The pretty one

[fraidycat]

Lately I have been thinking about my n-family a lot, maybe because I know I will be seeing them for the first time in years for my normal brothers wedding in Sept. and i'm not sure how I'll handle it. Today I was thinking about one of the last days I had my n-mom come over to my house. She came over after we did some renovations many years ago, we had hardwood floors put in as well as many other changes. She wasn't impressed with all the work we put into it at all, in fact she was discouraging until we told her everyone else loved what we had done then she thought it was great. The wood we chose was different.. tiger wood, every board has a slightly different look. N-mom walked in and actually picked out her favorite floor board and said "I like this one!... it's the pretty one!" It made me laugh because that's how she chose her golden children. It's all about looks with her. I always wanted to be one of the chosen ones when I was younger, one of her favorites because they were treated so much better and she showed them what I thought was love instead of the contempt and hatred that she showed me. Now I realize they suffered the most because the irrational sense of entitlement that mom put on them that grew into a personality disorders. They had to put up a false image instead of finding out who the really were. It's sad, it didn't have to be this way but I am grateful that I wasn't her pretty one.

[Twoapenny]

((((((((((((((((((((((((Fraidy)))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It's so wrong, isn't it?  Funnily enough, I was the golden child when I was younger (although I never thought I was pretty - quite the opposite in fact).  But I moulded myself into being what she wanted to be and when I started trying to assert myself nearly thirty years later she dropped me like a tonne of bricks and switched her attention to my sister, whom she'd always treated with contempt and disdain.  I became the scapegoat for everything that is wrong with that family (and boy, that is a long list) and my sister, deprived so long for any kind of positive attention from our mother, lapped it up and has become her closest ally and fellow persecutor of me.

It's such a damaging family dynmamic and such an invisible one, as well.  I am very glad you picked out tiger wood - telling, I think, that your favourite thing is individual, untameable and named after something so strong and powerful.  No wonder your mum didn't like it!

How are you feeling about attending the wedding that they will all be at? xx

[Hopalong]

Me too, like Tupp, I love the symbolism of the wood you chose.
I bet it's beautiful.

I am just not hearing you live up to your profile name, FC...I'm imagining no cowering kitty but a mature, seasoned adult going to that wedding. I imagine you'll see them with a touch of compassion this time, and also be feeling a little like Teflon. Whatever Nwebs get spun may touch you, and like any Bengal tiger, you'll just walk right on.

Tawk abouwt mixed metaphors, but was fun.

I hope it goes well and you find yourself less and less sad, and more and more Big Feline.

xo
Hops

[fraidycat]

I love the connection you both make about the wood choice, it made my day. I never thought about it that way.

Twoapenny, I can really resonate with the way you were treated when you asserted yourself, that's when N-mom turned on me and my normal brother too. I was never favored.. just used, he was a golden child but has morals. We both put our foot down in our separate ways and didn't put up with her. Your sisters reaction to suddenly being number one is so much like my younger N-sisters and n-brothers (both scapegoats). N-mom went back and forth with her golden children and scapegoats between her 5 children, it was confusing and scary for me whenever she was suddenly nice. My younger N-sister and brother lapped it up like your sister too. My older N-sister had no reason to change, she was always favored and never crossed the line to independence maybe because she had all of mom's support, it benefited her. She has a horrible reputation with everyone she's ever dealt with and needed someone to make excuses for her and boost her reputation. Mom was the only one who could or would do that for her and somehow it worked.

 Hops, that little fraidycat is a big part of my past, I've grown a lot stronger over the years but I'll never forget. It's part of who I am and how far I've come. Your metaphors made me laugh. "A touch of compassion & a little like Teflon" right on spot! Hahha

With all of these people coming together I am nervous about seeing them and their families. I really think deep down they hate each other but wouldn't hesitate to gang up to make it uncomfortable for me. Luckily the reception is in an art museum so Ill have something to occupy myself so it's not too awkward and I have time to work on my armor of indifference.

