My song for the day:
http://youtu.be/DFG9dwolo3QSo now mom is on a new kick. She wants up to have a "normal relationship" just like "all her friends" have with their daughters.
Wow.
However, a normal relationship does not involve her actually admitting she ever did anything wrong or that my childhood was anything other than perfect. It does not allow for me to be impatient or irritable or overwhelmed with her constant demands. In her version of a normal relationship it is OK for her to promise things that cannot be delivered and I have to lie down and take that. Gaslighitng, truth-bending, and manipulation are all Ok, as long as they come from her.
Funny thing is, for a while we had perfected the art of the surface relationship. She can be pretty good company when she is not being a whiny bitch. I learned not to expect too much, and the hoops I had to jump through were minor. So long as I kept up my end of the deal--pretending everything was perfect--things went well. Light conversation, helping her with doors and curbs, nothing I couldn't handle.
Think of Alice in Wonderland making repeat trips down the rabbit hole. She might never gt totally used to the shifting rules and bizarro nature of the people down there, but at least she would be prepared to expect the unexpected.
So for a variety of reasons (guilt, money, christian charity, trying to provide my son with a grandmother, trying to keep my son in touch with his cousins) I have dealt with the family nuttiness.
For the last few years things have been getting tenser. In one year, her husband died, my family moved further south, and bro-whatever's family moved to another state. That was 6 years ago and that was when she started with the heavy duty manipulations and drama. So here comes the vicious spirial--as she tries harder to manipulate me (the only family she has in this state) I pull back more, which makes her up the ante, which makes me hostile--you know how it goes. The fact that I have been depending on her for financial support--a situation she could have helped alleviate if she had co-signed on a home loan for me years ago--has only made things more tense. Last spring, we got the HAMP mortgage adjustment AND some inheritance money from Ted's dad, and I thought things would be fine. Financially, I would no longer be dependent on her, and that
should have taken off some of the pressure.
Well--Continuing car drama, some very stupid financial mistakes on our part, and a very dry summer at my work, along with sick pets and other minor emergencies have depleted our savings. I am looking for a new job. Stress is building.
Meanwhile, she has been perfecting her techniques. Her health really does seem to be failing (not fast enough, I guess) and she plays the helpless card constantly.
It's hard to say what is actually wrong with her, except for her eyesight getting worse. (she says) Many of her problems are her own doing--she refuses to drink milk or even water (dehydration and poor bone density) she refused to sleep in a bed for years (we finally ganged up on her and made her buy a day bed for the TV room) which contributes to her back problems--she goes to the chiropractor as much as her medicare or insurance or whatever will let her but she won't do any of the exercises they give her at home...so it's hard to feel bad for her health problems.
She likes to travel, and of course you would have to make accommodations for any old person on unfamiliar stairs, etc. But OMG! She seems to purposely make herself more helpless --and even more disturbing, disgusting--on these trips. This trip we just took to Lake Geneva was the second one this year (the first was the annual family fiasco at Door County) and it was truly horrible. She slopped her food around on her plate at breakfast until the innkeeper cut it for her, screamed and cried every time she had to climb up or down the stairs at the B&B, would not allow me to sleep--and the absolute best Kodak moment was when she woke me up screaming that she could not find the bathroom and if somebody didn't come and help her RIGHT NOW she would pee all over the floor. Strangest thing was, she was talking about peeing on
YOUR FLOOR apparently addressing her comments to the innkeeper.
In the middle of all this, there is a constant tug-of-war between her and her need to make me do even the simplest things for her (cut her food, show her to the same bathroom multiple times a day, turn the shower off and on for her) and my need to breathe a little and NOT do all that shit. She treated me like paid help. Without actually telling me what to do, she manipulated and pushed buttons on me and kept me from ever sitting down or relaxing or even getting a good night's sleep. Back at home, my car is in the shop. I have told her how much the mechanic says it will be (his estimate, $3000) and my son continues to remind me of the obvious: she has promised to pay for the damn thing, and this trip is our end of the deal. Be nice, Mom, he tells me. I'm trying. Also, Ted and I have planned a short trip to Door county to stay in the property owned by the vacation club we joined years ago, when we both worked full time and money was not so tight. So poor Ted (maybe not) is at home, working all day and busting his ass at night to do all my housework and his too, trying to get ready for this trip.
So in the middle of all this, she forces an argument about why can't we have a normal relationship like all her friends (both of them) have with their daughters. So I tell her. Here come the gaslights, the tears, the dramatic wringing of hands. I walk away. She follows. The bell rings for Round 2. I walk away. She follows. I lose patience and lock my door.
Next day she manages her own food and behaves in a fairly normal way. Thank God its the last day. So I think, I guess she's gotten over that.
Now the car is ready. I call to tell her the final bill. Well, she will
try to help me. But my uncle is coming over tomorrow and he helps her with her money, and she does not know how much she has. Now I am mad. It's not about the money, its about the promise. If she had not made that stupid promise, Ted would have gone to HR before we left to see about a loan (we just paid off the last one a couple of months ago!). I would not have gone to Lake Geneva with her, I would have stayed home and worked! I would have done everything differently!
Oh, my god. Here comes another one, just like the other one. The drama! The tears! The humanity of it all! Why cant we just be a family!
ANd do you know what? I'll admit, I started getting embroiled again. I did. We got to screaming and she hung up on me. Then she called me back and again stared in on how she jsut wanted to be a family. So in a moment of clarity I told her,
"
Our relationship is what it is. You will not give an inch and admit you ever did anything wrong, so it is just going to be shallow and superficial and that is all there is to it. I will continue to turn up and do things with you, and I will smile and we can pretend everything is perfect just like we have been doing. But it is really too late to try and change anything now. You can take it as it is or you don't have to call me again. It's up to you. I have to go now." And I hung up the phone.
So her brother blew her off again (he is always doing that) and the next day she called and wanted to know when I was going to pick up the check.
WHAT-
EVER!
