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Knew this would happen. Really need advice...

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sKePTiKal:
Odd how backwards that is, isn't it?

If you clean up too much... make things "too perfect"... the normal folk of the world are afraid to sit down and relax. Hubs' cousins have told me: don't you dare clean up... just for us. Don't fuss. We'll be just fine. My kids have forcefully put me in a chair, handed me a drink, and told me: you don't have to do this Mom... we got it. Relax. (And you know I was only able to sit 5-10 minutes, don't you?)

My thing, has a shame aspect to it, for sure. My mom's place - being a hoarder - was claustrophobic for me. Large rooms with only a foot wide path through them... and with dogs & cats... layers of hair, inches thick. I coughed continuously being in there and it was even worse when we were helping her pack up to move. Some of the dirt & dust was decades old (my step-dad wasn't much of a housekeeper either). I only had a couple friends who "knew"... that I wasn't totally embarrassed to let them see the "mess" she preferred to live in.

In my desperation to "not be like her"... I think I got a bit neurotic and obsessive about cleaning, arranging things (I have this OCD thing about creating little still-lifes around the house... wacko-me... it's kinda fun), and I was just sooooo ashamed that someone would look around and think: "ooooo yuck! look at that dust" and then judge me, the way I judged my mom (how could anyone live like that??). There was a whole difference in scale, in comparison, that I wasn't taking into consideration though.

My BFF from high school told tales of how her mom, used to follow behind her after she cleaned the house, with white gloves... to see if she missed any dust. (We made up awful, childish, mean nursery rhymes about her... this was before we knew what an N was.) There's just a whole lot more to life, that a person misses... if you focus on those things that people don't really notice, anyway. Now, I just pick my battles... and if anyone says anything (no, they never do - just compliments)... my "excuse" is that I'm starting to age & slow down... and I just "didn't get there" before I pooped out & company showed up!

:D

KayZee:
Blergggg....... Two more quick questions on the NC front:

Dilemma #1: And I suspected this would happen...  NM sent a package in the mail, which was the one form of communication I didn't explicitly say not to contact me through.  It filled me with feelings of revulsion from the first second I saw it, so I tried to sweep it out of sight until I could figure out whether to return it to sender.  Anyway, my three year old saw it anyway and begged to open it, so I reluctantly let her (it was addressed to her and my son).  No note or anything inside.  NM just filled a priority mail box with a bunch of junk (old puppets) from her attic.  It was, like, she wanted to send something just to send something.  Just to prove I couldn't keep her out of our lives.  I also had the feeling of being baited; there's not a chance in hell I'm going to get in touch with NM to thank her, and then of course, she'll have the satisfaction of going around and telling the rest of my family what an ingrate I am.  ANYWAY...  What should I do about this?  I don't want to have any contact with her, including getting in touch again to say please don't contact me by mail.  But DH and I were both a bit iffy about taking it back to the post office, which NM will consider a full declaration of war.  I also don't want to give this too much thought; that makes me feel like she's winning...she's still managing to disrupt my work schedule and third trimester.  Managed to bring the kids out for an autumn drive this afternoon, and we chanced upon this beautiful barn dance with line-dancing and free pony rides.  But I still went hours feeling like there was a big cloud hanging over me, dread and depression for the first time since going NC.

Dilemma #2: Before their surprise visit, I'd invited NM and co-NDad to our house for Thanksgiving and Xmas.  They didn't say they were coming.  In fact, NM ignored the invitation outright and gave the general impression of being aggrieved about the whole thing (every year she insists everyone comes to her house).  So it was a bigger deal than it should have been saying NO, we will NOT come to you on Thanksgiving (which is close to my due date) and we will NOT drive three plus hours to see you for X-mas with our newborn baby.  But having been NC for a couple of weeks, I find my resolve growing instead of weakening (the exact opposite of what I expected to happen).  I really don't want to see them for either holiday, which they will undoubtedly ruin as always.  And very likely they'll be even more punishing after this period of being NC.  Is it okay to dis-invite them?  They haven't even accepted the invitation to begin with and, left up to them, they would likely string us along until the day before just like last year--never saying whether they plan on coming.  I can't really imagine how I'd do it.  Except maybe to say, that DH and I want to do our own thing this year.

 I really can't take them.  I don't want to be around them.  So far, being NC has only given me more clarity.  The more time I spend away from them, the more I realize that their cruelty is so subtle, secretive, systematic and selective (aimed only at scapegoats, "bad" guys like me).  I feel like it's truly evil, repulsive and creepy.  I just don't want it in my life.  Came across this quote by Simone Weil and totally related: "Imaginary evil is romantic and varied, real evil is gloomy, monotonous, barren, boring."  I'm so sick of playing out NM's same dull melodrama.  I just want away from her.

Anyway, if anyone's got any advice, I'd really appreciate it!
Kay x

Hopalong:
A note, mailed?

