Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on June 26, 2014, 11:29:53 PM ---I LOVE that book. I used to read it almost every year, date my underlines and notes. Similar to you I found that different things jumped out at me each time I read it. In the late 80s, John Bradshaw had a television show. At the time I was involved with Al Anon having discovered my mother's alcoholism. Those two things were important openings into my journey. From Bradshaw I learned that I was indeed operating out of toxic shame but it would take me years and years to a) understand the depths of how debilitating that has been for me and b) to figure out what to do about it.
Your last sentence is right on. It never ceases to amaze me.
--- End quote ---
Ah yes, the doing part is so much harder than the understanding part! A friend of mine says she found therapy quite destructive - someone takes you into a room, shows you your family are dysfunctional, shows you you're dysfunctional, shows you you married your husband because you have issues with your dad, took on your job because it satisfied some of your dysfunctional needs, raised your kids a certain way to get back at your mum - but then can't do anything about fixing any of it. I can see what she means; I feel better as a person since getting out of my family situation but the loneliness and uncertainty (not to mention the pain) along the way have been truly testing (and still are, at times). Sometimes it feels like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire.
But I think we all know if we feel unhappy at our core, I suppose different people deal with it in different ways and we all seem to be the sort that would rather uncover the grim stuff and deal with it, however hard it might be.
Twoapenny:
Just one of my stream of consciousness rambles about something I noticed today and wanted to write down:
Today is quite busy in an at home way. We've been out a lot this week so lots of jobs at home haven't been done. I'm very tired, as is my boy, and I feel a bit under the weather. We've new bedroom furniture being delivered this afternoon so I've been cleaning and clearing out the old stuff ready for the new stuff to come.
I've been moaning and complaining to myself, endlessly berating everyone in my head, really being negative and almost causing arguments with myself, if that makes any sense. I actually stopped myself and said outloud "What the f are you doing, Tup?"
What I think is - there are lots of imperfections today, as lots hasn't been done. This, I always feel, leaves me feeling open to attack - if it's not perfect, someone's going to moan. This, in turn, I think makes me start berating everyone else, because everything would be perfect if other people helped me. That in turn makes me feel lonely and unloved and then it just excalates into this whole downward spiral. I don't think I'm thinking any of that on a conscious level, it just sort of feels like that's what's going on. It sort of links back to my earlier post as well, on how I have to criticise others because I feel bad when I say no. I think this is the same thing - I feel shockingly ashamed because things aren't perfect and then lash out at everyone else as if it's their fault (only I'm just lashing out in my head, I'm not actually talking to anyone).
So this focus, I suppose, is to stop letting myself feel ashamed for just being normal?
Just writing it down before I forget it!
Gaining Strength:
Twoapenny, I could have written that myself! It makes me giddy to see I am not alone. I really should be horrified that you are having such a terrible experience - it is truly horrible - but I am finding that by "witnessing" that crazy process and identifying it as coming from previous woundings, the behaviour is beginning to shift, ever so incrementally. Bit by bit, it is shifting.
Thank you for sharing. It touches me deeply.
Hopalong:
For some reason I'm remembering some woman from years ago (but not the exact situation) who taught me something, or who demonstrated...radically befriending yourself.
Maybe it was in a workshop, or something.
But she was modeling how literally and effortfully (at first) she would pause about situations and people, and always, always, check in with herself and respect what her own needs were. After some very intentional laborious and jerky practice for a long time, it became second nature.
And then she went around looking serene not because she was a good actor, but because it was real. She was at peace in her own company, and loved other people, but was fine either way. So she weathered a lot of fears and disappointments way way easier.
xo
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on June 28, 2014, 12:37:58 AM ---Twoapenny, I could have written that myself! It makes me giddy to see I am not alone. I really should be horrified that you are having such a terrible experience - it is truly horrible - but I am finding that by "witnessing" that crazy process and identifying it as coming from previous woundings, the behaviour is beginning to shift, ever so incrementally. Bit by bit, it is shifting.
Thank you for sharing. It touches me deeply.
--- End quote ---
GS, thanks, I'm really glad it has hel[ped, it's what I like about this board, that we can pool our resources and help each other out. It's funny, isn't it, how you suddenly notice something and, as you say, once you've seen it, it starts to move.
I am making a really concerted effort now NOT TO BE LIKE MY MUM! She is so meticulous (and I want to say at this point I'm not criticising that in anyone else, we're all different, but I am naturally a scatty mare), she makes endless lists and everything is always done. She never forgets anything, never fails to think ahead, never runs out of anything, has never had to use kitchen towel in the bathroom because she ran out of loo roll. And I can constantly hear the endless nickpicking in my head of every single thing I haven't done or haven't done properly and it does make me feel constantly ashamed. And I didn't realise before that I felt so ashamed about not doing perfectly a load of stuff that isn't important to me. I've already done the important things this morning - I made my son a good breakfast (we used to get a cup of tea and a biscuit), we've had a game of Scrabble, read a story and now he's gone back to sleep (he had a bad night so was really tired). I tucked him up and told him I loved him and now he's having a snooze. I did all that and I feel happy :) The dishes are still unwashed and I'm not dressed and yet I'm sitting here writing about my FEELINGS!!! It feels really good. Thank you :)
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