Ahhhh, Peace.
It must be excruciating to live in this terrible space.....
a good friend of mine calls it the abyss.
You can't go back, all comfort and safety have gone.
Going forward? Well.........
that's only an idea right now, and so dreadful painful to contemplate, you're sure you won't survive, but forward you must go, Peace.
It won't really kill you, and it leads to the other side of the abyss. It leads to solace, and serenity, so know you're on your way, even though it's hard to hold in your mind for long. Remember it.
Right now all you can do is teach your children how to survive these things.....
You get them back into as normal routine as you can..... homework, dinner, baths, teeth.
Clean night clothes for everyone, to bed on time, and perhaps a new bedtime ritual..... something that fills the space where your husband used to be, and offers comfort to you all.
Quiet talks about the fears, the the hopes and the needs you all share.
What each of you would like to happen, and what you'll do if it doesn't.
What are their worst fears? Right now they're likely focused on you with their anger and pain, but (I'm so sorry about that) I think you're a safe place to put their blame and anger, bc you've always been the strong one. The safe one. The one they know can take it. What will they have to say after their anger is spent, and acknowledged, and there's room for what comes next? (I assume we're talking about tweens and teens here?)
Perhaps it's time to take the shadows out of the closet, look them over, and see what's there? You can help your children navigate out of this painful place, along with yourself, but I'm thinking members of Al-Anon have been there, done that, and will have loads of good advice to get you through this process with economy of motion.
Self care, FP.
Where are those comfy jammies you used to love to wear in the fall? Can you find them, honor them and make them crisp and fresh and lay them out for this evening's snuggled chats with your children? Sluff in the shower tonight. Work on those callused feet, maybe paint your toes and apricot scrub your face before tucking your children in tonight or whenever you feel strong enough to sit quietly through the hard questions/statements and simply validate those hard feelings. Not respond. Just listen, and slow talk back. Validate so your children can move past the anger.
Are you able to talk to them, FP?
It's so hard for children to think of us as human beings, with feeling and needs...... esp when they've seen their one strong parent hold everything together, without asking for help, for so long. I don't think they know, and maybe it's our job to tell them, but we owe it to them to show them it's OK to ask for help. To accept help...... we can't do everything all by ourselves.... we learned that the hard way, and ya, we failed. We didn't save everyone from everything, and it wasn't for lack of trying. Now, what can we teach? To ask for help, and to be patient and kind and appropriate.
That's a pretty tall order when you're struggling just to keep up with the business of day to day survival.
At some point you'll have an opportunity to explain how you feel to your children, but without blaming anyone else. When your children are asking questions, then you can tell them about you, and how you've been getting through these past years. They don't know, and they haven't had any choices in this, while you and your h have. They need to get all the hurt out, and aren't they lucky to have such a wise, wonderful mother to guide them through this?
Yes, your face is pressed up against the glass, but that won't last forever, FP.
Honestly, getting Al-Anon's help in this will likely give you lots of helpful information going forward, and help you gain perspective more quickly.
You're going to be OK, and so will your children.
There's no going back, only forward.
In the meantime, I picture my friend, FP, in clean sheets chatting with her children about their reality (dim lights, not too much reality please!) understanding that everything will be OK. There are things that must be done, self care chief among them, and the terrible truth............
facing our fears is the only way to banish them for good.
Lighter
ps I've been having such a wonderful time reconnecting with my oldest child, who's been going through a normal middle school disconnect, but so painful nonetheless for me. This morning she put her head on my chest, and chatted easily, calmly, happily, about herself, her class and some of her fears. My oldest loves it when I smell like lavender. She'll remember these times, I know she will, and I make sure my hands are always clean and smell of lavender when I touch her at bedtime and when I Wake her up. Mindful small things help me be present with my children. Rituals help create space to share and feel safe.... to bring us closer. That's what I strive for, FP. You are your childrens' safe place. What will that look like over the next month? 6 months? Year? Maybe it's time to create a new ritual for yourselves..... Something to add strength and support you all, whatever that looks like?