We will not be hosting Thanksgiving or Christmas this year, and will be spending the holidays on our own.

best wishes for the holiday season.

Nothing works but I do think, (((((((KZ)))))))) that I recognize this feeling you describe -- I felt it often with my mother. A crawling smothering anxiety that made me nearly phobic about her. It was a very long time before I became unaffected by her smallest gestures.

I think phobic is really how it felt. It DID get better. By late in her life I had ZERO expectation that she would change at all -- and with great age, she no longer had the power to "push my buttons". I wish I could say I had simply won the battle in my own mind to not react or overreact to her. I didn't win, but I became more inured.  I no longer expected fairness, reciprocity, sensitivity, courtesy, or lack of manipulation. At the same time, I stopped hating and blaming her for being what she was. I realized that she was what she was. And most of it was beyond her control.

After a looooong time, my choice to view her with compassion (while learning to say No and hold my boundaries) ... enabled me to feel at ease again. (No confusion of compassion with obedience, btw!)

I think you're in a vulnerable state right now and that makes it worse. I think you deserve mothering and lots of it ... but that it will have to be other-mothers. I learned to get it from myself and from amazing groups of women in my church. I was tremendously supported (as I have been here).

I really feel for you, I am so sorry you're feeling this stress (and that she is compulsively passive aggressive toward you). I think you should (if another package comes) LISTEN TO your instant revulsion and respect it -- it was the delay (Until I could figure out whether to return it) that did you in.

Remember this -- an unwanted package does NOT have to be "returned to sender." It can be immediately rushed to the nearest off-premises trash receptacle and dumped in, unopened. And then a major happy distraction -- cooking, calling a friend, watching a totally absorbing movie .. and lost of busyness until the fear of disobeying wears off.

It works!

love toyou
Hops

lighter:
I don't know, Kayzee:

I'd be tempted to drop those puppets off at the nearest Goodwill store.  Send those creepy puppets out into the universe for someone to enjoy.  Yup yup yup.
 
About the Thanksgiving and Christmas invitations.....

go ahead and cancel those invites, the quicker the better.  I hate to think of that hanging over your head too long.

Can you have your husband deal with it?  Why are you always the one dealing with it?  It's not like you aren;t in your third trimester, and in need of serenity, for goodness sake.

Let dh field just this one, and get it behind you as quickly as you can.  Maybe he can make a quick phone call, and say
"Due to current circumstances,  we realize it was a mistake to invite you for Christmas etc.   Please do not concern yourselves with RSVPing as those plans have been cancelled.  Contact won't be taking place until X number of months have passed.  Your respectful compliance, or lack thereof, will be part of the decision process going forward, so thanks in advance for being mindful of our wishes.  Goodbye. 

Click. 

 I realize that conversation isn't unlikely to go well for dh, so perhaps an e mail?  It would make it easier for your parents to broadcast your decision, which would weigh pretty heavily in my decision to cut them out, or not.  Maybe you could ask them to keep your private business, private, thus providing one more opportunity for them to hang themselves and prove why you've limited contact and might should cut them out completely.  It would really tick me off to have my e mail circulated during the holidays when I was giving birth, and struggling with a personal issue of boundary transgression with my overbearing PD parents. 

A break is called for, and it's possible contact will resume, but you don't have to make that decision right now.  Maybe trust your gut and play it by ear.  See how it goes. 

IF they do a good job, you might feel differently when the baby arrives, then again, you may be more certain about keeping he NC rule in place.

Lighter

Twoapenny:
Wow, it's like there's a handbook they all share, this is exactly what my mum did!

Kay, I'd take a deep breath and firmly tell yourself not to worry about what your mum tells the rest of your family.  She isn't telling the truth, never has, never will.  It's really hard, I still struggle with worrying about what people think of me.  But you are a good, kind, gracious, loving person and ignoring this randomly sent box of old toys is not a bad thing to do.  You've politely asked for no contact.  I find this kind of thing very passive aggressive.  I agree with Lighter completely, take them to your nearest charity shop/recycling centre/whever you can - someone else will love them and want them, or at least be able to reuse the bits and make something new.  You don't need to communicate anything about this.  You asked for no contact - you can only control your own side of things so you stick to no contact and just ignore them.  And yes, a quick note or email, very simple, as suggested by Hops and Lighter.

Over the years my mum has told dirty, horrible lies about me.  It's a terribly cruel form of control, particularly as the person being lied about may have no idea what's being said!  But, with hindsight, those that knew me dismissed the lies as nonsense and those that didn't bought into it - but they didn't know me and they weren't part of my life so, as hard as it is to cope with, I think the only thing you can do is work on letting it go.  My therapist hammered into me for years the thought that what matters is what I think about myself, not what anyone else thinks.  I still find it hard, but it's a good thing to aim for.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Kay)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

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