Thank you both

[Twoapenny]

Hi Fraidy,

Yes, the whole family dynamic is really weird, isn't it.  My younger sister is now in the position I used to hold.  On the surface it seems that she gets all the help, support and praise - that's how it looked on the outside when I was younger and I was the one that seemed to get all the good stuff.  But it is conditional on complete obedience, a complete absence of your own personality and the need to construct your whole life around her and the fantasy that she lives in.

I didn't understand any of this stuff when I first stood up to her.  All I knew was that I voiced my opinion a couple of times and told her I wasn't willing to put up with a number of things anymore and I unleashed a decade of hellfire and brimstone from her.  I think maybe it's mostly because reality rocks the fantasy she lives in and she can't cope with that - I think the reality of her life is too scary for her to contemplate.  So in the same way that I would fight to the death to defend my son, I think she's willing to fight that fiercely to cling on to her version of what is true.  She's always believed that my step-dad and she are in this amazingly powerful, loving relationship, that he chose her over all others, that their love was so strong they couldn't fight it and various other nonsenses.  In truth, he never stopped sleeping around, she just chose not to see it, just as she chose not to see him abuse her kids.

Sometimes I feel sorry for my younger sister, sometimes I despise her.  Her house is identical to my mums, right down to the paint on the walls and the colour of the sofa.  She couldn't afford the same car as my mum but bought the one nearest to it that she could.  As you say about your NSis, she was never very well liked at work and was known as a grass - other staff would cover for someone if they'd nipped out for a ciggie but she'd go and find a manager to tell them.  She seems to delight in getting one over on someone.  My mum was always very like that as well.

I love the idea of having a wedding in an art gallery!  Will there be anyone else there who you know will be alright to chat to?  I always had an uncle who would happily chat to a plant pot if necessary and kept out of the entangling that goes on.  But being able to wander around looking at pictures will be a good distraction either way.

[SilverLining]

. N-mom walked in and actually picked out her favorite floor board and said "I like this one!... it's the pretty one!"

Hi  FC.   They really are big on making absurd distinctions in order to prop themselves up.   A favorite floor board?   

I suppose it gives them a feeling of power and authority.  They are the ones who get to decide which is the pretty one and then present this as objective truth.   They are the masters in their little N reality.   Everybody else is just a prop.

I hear this kind from stuff from my circle of N's all the time.  It's an endless litany of what they like and don't like, what they are for and against.   And there's the tendency to  present these distinctions as if it's some sort of ultimate answer.  There is no opening for other opinions or reciprocal discussion.   

[fraidycat]

So true, I can relate and completely agree with all of your responses. I love the clarity, it really helps me.

Reality doesn't matter to them, upholding a false image is more important than the truth or family. Their opinions are stated as if they are facts and if you dare to disagree they'll take it out on you. It always seemed like brainwashing to me. If N-mom didn't think you were on the same page with her thoughts and opinions she would either ridicule, punish or repeat her opinions over and over until she was convinced that it stuck.

Unfortunately we won't know anyone else going to the wedding unless my brother invites my three cousins on Dad's side. Two are okay but we don't know them well the other is siding with my n-mom. The last time I talked to her she called to pump me for info about my family then when she got what she wanted started attacking me so I hung up on her. Knowing the N's in the family they will try to pull everyone in my family away from me so I won't have anyone to talk to, if it happens the museum is a good outlet. Plus my brother plans on booking us all in the same hotel. I might have to do some research on the area and check my options.

[fraidycat]

I'm puzzled about why Teartracks post on this thread with Dr. G's link disappeared. I wondered if I may have deleted it on accident, I don't think so but if I did wouldn't I have gotten a message asking "Are you sure you wan't to delete" ? I'm not sure how this works but I know tt didn't delete it. I'm just trying to understand and clear things up.

[fraidycat]

Understandable tt, I'm glad we could clear it up. I had a root canal done a few years ago, you have my sympathy the days leading up to it were more painful than child birth for me. I hope you have an easy recovery. Thanks for explaining I was second guessing myself too. Take care and feel better.

Fraidy