Familiar feeling of heavy emptiness...

[ResilientLady]

I spent a couple of days with my Dad to relax at his house, and it's been more than exhausting... This time as he was tired too from projects in the house, and other things and he showed so much of an N behavior. Never listening to what I said, talking for hours about his past job and all these people that I heard all my childhood and teens .. which I have never met...
Also 100% passive agressive in his words/actions. I felt so much like I was non-existing. Such a familiar feeling, feeling so empty and voice/use-less.
I used to get along quite well w/ him, but it seems that since I have started setting boundaries (for these past 3 months), he does not accept me anymore. He does not care b/c he knows he can abuse two Nsisters and his Nwife. They would feed him and abuse him back in their own way, saying in his back the worst kinds of things... And everybody is happy..
I am direct, sincere and this is what I get. I feel like I do not belong there.
I feel like I am an alien, serving for one purpose, letting them, one way or another, project their guilt/anger/fear/uneasiness/whatever bad feeling they have onto me. I am just a screen and I feel so exhausted and empty.
I don't know what happened, is it NMom playing her little games w/ Nsis at the end of the year as usual, is it only him being still in shock to have heard that my Nsis has a hepthite C... I really don't know.
All I feel is startling injustice. I do not even feel rebellious as I was in my teens, I just feel now half dead. I am crying, I know it is ridiculous cause things have never changed in 30 years. And they will never. I guess I am crying the lost of my last hope of having a father who would listen to me.
Now I really feel there is absolutely nobody in my family I can count on. And I feel so alone and alienated.
After having just been yelled at on the phone by him (I had asked him to look for my galsses that I had forgotten in the house), I calmly said that they do not need to call me anymore for Xmas or New Year's Eve. I don't even want to call for Nmom's 6Oth birthday. I guess I am really out of there -in my mind. That's really hard but this is the way it should be I guess. So painful.
I remember my N-analyst was saying to me it was good that I was still close to my father, as it was at least one bound to the family. It was one of the reasons why I tried to nurture this last bound. Now I feel I have no bound left. Nobody.
Sorry for whining and complaining here on this board, but tonight is too hard, I cannot bear that feeling of heavy emptiness, powerlessness.

[Cadbury]

I don't know what to say that can help, I just didn't want you to feel so alone. I am trying to leave my Nboyfriend and am finding that hard enough as he uses all the weapons he can find to try and force me to stay. I can only imagine how much harder that is when it is an N parent. All I can think of is that your life will be better without the strain of this relationship. You will find friends to help you through without having to suffer the abuse and endless put downs that you get from your family. Remember "Friends are the family we choose for ourselves". So if your family aren't there for you, then try not to worry about them too much. I know that is easier said than done, I just wanted you to know that I really feel for you and what you are going through and hope you get through it okay. *hugs*.

[DJ]

I totally understand how you feel, due the abuse from my Nmom, and 2 Nsisters for 50+ years.   (I do have one normal older sis who just this year came to see how they REALLY are, and has validated me).

What I've come to realize this year (52 yrs later) is that I'm not losing a "familiy" in the true sense of the word.  A true family loves unconditionally, shows support, encouragement, validation and all the positive things that make one feel loved, nurtured, respected, accepted.  I NEVER got these positive things from my biological family.

So what I'm grieving is the loss of my "FANTASY FAMILY" that I held onto all these years, because I was still blind to the abuse (or in denial?).  My fantasy mom and 2 sisters.  In reality, they are BULLLIES, and EVIL.

I actually feel happier when my Nfamily is NOT in my life.  You can't miss what you never REALLY had. . . a loving family.

I read this somewhere "people don't remember what you do, they only remember the way you made them FEEL".      Soooo true.

I feel awful when I'm in contact with the toxic Nfamily.   I feel free and happier without the drama, chaos and abuse in my life.

You are NOT alone!  

[ResilientLady]

Thank you so much for your kind words, Cadbury, it helps soothing a bit the pain.
And thank you very much, DJ, I like very much your logic : "You can't miss what you REALLY had", this is the type of thing I will try to remember now.
The thing is I think My Dad was there for me (since 1999). He supported me when I had problems w/ an xbf, w/ a job, and during my depression. In fact he was the only one who had a different attitude when he learnt that I had been in therapy and took antidepressants.
But since I read a book about P/A men, and a couple of books about N, I am observing him. And I can't help finding in him all these flaws. So I told him (about P/A), saying I was also P/A. I thought I was close enough to say things like that, but obviously he did not like that. I also told him about the abuse by my NMom and 2 Nsis, but he pretended not to listen.
So I really do not know. I feel that he has "strong" N traits, but in the same time, he can be very supporting. I am really lost.  I guess for now, I will just let a 3 months no-contact period with him.
I think I am really afraid of cutting my last contact to the family.
Thanks again for your support, it means a lot to me.
-RL

[bunny]

ResilientLady,

I think your father is a flawed human being, probably kind of selfish and neurotic. But he's tried to help you. He has his own emotional problems and isn't as available as you'd like. But he's tried to be. I think he can get some credit for this and not be blackened completely by things you're now observing.

As to telling him he's P/A, I would not do that. It's not something anyone wants to hear. Not even if you say you are P/A too. He isn't buying it. There is no one so close that you can tell them their pathology (except a therapist who's paid to tolerate it).

I guess what I'm saying is give your father another chance but lower your expectations. I don't think you have to cut him off yet. (just an opinion)

bunny

[ResilientLady]

Hi Bunny, I feel there is some good sense in what you say. However I am still too confused right now to express any clear view/decision. So I guess I'd rather wait a couple fo days before deciding what to do. I will tell you (and will probably ask more questions..) what I plan to do when my emotions are less strong..
-RL