Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How to fend off a gang of jackals?
lighter:
Kayzee:
It almost makes me want to put a calendar up at your house.....
in your garage, in a cabinet, so you don't see it unless you choose the time and seek it out.
On this calendar you will keep track of the boundaries your family crosses, after you've stated the consequence for said boundary crossings will push back the date they may come to your home and meet the new baby.
I know that sounds strange, and awful, and terrible, but they'd have a chance at seeing the baby while your IL's are there THIS YEAR.
Or not. :shock:
I know they aren't children, and it's an odd thing to come to mind, but their behavior makes me want to go through my consistent discipline toolbox so badly. :shock:
Lighter
KayZee:
Thanks Lighter! I know just what you mean. FOO is full of overgrown babies! My own kids (who are toddlers) have more emotional maturity, not to mention more sense of social appropriateness, more compassion, more honesty/integrity/authenticity! It's funny...I made a list that was very similar to your calendar idea the other week. I felt like I needed to write it all down so I could pull it out in moments when FOO was successfully making me feel confused and crazy and remind myself that their abuses and boundary-crossings are a very consistent pattern of behavior! Thank you so deeply for taking this insanity through with me.
KayZee:
So our new baby is here! Of course, births never seem to happen the way you think they're going to, but this was particularly out of left field....
I dropped DH off at the train station on Tuesday morning; he had to travel a couple of hours away to the big city for his real estate certif. exam. Then, I dropped my daughter off at her nursery school. Felt one or two light contractions during all that, but nothing more than I've been feeling for the past couple of weeks. Went home, read my son some books. Put him down for a nap and told my in-laws I was going to take a shower (had an appointment at the midwife scheduled for later in the day).
So it's, like, 10 a.m. at that point and by 10:30-10:45, I was having pretty intense, regular contractions and starting to panic. Part of me--Irealize now, it was the part that still believes NM and nasty FOO--worried that I was "overreacting," "being hysterical," "making a mountain out of a molehill." But another part of me realized I was, for all intents and purposes, alone and had to listen to my own body/voice (mildly terrifying). So, in a span of five minutes, I managed to call the midwife and say (albeit a bit too stoically, without enough urgency) that I thought I was in labor and needed to come in early. Also called my daughter's school and said I'd be picking her up early. Then asked Dad-in-law to help me put the hospital stuff in the car and drive me.
Anyway... We pick up DD from nursery school at 11, bring her back home, make it to the hospital at five minutes to noon, and DD #2 was born at 12:15 p.m. A photo finish. In under the wire. And I feel things might have gone very differently if I'd hesitated a few minutes more at any given point in the process.
Poor DH missed the whole thing! And couldn't make it back from the city until 8 at night. DD wasborn just as his exam was beginning and I didn't want to call and ruin his concentration! Had to wait a few hours til I was sure he was finished, and of course he was thrilled/floored. Not what we'd had planned!
Glad labor was so quick because I had to go through it on my own! Another thought that terrified me. Dad in-law was so sweet and out of his element. He hadn't done this labor thing in thirty years, though I could tell he secretly loved playing such a big role and saving the day! But quite understandably, he did not want to be in the room while I moaned and pushed. The midwife was such a lovely, calm, compassionate presence though, let me hug her through a few contractions and then, DD was crying in my arms.
DD is so loving, and has such quiet strength. She's such a nice spirit and seems like such an old soul. And I can't help but think she's gonna challenge me. Already, she's made me change so much, made me have to be so much stronger and more certain in my choices. Her big sis and brother are in love with her, and immediately welcomed her into their gang. DD wants to tuck her in and marvel at how cute she is. DS points at her and giggles, brings her toys.
FOO drama still there, but has taken a far seat in my mind. Really, I've kicked NM and her sidekicks out at the curb. With three kids under four, I have a long drive ahead of me, so to speak, and too many other little passengers/travel companions. Fend for yourselves FOO! Figure out your own journey/bad trips on your own!
There were a few hours when I was alone in the hospital with newborn DD, after D-in-law had gone home, when the tiniest inner voice said, "Should I call my family?" But a much stronger one answered back, "No. Not now. I'd much rather share the news with people who can celebrate with me." I called my aunt and uncle instead. I rested, cuddled DD and enjoyed feeling happy on my own.
I emailed FOO a photo last night, and invited them to come this weekend or next (while the in-laws are here and just so I could get their visit out of the way and enjoy Xmas without feeling anxious and stressed about it all). And, most predictably, NM wrote back the most superficial/brief "congratulations" followed by an accusation/attempt to pick a fight. Oh, and after everything she's put me through, did not respond to the invitation at all:
Congratulations! She's beautiful and looks just like you! Plus she came early enough to get situated before Christmas - you'll all be a well- oiled machine by then.
I am a little disappointed, however, that you chose to inform us by email. I understand that you were delivering a baby, but DH or his parents could have phoned. I only checked my email by chance tonight after a long day at work.
Mom
I'm not surprised. I'm not upset. I feel nothing and don't want to waste even a second of thought on FOO's mental illness and obvious attempts to bring us down (even typing this is wasting minutes that are better spent bonding, resting, celebrating). This seems like a very appropriate ending to our relationship.
lighter:
--- Quote from: KayZee on December 06, 2012, 11:35:25 AM ---So our new baby is here!
--- End quote ---
Congratulations! and I want all the numbers!
How big?
How long?
Does she have a fuzzy little head like my girls, or was she born with hair, and is it straight standing right up, or curly little locks..... what color?
I guess your NM did exactly what you'd expect, so no surprised there, so no need to get upset......
that is.....
unless you were expecting her to do better?
At some point, and if she's to remain in your life, you grow a sense of humor about it, joke to her face in ways that whoosh right over her head, and know this is it.....
no expectations, no dissapointments going forward.
Ahhhhh..... I smell fresh cut Christmas Tree, and it makes me glad your dd arrived in time to be a part of your celebrations.
I can't tell you how much fun it was to read about your FIL being at the hospital, a strong and steady...... a comforting presense for you.
There's a small mean spot that might enjoy your mother's face when she hear's the retelling of that story, even though it makes me feel a wee bit small: /
::sigh::
Eh, back to that new baby smell, and snuggling in with a newborn....
welcome dd: )
Lighter
Twoapenny:
Oh Kay, I am so happy for you and your family and a big, big welcome to your beautiful little girl. May you have a happy and prosperous time this Christmas and enjoy every second that you can together. Well done xx
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