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How to fend off a gang of jackals?

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Butterfly:
Yikes.  Sis's emails are not nice and even a person without N connections should be able to catch the tone.  Notice that even though she mentions your approaching due date, she says nothing about the baby--it is as if your pregnancy is simply an inconvenience to her.  Notice, too, her bullying:  "I need you to . . ." so that "I can drop ..." and "I would like ..." so that you "can meet me" and "as soon as you can."  Her email may mention gifts for your kids but it is really all about her need to control you.

And, her second email, where she mentions that she "can't fathom any rational reason why the toys should go to waste," is nothing but a verbal attack on you.  Basically, she is telling you that you are the crazy one.  And, does she really thinkg that dumping a pile of crap on your driveway is not an inconvenience??  I like Hops' suggestions.  Yes, good to have a plan.  If she drops off packages in the driveway, would that hamper your ability to get the car out and get to the hospital when the baby comes?  I smell some sort of sabotage.  Maybe it would help to have DH read some of the posts?? 

Thoughts and prayers for you, KayZee. 



PS:  One Christmas I received a package addressed to my daughters containing N Mom's old goves and scarves.  The items were drenched in her perfume.  It was disgusting and I immediately tossed the entire package in the garbage.  Since then, I have had no trouble binning whatever comes. 

KayZee:
Old gloves and scarves! Why do Ns think so highly of their cast-offs and secondhand trash?  My NM has spent the past couple of years doing the same.  Dumping all sorts of crap off here because she wants to "downsize" (i.e. make room in her house so she can compulsively overspend on all new stuff), and DH and I are supposed to be, like, so honored and grateful.  It's like NM thinks the fact that she once owned it increases its beauty and value.

Whew... Thanks for understanding, Butterfly.  My rational mind knows that they're the ones behaving crazy.  I mean, it is batshit insane to tell someone you're going to drive up to their house, dump a bunch of stuff on their driveway and peel away into the night.  But, it all feels like such a set-up--such a game to make me appear difficult and crazy--that occasionally, at times, it's really hard not to succumb to feeling like I'm to blame.

GC-sis has always needed instant gratification.  And in the past five years or so, it's only gotten worse.  She's seriously chaotic.  She only calls when she's in a manic state, foaming at the mouth with grandiose plans or demanding things.  I'm gonna try not to take it too personally.  Seems like the thing she really desperately wants (to be my NM's protector and hero) has very little to do with Christmas, my kids or me. 

I'm not sure GC-sis realizes the way NM is using and gaslighting her.  This all still seems like it's in reaction to that time, all those months ago, when I told NM she was not allowed to show up at my house uninvited.  Feels like NM has created this scenario where now GC-sis (who has barely said two words to me in five years, let alone accepted any invitation to come visit) is now charging down my door to see me, leading me to turn her away, leading her to complain about me to NM and, voile, in NM's mind she still doesn't have to admit to herself that I'm a separate person with separate priorities and boundaries or that she's done anything wrong.  The only thing that makes me really uncomfortable is GC-sis' history of getting volatile and violent when she's protecting my parents.  The last time she played NM's attack dog, she tried to hit me.

I wonder if subtracting myself from the family drama has just made them all feel deeply unsettled, angry and scared.  And the worst part is, likely, now that I'm ignoring them/keeping to myself, they don't even know who to take those uncomfortable emotions out on.  Gonna try to hold my distance and store up some strength.  Because I'm really ready to NC definitively, in no uncertain terms, for good, and I fear this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

BonesMS:

--- Quote from: KayZee on December 04, 2012, 04:16:52 AM ---Old gloves and scarves! Why do Ns think so highly of their cast-offs and secondhand trash?  My NM has spent the past couple of years doing the same.  Dumping all sorts of crap off here because she wants to "downsize" (i.e. make room in her house so she can compulsively overspend on all new stuff), and DH and I are supposed to be, like, so honored and grateful.  It's like NM thinks the fact that she once owned it increases its beauty and value.

Whew... Thanks for understanding, Butterfly.  My rational mind knows that they're the ones behaving crazy.  I mean, it is batshit insane to tell someone you're going to drive up to their house, dump a bunch of stuff on their driveway and peel away into the night.  But, it all feels like such a set-up--such a game to make me appear difficult and crazy--that occasionally, at times, it's really hard not to succumb to feeling like I'm to blame.

GC-sis has always needed instant gratification.  And in the past five years or so, it's only gotten worse.  She's seriously chaotic.  She only calls when she's in a manic state, foaming at the mouth with grandiose plans or demanding things.  I'm gonna try not to take it too personally.  Seems like the thing she really desperately wants (to be my NM's protector and hero) has very little to do with Christmas, my kids or me.  

