I spent a couple of days with my Dad to relax at his house, and it's been more than exhausting... This time as he was tired too from projects in the house, and other things and he showed so much of an N behavior. Never listening to what I said, talking for hours about his past job and all these people that I heard all my childhood and teens .. which I have never met...
Also 100% passive agressive in his words/actions. I felt so much like I was non-existing. Such a familiar feeling, feeling so empty and voice/use-less.
I used to get along quite well w/ him, but it seems that since I have started setting boundaries (for these past 3 months), he does not accept me anymore. He does not care b/c he knows he can abuse two Nsisters and his Nwife. They would feed him and abuse him back in their own way, saying in his back the worst kinds of things... And everybody is happy..
I am direct, sincere and this is what I get. I feel like I do not belong there.
I feel like I am an alien, serving for one purpose, letting them, one way or another, project their guilt/anger/fear/uneasiness/whatever bad feeling they have onto me. I am just a screen and I feel so exhausted and empty.
I don't know what happened, is it NMom playing her little games w/ Nsis at the end of the year as usual, is it only him being still in shock to have heard that my Nsis has a hepthite C... I really don't know.
All I feel is startling injustice. I do not even feel rebellious as I was in my teens, I just feel now half dead. I am crying, I know it is ridiculous cause things have never changed in 30 years. And they will never. I guess I am crying the lost of my last hope of having a father who would listen to me.
Now I really feel there is absolutely nobody in my family I can count on. And I feel so alone and alienated.
After having just been yelled at on the phone by him (I had asked him to look for my galsses that I had forgotten in the house), I calmly said that they do not need to call me anymore for Xmas or New Year's Eve. I don't even want to call for Nmom's 6Oth birthday. I guess I am really out of there -in my mind. That's really hard but this is the way it should be I guess. So painful.
I remember my N-analyst was saying to me it was good that I was still close to my father, as it was at least one bound to the family. It was one of the reasons why I tried to nurture this last bound. Now I feel I have no bound left. Nobody.
Sorry for whining and complaining here on this board, but tonight is too hard, I cannot bear that feeling of heavy emptiness, powerlessness.