Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I will never find f***ing peace
lighter:
Yup yup yup....
Al-Anon, FP.
You've carried so much, for so long.
Some of the burden isn't yours to carry, and I find myself wondering why you, so wise when viewing the problems of others here this board, can't see what's plain to us.
You can't save people from themselves. It's impossible.
You must save yourself, even if you don't know how, you must learn.
Even it if breaks your heart and rips you in two, you find a way, begin to mend, and become stronger..... to show your children how to do it.
What do you or your husband, or your children gain from the hours of arguing every night?
You're trying to "help" your husband take responsibility, when his goal is to continuing shifting blame onto your shoulders.
Shoulders strong enough to carry it.
Shoulders used to carrying it.
Why? It's not yours to carry.... time to learn what's yours and what's his.
Time top step back.
Bow out.
Allow your h to take the responsibility of his actions, bc you've layed them at his feet, silently, without argument that he must pick it up.
Or not.
You didn't cause his sickness.
You won't be the person who convinces him to change, or begin fixing it.
You're more than willing to take responsibility, but it's time to wisely assess what part is yours......
and what part belongs to your h.
Yes, it will harm your children if your h can't find the strength and will to grow through his alcoholism and get better, but it's not good for them to watch you carrying this man, arguing uselessly with him, saving him from certain destruction while he blames you, and stand for it. Better for him to find his precipice himself and either turn away or jump, but you carrying him off that precipice, over and over again, is prolonging what must come sooner or later.
Maybe it's time to go, FP? Take your children to a place with peace, and calm, and give them the stability all children need, away from the crazy?
What do you want your children to learn about adult man/woman relationships that they can't learn from watching their parents locked in this terrible dance of addiction, co-dependance, and emotional turmoil without relief?
I think you will find powerful relief in accepting the truth of your situation.....
your husband is sick, and you didn't cause that, and you can't fix that.
He's got to do it for himself, and all the writhing, and trying and carrying of this man is only putting off the envitable choices everyone eventually has to make for themselves.
(((((FP)))))
I have to admit I'm a little relieved that you're physically healthy, and have your IL's help in this...... I was afraid of so many things for you when I read your first post.
Perhaps it's time to hand your h over to the IL's and step back in peace with your children?
How old are your children, FP? Maybe you and your children can go to Al-Anon, there are different groups, and find relief together?
Lighter
Hopalong:
(((((((FP)))))))))
It was so good to read you say, "I am done."
For the rest, I echo Alanon, and all that Lighter said.
You cannot "be right" or "win an argument" with a blaming alcoholic.
"Dry" or "wet" -- the blaming game means the illness is nowhere near cured.
But you can sacrifice your very life, and your children's possibility for a mentally healthy future...by trying to win.
I also suggest talking to a women's shelter. You have not described extreme violence and I don't fear
that for you. But I think you are not recognizing what is abuse (in the sense that abusive behavior,
no matter what the cause of it....means--you're done.)
Done, as in ready to take action for your own life, and your children's.
with love, courage...
Hops
Twoapenny:
Oh Peace. It's very common for alcoholics - or drug addicts, or gamblers, or any other category of people with problems - to blame those closest to them for the things that go wrong and to fail/refuse to see that anything is their fault or their responsibility. Your situation sounds terrible - it's not a pity party so please don't think of yourself in that way. You mention leaving - can you do that? Can you take the kids and go? Or get some sort of order put in place where he has to leave and you and the kids can stay? I don't know how it all works where you are (I'm assuming your in the States?). I know in the UK those are options. But please don't blame yourself for any of this. You sound like you need head space to get yourself clear. Keep posting. People on here care about you.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Finding Peace)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
BonesMS:
((((((((((((((((((((((((((Finding Peace)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
sKePTiKal:
Peace, hon...
we ain't goin' anywhere! Be right here when you have time. You just take care of you & kiddos right now...
and we'll send ya a bouquet of white light support and prayers and hope that comfort starts to envelope you with rest.
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