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Hopalong:
Absolutely, Tupp...I slip back.
I do find that my lapses (which I don't expect to ever be entirely gone, perfection ain't possible) are shorter than they used to be.
I'll get lost in my own forest but I usually can see the light streaming, and still know it's there.
Sometimes there's no path but blundering will get me back to light anyway. That's grace. Or luck.
I know what you mean about the critical self-talk, and yes you DO need to be kinder to yourself!
I think being judgmental (which I was steeped in from my upbringing) is very similar to the feelings you have when you say No.
It's like...I want to recoil from or reject or hide from this person, and I can't just go and DO THAT, if it's what I sense is good for me.
I have to have a REASON. And it needs to be a big one.
On go the robes and out comes my inner judge.
Bleaaaggggghhhh. One of my least-favorite parts.
Ain't nobody I judge more harshly than myself though.
But that's too painful. So it's easier to distract myself from my own struggle to accept myself
and get busy judging, so I can focus on how I'm not accepting somebody else.
Once I spot it, I do thwack it as hard as I can.
And it doesn't dominate my thinking.
But when I feel unjustly treated...as by my Nboss...oh if he knew the thoughts I had
about him. (Of course, that wouldn't really matter to him, since Ns are impervious.)
I know how toxic it feels, to feel judgmental. And so I'm very very grateful that
it isn't often and it doesn't drive me. I know during my younger years when it did,
that it was a protective measure. Didn't make it any prettier inside, though.
Every single time I have a judgmental thought, if I just replace it with compassion,
it's gone. Poof.
xo
Hops
Gaining Strength:
Twoapenny, I've just read your post about your sometimes reaction to being asked to do something. I completely get that. My father's strong reactions have governed so much in my life. I was recently trying to explain to my child how my father would hold me responsible for other people's actions and it had a power over me generating huge amounts of anxiety and often angry bursts. E.g., is a stranger did something that in my youth would cause my father to rage at me, I can find myself getting angry. For years people be flummoxed by my reaction, telling me it had nothing to do with me. I was oblivious to what unconscious forces were at work until fairly recently.
I'm so glad you can now see that you are reacting to your mother and not the person standing in front of you. What a great relief.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on June 24, 2014, 09:58:43 AM ---Absolutely, Tupp...I slip back.
I do find that my lapses (which I don't expect to ever be entirely gone, perfection ain't possible) are shorter than they used to be.
I'll get lost in my own forest but I usually can see the light streaming, and still know it's there.
Sometimes there's no path but blundering will get me back to light anyway. That's grace. Or luck.
I know what you mean about the critical self-talk, and yes you DO need to be kinder to yourself!
I think being judgmental (which I was steeped in from my upbringing) is very similar to the feelings you have when you say No.
It's like...I want to recoil from or reject or hide from this person, and I can't just go and DO THAT, if it's what I sense is good for me.
I have to have a REASON. And it needs to be a big one.
On go the robes and out comes my inner judge.
Bleaaaggggghhhh. One of my least-favorite parts.
Ain't nobody I judge more harshly than myself though.
But that's too painful. So it's easier to distract myself from my own struggle to accept myself
and get busy judging, so I can focus on how I'm not accepting somebody else.
Once I spot it, I do thwack it as hard as I can.
And it doesn't dominate my thinking.
But when I feel unjustly treated...as by my Nboss...oh if he knew the thoughts I had
about him. (Of course, that wouldn't really matter to him, since Ns are impervious.)
I know how toxic it feels, to feel judgmental. And so I'm very very grateful that
it isn't often and it doesn't drive me. I know during my younger years when it did,
that it was a protective measure. Didn't make it any prettier inside, though.
Every single time I have a judgmental thought, if I just replace it with compassion,
it's gone. Poof.
xo
Hops
--- End quote ---
Hey Hops, thank you for that. It helps to know that others also have to keep pushing and tweaking and getting back on the wagon.
I completely understand what you say about replacing judgement with compassion. I think my sticky point there is my difficulty with boundaries and my co-dependency stuff. If I understand or empathise, I also feel I need to leap in with both feet and solve everyone's situations. I've had to really work on that but I think I'm getting the hang of it now. I have found more recently that I am able to empathise with my mum, which I never thought I'd be able to do. But I wonder if I've got past enough of my own stuff now to be getting to a point where it doesn't hurt as much and I can see the terribly abused and frightened child that she was that grew into this terribly abusive and vindictive woman. I have always been frightened of getting caught in my mum's web again, and being very critical and judgemental of her helped to stop that from happening and kept me focused on what I needed to do for me, instead of thinking about her. But with other people I think it's more like you say, I focus on their imperfections to avoid accepting my own. So trying to be more accepting in general is high on my list now and, as you say, feeling able to say no without needing to have a huge reason or justification for doing so. Thank you xx
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on June 24, 2014, 11:54:35 AM ---Twoapenny, I've just read your post about your sometimes reaction to being asked to do something. I completely get that. My father's strong reactions have governed so much in my life. I was recently trying to explain to my child how my father would hold me responsible for other people's actions and it had a power over me generating huge amounts of anxiety and often angry bursts. E.g., is a stranger did something that in my youth would cause my father to rage at me, I can find myself getting angry. For years people be flummoxed by my reaction, telling me it had nothing to do with me. I was oblivious to what unconscious forces were at work until fairly recently.
I'm so glad you can now see that you are reacting to your mother and not the person standing in front of you. What a great relief.
--- End quote ---
Hi GS, yes, I completely understand what you are saying. I have a book, 'Healing the Shame That Binds You' by John Bradshaw, and it's the sort of self help book I find I get very different things from when I read it at different times, presumably because what I'm working on has changed and different things jump out at me. At the minute I'm finding his stuff about projection very useful, he talks about other people placing their shame onto someone else (usually an adult to a child in the scenarios he's talking about). It's really resonating at the minute, I can see how much of my mum's unresolved issues I simply took on as my own and just absorbed, and have now lived forty years by. It's very strange, but a situation can occur and I have an immediate reaction and it's definitely my mum reacting to it, not me. So I'm really working now on trying to have my own responses (sounds daft, I know). So I really understand about what say about reactions you have seeming out of context to others, they are experiencing it in a different way to you. It is odd how we can not notice things for so many years and then suddenly they're right in front of us.
Gaining Strength:
I LOVE that book. I used to read it almost every year, date my underlines and notes. Similar to you I found that different things jumped out at me each time I read it. In the late 80s, John Bradshaw had a television show. At the time I was involved with Al Anon having discovered my mother's alcoholism. Those two things were important openings into my journey. From Bradshaw I learned that I was indeed operating out of toxic shame but it would take me years and years to a) understand the depths of how debilitating that has been for me and b) to figure out what to do about it.
Your last sentence is right on. It never ceases to amaze me.
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