Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
I will never find f***ing peace
Twoapenny:
Hi Peace,
Something that I struggled to get my head around for a long time is that allowing people to hurt you doesn't help them. It means they can keep avoiding dealing with whatever is causing them the pain and instead focus on dishing out to others. I don't mean that in a harsh way; I truly believe people who do unkind things have usually been treated very badly themselves and don't know another way. If no-one stops them, they never learn a different way.
From what you've written it sounds as if your hubbie would be happier, healthier, stronger if he stopped drinking - and perhaps the drink is how he copes with his pain? If he's going to stop drinking he will need to find another way to deal with his hurt. And it will hurt, it will rip him to pieces if he's going through anything like the things most of us have been through, but when he comes out the other side his life will be so much fuller, so much more enriched.
You can be supportive without putting up with abuse. You can make it clear to him that it's certain aspects of his behaviour that you are rejecting, not him as a person. You can remind him of the good things in him, you can tell him how thankfull you are that you have your beautiful children (if you feel any of that is appropriate). But we all need lines in the sand, and we need other people to respect them - particularly for those of us who find drawing those lines difficult.
And I do feel that we re-live experiences - I think it's how we learn our lessons. And we do learn eventually. Of course you feel sad. Feeling sad is okay. You're in pain too, don't forget that. My mum's horrendous childhood - and it was horrendous, there's no two ways about that - was what kept me at her side for years. I knew how badly she'd been hurt and I used that to excuse what she did to us. It does make it understandable, from an intellectual point of view - but it doesn't make it acceptable.
You are both hurting. It's a time to look after all of you - and sometimes that does mean being apart. Hold on to yourself, minute by minute - you'll get there (((((((((((((((((Finding Peace)))))))))))))))))))))))))))
lighter:
FP:
When I read "I asked him to leave, for good" I thought......
well..... she's asked him to remove himself in his present state for the good of the family AND to motivate him to get the help he truly needs, which seems wise and makes the most sense of anything she could be doing right now. Perhaps it will be the motivating factor for him to take a good hard look at himself, and get the help he truly needs.
You didn't ask him to leave when he was drinking, you did it when he was sober and acting out in his dry drunk phase, which everyone is hoping will lead to the next phase........
getting truly sober, and living with sobriety.
It's OK to love your husband in the way you need to love him, right now. Even if it's not the way he wants you to care for him, that;s OK.
Putting distance between you, him and the children means you get to work on you, and he gets to work on him.
It means a safety zone for the children to live in has been established, Peace.
All these things are necessary, and it doesn't mean you've desserted him, or turned your back on his pain.
It means you're both responsible for yourselves, and that you can't fix this for him.
You can't. Accept that. It's a fact. His pain is with him, and it's not you who caused it, and it won't be you who fixes it.
He's going to have to dig deep, and find it in himself to do it for himself, without you there catching, and propping and taking responsibility......
you've done the kindest thing for him that you possibly can under the circumstances.....
you're taking care of yourself and the children.
THAT is all you can do at this time, as hard as it is.
Please do your best, and remember that your husband just might have needed to be put out of the house as a wake up call, he otherwise would not have gotten.
He just might decide he doesn't like the way things are going, and DO something about it.
THAT's the goal here, but that's HIS goal.
What is your goal, in this moment, FP?
You must forgive yourself, be gentle and put your mind into self care rituals, even though you don't feel like it or understand where it's going.
It leads to feeling better, and one good feeling leads to another, IME.
You are going to get through this, things will be OK, even if they're not OK, and your children are learning from you every day.
What will you teach them, FP?
Go out into your yard when you're at your wits end. Wiggle your toes in the cool fall grass. Breath the air and write a list of things you'll do every day, for yourself and your children, that will bring order and feelings of safety back into your lives.
Simple things like this will help, IME.
Do you have a journal? RIGHT NOW is the time to get it out and scream your thoughts into it. Read it, then write again. Read and write. Read. Write.
It will help you understand exactly exactly what about this is hurting so much. You can internalize it, understand it, and deal with it more logically, IME. You can discuss it without becoming overwhelmed, and shutting down.
In the meantime, what do your days look like? (rhetorical) What do you want them to look like? You're teaching every day..... what do you want your children to learn from this?
Lighter
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---He is not a bad person, he has had a tremendous amount of pain to deal with throughout his life. More than most will ever have to experience, just like me.
I think I get it (with all of your help), that I have to draw lines in the sand.
But, just like me, he has also had a very painful life.
Where do I draw the line?
How do I desert someone that is causing me pain, because, etc.
--- End quote ---
I believe you, all of it. People can love people who are in pain and become abusive to express that pain. What I believe is that you will give him an opportunity to save himself if you remove yourself as the whipping post for his lashing out. I'm sorry he's in pain too, but he is a grown human who must decide for himself whether he wants to live and be whole enough to commit to sobriety and completely abandon abuse.
Until then, you must abandon him in order to give him the gift of experiencing his own consequences (because that's the only hope he has). It's not being "mean." It's being deeply adult enough to have respect for the fact that there are forces going on in his life that DO NOT LEAVE ROOM for a healthy relationship with spouse OR child...and given the tenor of the relationship, how toxic and destructive it became (for everyone) -- the adult who has the strength of character to put an end to that sick cycle...is the adult who WILL find peace.
And of course you wish the same for him. But meanwhile it is not uncaring to move on to a better life for yourself and your children. You are grieving, but grief by its nature knows how to eventually pass. And when it does, you will be in spring. And you will be relaxed, and thinking with hope and anticipation about things that aren't even yet in your mind.
Please try to remember that loving yourself enough to take this important step (and not go back) is your first responsibility. To yourself, and to your children.
love
Hops
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: finding peace on September 22, 2012, 10:31:29 PM ---I am not playing this cat and mouse (me) game with him anymore.
No more.
It is done.
My emotions are all over the place – it feels like a ping pong ball is ricocheting around my brain until I am too muddled to think clearly – not a good sign. I go back and forth from what is comfortable and known, to what will be completely different.
That is sad. I want the comfort of what I know (which is not healthy for any of us because it leads to pain and dysfunction for all of us), to the unknown; jumping off into the unknown scares me.
Bonsey – your 0.02 is worth 2 million, thank you. I went to the website and wow – you know your stuff and are spot-on! 3c’s – beautiful.
Hops, teartracks, as always … you have a huge piece of my heart! Thank you so much for the support.
Two a penny – thank you so much for your sane, calm, voice; it has helped that ping pong ball slow down – thank you!
Lighter – as always – you have had more than most should ever have to endure – and yet, you are the calming voice (that reminds me – no joke – of the scent of lavender – I grow my own and dry it). Thanks for pitching in for me – sending you light too – wish I could do more to help your never-ending nightmare. It will end – you are so strong.
Ales2 – Thank you – a lot, your post means a lot to me – thank you.
Phoenix – can I share your name – thank you so, so, so much for your support – it helps me find my backbone. I am not backing down this time – no more of that, it is what enabled him in the first place.
I am not blameless – I am not – but neither is he, until he recognizes his part in the madness, we cannot be.
Love you all and cannot thank you enough – I never had this level of support at any time when I was a child – I am not sure I know how to handle it, except to say thank you.
--- End quote ---
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Finding Peace))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
lighter:
FP:
What Hops said :shock:
She has a way of distilling down, to clearest, most vivid truth, what I wish I could have said, but failed, in ten times the words.
I love the image of your tending lavender, FP....
tying neat little bundles to dry in your window box.
The familiar repetition of garden meditations, helping you fend off the most difficult feelings......
and getting you through and to the other side, uncrushed, and in tact.
Lighter
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