Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
How to fend off a gang of jackals?
Twoapenny:
I think we close our eyes to the reality of it in order to cope. We accept bits a little at a time. We move back and forth, we can cope, we can't, we're being too harsh, we're not harsh enough, we're crazy and selfish, they're crazy and selfish. A punch in the face is what it is, it leaves a bruise, we can show other people and they say "Ouch" and most people consider it unacceptable. A 'loving' note about Christmas gifts speaks volumes by what it doesn't say and address, most other people can't see what we do, they think we're making a fuss over nothing, they can't see the hurt and we wonder if they're right. I think it's a bit like fixing a car - most of us can put the petrol in, pump the tyres up and check the oil, but you have to really know your stuff to get to the heart of the matter if it doesn't start. Stick with the people who get it! They're the ones who help the most.
And I did think, maybe you could tell your sis you'll come pick the presents up when she finishes that script she wants you to send to your friend? That might hold her off for another five years ;) xx
KayZee:
Ah (((Tup)))! You're spectacular. Thank you for getting it!! This made me laugh out loud:
--- Quote ---And I did think, maybe you could tell your sis you'll come pick the presents up when she finishes that script she wants you to send to your friend? That might hold her off for another five years Wink xx
--- End quote ---
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: KayZee on December 02, 2012, 10:55:30 AM ---((((Tup)))) I can't quite thank you enough for understanding. Or tell you how comforting it is. How much it means to me.
Yes, to any reasonable person (or in a court of law or something) it would all sound COMPLETELY reasonable, even THOUGHTFUL! That's what bothers me so much. Bums me out. Makes me feel like I am the "crazy one," "the difficult one," "the bad one" (insert a million NM-isms here). The passive aggressiveness is maddening. I can't handle the nastiness disguised as being "loving."
Thank God for DH; real friends; my in-laws; you all on the board; not to mention my wild, kindhearted, self-possessed kids. All those people have taught me what emotional authenticity and real intimacy feels like. I think I know now (well, mostly) how to recognize people who are actually emotionally open, who want to connect and have my best interests at heart. And that is not, NOT how any of this holiday-related garbage with my family feels. Especially, this new stuff coming from my sister--a person who has mostly ignored me for the past five years except to 1) gang up on me with NM or 2) demand I do something for her (gimmme).
(((Bones)))) Thank you for the warriors! The puppet image is spot-on. And weirdly, it brings me right back to that box of puppets NM sent here all those weeks ago. I feel sorry for sis.
These days, in real life, my sis looks exactly as you described. Her eyes are just totally stunned like someone who's been caught by a bright camera flash; they're scared but totally vacant. And when we're together, she doesn't even acknowledge or speak to me. She doesn't speak directly to anyone. She just sits at NM's side like a parrot to a cartoon pirate and echos back everything NM says. I don't know what--if anything--could snap my sister out of the spell she's under. I think her mental health issues run even deeper than mine. And I've often wondered whether she might be BPD; she's got a long history of self-harm and chaos, plus serious emotional UPs and DOWNs that are just exhausting.
It's hard to watch sis trash her relationships, goals, life all for the sake of NM's (obviously never forthcoming) real love and approval. But I've been there myself. I know how frightened my sister must be. And I know how NM can amp up the charm offensive on whoever she finds most useful (a few years of occasional nice treatment and it's all too easy to start thinking NM's not the monster everyone makes her out to be. What IS so-and-so's problem?). We all know how much time, therapy, emotional energy and pain overcoming an N-parent requires. And GC-sis isn't really up for facing all that. She has always been someone who would rather dissociate and mentally "go" elsewhere. Ever since we were kids (and even now) she will shut herself in a room and watch the same DVDs over and over again, literally EVERYDAY, for months at a time. And it's like, she just leaves her body and lets the characters in the story consume her--exactly the same thing she does with my NM.
I've been thinking/feeling a lot about why I'm so upset by GC-sis, enabling-D and their gang-mentality and total mirroring of NM, and at the heart of it: I think it really feels now like NM has destroyed my family. Torched it. And I'm more alone than ever. It's like NM is this flesh-eating zombie who reduces everyone else to zombie behavior and language when she bites them. And yeah, hyperbolic as it is...the loneliness I'm feeling is sort of Apocalyptic. It's, like, there's no humanity left on the planet FOO. But maybe there never has been. Maybe all along, everyone's just been brutal, violent and emotionally starving. I just Googled "How to Kill a Zombie," and the first response was: "The undead are notoriously difficult to kill, the base reason being because they are already dead." Yes, that's it exactly. Everyone in my FOO is already dead. A few years ago, I felt dead too. And am still trying, very slowly, to revive.
--- End quote ---
((((((((((((((((Kay Zee)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Hopalong:
KZ I wonder whether there's a chance a carload of presents will arrive on your porch, soon.
Do you have a serenity-strategy for how you'll handle that, if your sister does deliver them regardless?
Maybe having a PRE-plan would help you feel in control. So you are not allowing your serenity to be hijacked again.
She's an addict (to the N-system), she can't change, so reasonable replies to her are kind of as useless as with your mother.
How about a PRE-plan of:
--not answering the door
--removing all delivered gifts to the car immediately, and on to Goodwill unopened
etc?
Is that what you need? Or if not, what are some ways you could have your boundary CLEARLY
defined in advance, so whatever she or they do, you will know what YOU will do?
That puts you back in control of your own inner space.
love
Hops
KayZee:
Oh, Hops. You are so psychic....that or these N-games are so depressingly predictable. Thanks for suggesting a pre-plan. That would definitely help me feel more in control, I think. If NM, G-sis, anyone shows up here uninvited, I think I'm just going to bundle everyone into the car and say we have plans we can't break.
Anyway, I read your post right after I got the following from sis:
I can leave them on the driveway, it will no way inconvenience you. I love your kids, I picked out gifts for your kids, and I cant fathom any rational reason why they should go to waste. So with your permission, I would like to drive them up and ill leave them on your driveway.
It seriously makes my blood boil. As does the fact that I got an almost simultaneous email from my NM. What is WRONG with these email blocks--they don't seem to be working? And I am at the end of my rope with NM and G-sis working in tandem!!
Still, I am refusing to blow up. That is exactly what they want and I will not give it to them. Responded to g-sis with the following. This is the only way DH and I can think to handle this: let whole dysfunctional FOO come by for an hour after the baby is born, while my in-laws are still here for emotional support and vicarious sanity. Having sent it, will try to figure out how the hell to restore these constantly failing e-boundaries.
We are very grateful for the thought/care you put into Christmas. I will be in touch with you after we have the baby, and we can arrange a time for you (plus mom and dad) to come visit for the afternoon and bring your presents. Until I have the baby, I can't make these plans. I really hope you can find some way to understand and empathize with that. We are having a baby. Until the baby comes, we just can't commit to specific dates and have a lot on our plates/minds. Kay x
They are making me insane.
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