Voicelessness and Bullying

[sunblue]

Hello Everyone:

Thank you all so much for your support.  I can't tell you how grateful I am.  Thank you Debkor and Mud for the advice on reporting.  Just thought I'd give you an update.

Today was pretty ugly at work.  My controlling boss threw a fit about something that was her fault and blamed me.  She insulted me and made it clear she was angry I was honest about something related to a project.

Today I also decided to summon the courage and talk to my CEO.  I was calm and collected and attempted to talk about my situation.  It was clear that he in no way sees my boss as doing anything in the slightest wrong.  She supports all her decisions (even when he's not aware of them).  It's clear that she's gone to him and convinced him not to follow through on his promises to me and to turn my job into something I didn't sign up for.  This is compounded by the fact that this other job I'm doing (totally outside of the scope of my real job) is something that is critical to him.  It's a project that our Board of DIrectors is making him accountable for to get right.  So bottom line, they're using me to get this other project done.  I tried describing all these ways she's marginalizing me and minimizing me but he is clueless.  He in no way views her as doing anything inappropriate.  If she told him to jump off the bridge, he probably would.

Because of this bigger project, they won't fire me because they need me to do all the work.  In the meantime, she will continue to minimize me and marginalize me.  Now that we had this difficult exchange this morning, it will get worse.  I know that completely.

I have documented things but an attorney has told me that essentially this kind of thing is legal.  Unless they torment you based on discrimination, like race, sex, ethnicity, etc.  pretty much everything else they do is within their rights....for at-will states.  The attorney said I could try and fight it but chances aren't good I would get unemployment.  And my employer never ever would agree to pay unemployment.  In fact, in the past when they've let people go, they trump up a case so no unemployment is paid.  They've won every time.

So running out of options.  Of course, I'm aggressively job hunting....but I won't be able to put up with this much longer.  I'm taking vacation time (but they still want me to participate in multiple meetings from home) and by the time I return, I must make a decision about resigning. 

Since I've been ostracized by others, no one speaks to me (unless is necessary for work) and it's just a sad sad situation.

Well, thank you again.  Even though I've never met any of you, you've all been kinder to me than anyone in my offline world.  Know how much I appreciate it.  Bright blessings for a great holiday.

[mudpuppy]

Well you talked to him and, as you predicted, he's clueless.
It's easy to give you advice on this and that but of course it's much different when it's just you against a whole organization which has turned a deaf ear to you.
If you do go it sounds like they're going to realize they have a good sized hole to fill.

mud

[BonesMS]

If you do decide to leave, these clueless N's will probably quickly learn the old saying:

"Karma's a bitch and paybacks are hell!"

When I was bullied out of my position that I had worked in for 26 years, I was eligible for early retirement and took it.  The N-bullies assumed that they could easily replace me with someone young, dumb, and cheap.  They discovered, the hard way, that they could NOT.  Every applicant they interviewed TURNED IT DOWN because the applicants were smart enough to see how much work load was involved and the low pay the N's were offering them to do that much work.  At one point, one of the N's started screaming accusations at the office staff still left...accusing them all of sabotaging HER efforts to replace me.  Then the higher ups decided to eliminate my old position completely so that the N-bullies could NOT fill that position.  This forced my former immediate supervisor to do all of my old tasks in addition to his own and he discovered, the hard way, that my job was not that simple or easy!  End result?  He screwed up enough of what I used to do that it embarrassed many of the higher ups.  In the end, the two N-bullies, who were unable to point the finger of blame at anyone because ALL of their targets were gone, suffered the consequences of their actions.

Sun, I'm rooting for you because I've been in your shoes and I feel your pain!

Bones

[lighter]

Sun?

What happened yesterday?

Are you OK?

Lighter

[sunblue]

Mud, Bones and Lighter, thank you for your response.

Bones, I certainly feel your pain.  Yes, these Ns they, and they alone, know everything.  They don't.  Not by a long shot.  Even though my conversation with the CEO was painful, it was also enlightening.  He is very clueless.  He make some comments that clearly showed me he has no understanding of what is going on or that the kinds of decisions my horrible boss is making will not help his business.  He assumes this project I'm doing will solve all his business problems.  It won't, especially not in the way my boss is ego-managing it.