I'm not sure GC-sis realizes the way NM is using and gaslighting her.  This all still seems like it's in reaction to that time, all those months ago, when I told NM she was not allowed to show up at my house uninvited.  Feels like NM has created this scenario where now GC-sis (who has barely said two words to me in five years, let alone accepted any invitation to come visit) is now charging down my door to see me, leading me to turn her away, leading her to complain about me to NM and, voile, in NM's mind she still doesn't have to admit to herself that I'm a separate person with separate priorities and boundaries or that she's done anything wrong.  The only thing that makes me really uncomfortable is GC-sis' history of getting volatile and violent when she's protecting my parents.  The last time she played NM's attack dog, she tried to hit me.

I wonder if subtracting myself from the family drama has just made them all feel deeply unsettled, angry and scared.  And the worst part is, likely, now that I'm ignoring them/keeping to myself, they don't even know who to take those uncomfortable emotions out on.  Gonna try to hold my distance and store up some strength.  Because I'm really ready to NC definitively, in no uncertain terms, for good, and I fear this is going to get a lot worse before it gets better.

--- End quote ---

Morning, (((((((((((((((((((((((Kay Zee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))).

As I was reading the last paragraph regarding the N's unsettled reactions to your going NC, the image that came to my mind was a large mobile that John Bradshaw used to illustrate one of his talks.  He describes this scenario in his book:  "John Bradshaw On:  The Family - A Revolutionary Way of Self-Discovery".  He used this mobile as an analogy for the family as a system and how, within a dysfunctional family, the dysfunctional ones will go to any length to maintain the status quo when one member starts recovering from the dysfunction and abuse.  (When I was watching this lecture on PBS several years ago, a light bulb went on.  When I was able to attend one of his workshops 20 years ago, I finally began to understand why I was self-medicating.  All of this before I understood N's and NPD.)

I'll have to look and see if this book is still available through Amazon or not.


Edit in:  Amazon still has this book along with an updated edition of it.

Bones

sKePTiKal:

--- Quote ---I wonder if subtracting myself from the family drama has just made them all feel deeply unsettled, angry and scared.  And the worst part is, likely, now that I'm ignoring them/keeping to myself, they don't even know who to take those uncomfortable emotions out on.
--- End quote ---

This is deeply insightful, kiddo.
The fact is, they're used to having you as a target, someone to pick on and at, someone to put down... to help them pretend they are "superior". It always seems to me, this is their raison d'etre.

So, when I suggest simply not playing their game - just stopping, no drama (which deprives them of another finger-point gloat) - this is why. Yep, it's true - they're beside themselves looking for a new target. My mom picked my sis-in-law... and GC-bro... while he tries to "make nice words" at his wife... is still completely under mom's thumb. So he can't take the stress and has arranged his life so that he's seldom home. Which leaves everyone else in a tense, with lots of explosive undercurrents, stalemate. Mom doesn't even call me to re-run her complaining, victim tape -- unless there's no one home... and I can only imagine, it's because she'd be called on her lies, right then and there. There are patterns that run through these situations that are predictable, sure. There's always some unique environmental and interpersonal details, too.

What you need is a total sensory cone of N-silence!! Where it's not even in your brain... not even a passing thought. I'm gonna prescribe something off the wall - fantasy island! Imagine yourself a place that your family can't intrude on -- whether it's a fortress or on another planet -- or they just can't find you. Invest some time in the details of the place: smells, touch, the works. Populate it with people you like. You have carte blanche -- so if you need a hunky looking pool boy to wait on you hand and foot - so be it! Or a pony... or whatever it might be that satisfies your whim of the moment - a mountain of chocolate??  (lol...) This is now your "happy place". Twice a day, drop in and see what's going on in your happy place... and hang out there. Even if it's only a couple minutes - since little ones have their own inner schedules - even that couple minutes will become part of your "normal" waking consciousness. And that helps to balance out -- and turn the binoculars around so that these N-things now look smaller and less important to you -- than when they proved the car mirror warning:

"objects may appear larger than in reality". Or something like that! hahaha!

Twoapenny:
Aw, Kay, if it helps at all what you describe is pretty much word for word what my lot did to me over the years and I am so much happier and healthier now that I'm not around them - I'm hoping that will give you hope for the future?

They probably will up the ante, as you quite rightly notice, they will be looking for a new target if you no longer take on that role.  My mum went through the roof when I stopped talking to her.  She hassled people that knew me outside school gates, went up to friends of mine at their place of work, got my younger sister to her dirty work for her, bad mouthed me to anyone that would listen (I've heard some incredibly stories about things I'm supposed to have done) and completely alienated me from the entire family and lots of family friends and so on.  It was so, so hard and I can't tell you how many times I've cried, sobbed, wailed, wanted to punch things and just gone round and round in my head because of the whole thing.  But eventually she just gave up, I think because she basically ran out of things to do because she just didn't get a reaction.  I've focused on my own life and just tried as hard as I can to ignore her, and slowly my life grew and got stronger and it's like they all got weaker and weaker.  There's something almost vampirific about the relationship, as if they get their life blood from sapping yours?  You're doing the right thing, just keep practising those boundaries, it honestly does get easier over time xx

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