and keep it in a very prominent place as a reminder to myself.  I really appreciate the encouragement.  And I'm so inspired by the way you've come to accept FOOs limitations. 

It's the kind of healing work that's hard because it seems to require being in two frames of mind at once: On the one hand, I feel like I'm trying to work on some intimacy and social anxiety issues; you know, put myself out there more, use my voice, communicate my feelings to people (excluding FOO).  And on the other, I feel like I'm trying to build up emotional barriers between me and FOO; you know, be less forthcoming with NM and co-N family who will only narrow in on my weak points like snipers.  Blah...

Anyway, you all are amazing as always.  I'm so glad to have a community (you) that understands and relates.
Kay x

KayZee:
(((t.t.)))

It's encouraging to know it gets better.  I'm so sorry you're in a similar situation with your sister.  It's mind-boggling to me that a parent would poison a relationship between sisters.  And it still amazes me the way siblings can grow up in the same environment, yet have completely different parents.

In writing this I realized, I have a lot of healing work to do where my sister and dad are concerned.  For some reason it's harder to give up my expectations of them.  I guess I feel like NM doesn't have a choice (her brain is broken, making her selfish and malicious).  But I feel like my sister and dad have souls, and they could break the cycle of abuse if only they could wake up from the evil spell NM has cast on them, if only they cared a little bit less about sparing themselves from her wrath and just accepted that she'll be unhappy and vengeful no matter what they do.

But you can't make people change.  And my sister had things arguably worse than I did.  I had the "luxury" of being the scapegoat--and I'm not even being sarcastic, that allowed me a small glimmer of will and self--whereas my GC sis had to fully vacate her spirit and body and surrender to MOM. 

You're absolutely right.. . I can have empathy with my sister and love her at a distance.  But I need to work on accepting that my mother is more of a sister to my sister.  And that's the way they both want it.

KayZee:
Thank you P.R.!


--- Quote ---Because even if you can get your brain around the above -- we still have the feelings, the instantaneous reactions, the deep down embedded yearning to stay "hooked" into this sham-form of a "relationship" with these people. It's the only form of relationship we're allowed.
--- End quote ---

I think I just needed to hear permission that it's okay to do the sham-relationship thing: to set boundaries, but otherwise keep my emotional self to myself where FOO is concerned.  I do this with NM, but haven't yet learned or accepted that I needed to do it with my sister and father too.

So much of my experience in therapy had to do with the therapist urging me to be authentic/assertive about my feelings and communicate them to others (I don't think the therapist suspected that I was from a narc family and I didn't then either), so sometimes I feel like I'm failing or regressing when I don't share.  But you're right, I don't think my sister would have heard or respected my feelings.  And besides, that doesn't matter.  All that matters is I really feel, and experience, and heal them on my own.  That's my work.  And she wouldn't have been able to help me with that anyway.

I'm feeling a little more clear-headed about it today.  And, yes, it's most certainly not the last time FOO will make me feel objectified and used.  Terminator robots is so spot on!

I think I need to accept the problem isn't just my NM.  Although it may have started with her, my whole family is now behaving like Ns and I need/want to relate to them all in the same self-protective way I relate to Her.  Of course, that brings up feelings of abandonment and family-less-ness.  But I need to work through that on my own.  That's my own healing work.  FOO certainly isn't going to be there to lend an ear or a helping hand.

sKePTiKal:
That's an interesting observation Kay - that now the rest of the FOO is acting like NM. Guess they feel their status depends on it, huh? Or maybe it's unconscious -- simply what they're used to, their comfort zone -- and they haven't given it a second's thought. In my FOO there was additionally, a clear choice between "value systems"... that were overly linked to "behavior systems". Of course, one was demonized, made the scapegoat... and the other's was always "right" and "perfect".

Over the years, my mom hasn't changed a bit... except maybe it's harder to tell what's her delusions and what's cognitive decline. She'll be 80 in a few months. My brother is the same way... and he is actually the more dangerous of the two to navigate for me. Sometimes, in dysfunctional FOOs, sibs will form an alliance - which we did. Temporarily. I went out of my way to try to help him with the results of our shared trauma -- the way it affected him was different than what I went through. I mentored/mothered him to a pretty stable network of life support outside of the family -- friends, sports, school. He doesn't remember any of that. When he also turned on me - played the scapegoat game - that was kinda the last straw for me.

Now, his wife is in the scapegoat position. Both mom & bro think she's the "crazy" one -- and have even helped disrupt her relationship with her mom. Of course - she's stressed to the limit and actually feels crazy herself, poor thing. We communicate in relative secret. She really needs simple validation of what's going on - the gaslighting, being the outsider in the family, and the constant boundary intrusions and violations that go on. But mom has so much control -- or tries to have -- so much control over bro, SIL, and grandkids -- that bro simply has designed his life so that he doesn't have to live there. NM can be so negative -- that no one wants to be there much at all. Another generation that regards "home" as dangerous and uncomfortable... sigh.

What will be interesting - is what happens when Nmom dies; assuming of course, that bro outlives her: he's in a typical avoidance workaholic ratrace and has already had a heart attack, stents, and refuses to slow down. (Denial is a powerful trait in our FOO... I'm constantly watching myself to make sure I'm not falling into the same pattern -- sometimes I do -- and bless you guys! you put me on the right track again.)

So, I guess you'd say I'm "LC" with all of them. It's easy for SIL to trigger me - after all, that was my life experience for so long. Bro and I must work together in the business -- and it's a constant struggle, with his P-A, denial, now memory issues... and his refusal to participate in a slightly more involved fashion. I no longer feel obligated to point the behaviors out; to protest how he treats people, including me. It's kinda obvious to everyone that he's got strange issues. Mom gives me nothing -- it's always a me to her interaction, unless I even deny her that. I'm a professional "uh-huh er" now. I went through a phase where I would make some positive suggestions (to counter her total negative perception)... but those hit a brick wall.

Maybe one of my biggest revelations, was finally figuring out that my FOO's definition and picture of "who I am" and "how I am" was just as subject to the mental illness or PD or dysfunctional games - whatever - that they depend on to exist... and "who I know I am" and what other people feed back to me, as "how I am"... are world's apart. Being able to separate my own "definitions" from theirs... helped SOOOO much with my level of emotional pain. Sure it still hurts -- but my world's no longer shaken or threatened or in danger -- because of their warped ideas of me. I've processed so much cognitive dissonance in the last 5 years... and that's been so beneficial... it feels kinda like a vitamin or a vaccine!

LOL!!

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