So, he made it clear he will support whatever my boss wants to do, will turn a deaf ear on her mistreatment of me and basically reneged on his promises to me and expects me to just continue to do all this work that is not part of my job.  Nothing will change.  In fact, it will be worse.  My boss is clearly able to do whatever she wants and he won't take a step to intervene. 

At this point I don't see any other way out but to resign.  If I don't they will use me to get this big project launched and then I'm sure my boss will find a way to get rid of me since they won't need me to save the day any longer.  In the meantime, she'll continue to abuse, humiliate, insult and marginalize me. 

Today's my birthday and it was a sad day indeed.  Take this situation and add in what has become a more extreme N family situation, and it's pretty hard to remain hopeful.  I will no doubt be starting out the new year unemployed......I can only pray I will be able to find new employment relatively soon.  I am very worried about that....but the alternative....to be treated like this every day, doesn't seem to be a good option either.

You know......in all of this, I couldn't help wonder, "Are there even more Ns in this world than I thought?" Or is this situation affecting me so negatively because I've grown up with Ns in my life making it even more difficult when you're demeaned and diminished in the workplace?  Not sure.  Maybe it's both.  But I know for sure this boss of mine is N and extremely insecure.

Well, thanks to all of you again.  I really appreciate your input and support.  I know this has happened to others, even some of you.  It's not easy, is it?  Hard not to take it personally.

[Ales2]

Hey Sun,
First of all, happy birthday. Sorry to hear it was not great and exacerbated by the problems at work. You deserve happiness in all its forms - health, family, fun and work, so sending you best wishes for wonderful things to come your way.

In answer to your question, I think what happens in recognizing Nism or bullies is that experiences in life provide filters and thats how people see and interpret the world. Once a discovery is made, a new filter appears, and that filter is a bit of an optical illusion at times, because people tend to see what they are filtering. Kind of like what Tony Robbins talks about - our reticular activating system which is simply our eyes seeing what we've suggested.  If I told you to look out for yellow VW bugs, or Arizona license plates, check out how many you'd see. And, suddenly you'd feel invaded by bugs from Arizona.

Lets both hope that if your job ends, a wonderful new one will come along, with a better environment, more money and more fulfillment for you. You deserve it all and dont let anyone suggest you settle for less.

Best, Ales

[BonesMS]

(((((((((Sun))))))))))

I'm wondering if registering at a temp agency will help in finding new employment.  In the meantime, I don't blame you for leaving.  You've done your best and enough is enough.  You can walk away with a clear conscience.

Bones

[lighter]

Sun:

Document at work.

Collect your paycheck.

Do your job.

Keep applying for other jobs.

Collect your paycheck.

At this point I hope you can gain some emotional distance, and try to look on with some amusement....... it's such an odd thing to see so many people fall under the spell of a toxic controlling PD........ people write fiction that isn't this strange, kwim?

I guess you try to rise above, ask yourself what happened to your boss, and CEO that made them the way they are, and thank God you have a grip on reality, aren't harming other people, and hopefully have your health.

There's going to be a reason you went through this, and someday it will become clear.....

keep calm, and carry, Sun.

You'll move on and find a better place.....

the PD's will always be stuck in their self manufactured hells.

Happy birthday, and remember to count your blessings.  You sounds so much stronger than when you were looking for work, and suffering very badly over FOO issues a while back. 

It sounds like you've come a long way, and this won't destroy you......

it'll just make you stronger.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

FWIW, I still think, Sun...Don't Quit Your Job.

(Maybe I'm just projecting anxieties about unemployment.)

I'd focus instead on two parallel things:

--challenging and dialing back your reactivity to this toxic supervisor's "trigger" remarks/comments/behaviors
--be aware of your verbal interpretations of these (I am humiliated, shamed, marginalized, invalidated, etc.) -- all of which in some sense require your interpretation/cooperation (the Eleanor Roosevelt thing about nobody can victimize you without your permission, or something like that)
--continue to do an excellent job without interpreting how others value or don't value it
--while all the above, seriously look for a new job in a methodical way

Enjoy your exit after you have secured a new position elsewhere...

This may be wrong. But I still think, Don't Quit. (Because the effect of unemployment on your life and your mental health could wind up being
more or less equivalent to the effect of this stressful situation.)

It's not a GOOD answer, I'm offering. I'm sorry. There may not be one.

love to you,
Hops