Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Twoapenny:
Exactly, Lighter, I think at least if you know what you don't want you can start looking around for something else. I think also that as many of us have never known anything else it's hard to know what we do want as we've no experience of it. And when you're in that odd situation where someone being nice to you actually feels uncomfortable, or you assume that whatever comes your way it will be conditional or have a sting in its tail it's no wonder we don't know what to do.
Here's to moving forward and welcoming good people into our lives :)
Meh:
Well, I guess we also don't know how relationships are going to turn out years down the road. Looking back we may be able to see it, though when it begins who knows right... It often feels to me like most adults are busy with their family/children/spouse and friendship really is an after though, as if it's less significant than it was in high school. Lots of people also make friends easily wherever they go. A co-worker of mine was very friendly with me at work, would eat lunch with me etc. Though I sent her an email because we exchanged e-mails and she never did reply. She doesn't work there anymore luckily for her she moved on to something better I am sure. But for her it was more of a work-place alliance then any other kind of friendship. Since she doesn't work their anymore my purpose is null.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Green Bean on August 11, 2013, 03:34:51 PM ---Well, I guess we also don't know how relationships are going to turn out years down the road. Looking back we may be able to see it, though when it begins who knows right... It often feels to me like most adults are busy with their family/children/spouse and friendship really is an after though, as if it's less significant than it was in high school. Lots of people also make friends easily wherever they go. A co-worker of mine was very friendly with me at work, would eat lunch with me etc. Though I sent her an email because we exchanged e-mails and she never did reply. She doesn't work there anymore luckily for her she moved on to something better I am sure. But for her it was more of a work-place alliance then any other kind of friendship. Since she doesn't work their anymore my purpose is null.
--- End quote ---
Hey Green, yep, that sort of thing has happened to me over and over again. It's what I'm trying to avoid now but it's difficult, you don't want to be suspicious of people?! I think I'm trying to sound people out more now, so for example I was meeting with some mums at our kids swimming lesson - just circumstantial, as we were all there anyway. I suggested meeting an hour earlier for coffee and we do that now, but again it's not an effort for anyone because we're all there anyway, so I've tried out meeting up over the holidays and that's working out really well. Situations I've been in in the past would have been me leaving a message or suggesting a get together, for example, and no-one getting back to me on it, then after the holiday saying 'oh I was too busy' but then wanting to chat because you're in the same place and it's better than them sitting alone. So I'm glad with the way things are working out at the moment, although I still find it odd that I have to think about making friends with people and getting to know them, it seems strange that something that I'd always thought happened naturally needs work :o
I've also noticed a difference in my two groups of friends (or people I know) in what I think of as my before and after periods of 'sorting myself out'. I'm organising a little bash this coming weekend for my birthday, a summer get together in the park, all very relaxed and informal. The 'before sorting myself out' people have on the whole either turned their nose up or not replied to my invite. The 'after sorting myself out people' have generally all replied straight away and are really up for it. It's quite interesting to see how different people respond to the same situation.
Hopalong:
What fascinates me about that friend I was talking about, is that nearly every time I reach a point of really letting her go, internally, she reaches out again. Just happened!
I am no longer angry. But I feel a new distance and my hope is that when we do get together, I'll do a lot more observing of my core self. What am I reacting to? What offers, gestures, signals is she giving me that previously made me lose track of my healthy balance, and boundaries?
She wrote an email: "I miss you...and want to meet your sweet dog..." and wanted to get together "soon."
I am pretty busy for the next week or so so picked a date later in the month.
I don't want to discard her, or to escalate my internal struggle into focusing on judging and blaming. But I do want to see her through fresh eyes. And I'm grateful for this thread, Tupp, because it's giving me a sense of strength in approaching this particular friendship. I need to not re-enact my old sock-monkey-with-Nmother stuff, and I believe that's exactly what had been happening in that relationship.
Remains to be seen if it can be re-created as a reciprocal relationship. Probably not. More likely it'll be present intermittently as a much more superficial relationship than will really be interesting to me. I think that's what's most likely. And that's okay, because she's part of my church extended famiily. So my job is to be at peace with loss and disappointment, let it evolve into a different form, and especially, not confuse it with original wouNds.
Thanks for sharing on all this.
And Lighter, thank you for the "friends are people who FEED you...with their time and care" observation. So simple and clear.
love to all-
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on August 13, 2013, 08:17:24 AM ---What fascinates me about that friend I was talking about, is that nearly every time I reach a point of really letting her go, internally, she reaches out again. Just happened!
I am no longer angry. But I feel a new distance and my hope is that when we do get together, I'll do a lot more observing of my core self. What am I reacting to? What offers, gestures, signals is she giving me that previously made me lose track of my healthy balance, and boundaries?
She wrote an email: "I miss you...and want to meet your sweet dog..." and wanted to get together "soon."
I am pretty busy for the next week or so so picked a date later in the month.
I don't want to discard her, or to escalate my internal struggle into focusing on judging and blaming. But I do want to see her through fresh eyes. And I'm grateful for this thread, Tupp, because it's giving me a sense of strength in approaching this particular friendship. I need to not re-enact my old sock-monkey-with-Nmother stuff, and I believe that's exactly what had been happening in that relationship.
Remains to be seen if it can be re-created as a reciprocal relationship. Probably not. More likely it'll be present intermittently as a much more superficial relationship than will really be interesting to me. I think that's what's most likely. And that's okay, because she's part of my church extended famiily. So my job is to be at peace with loss and disappointment, let it evolve into a different form, and especially, not confuse it with original wouNds.
Thanks for sharing on all this.
And Lighter, thank you for the "friends are people who FEED you...with their time and care" observation. So simple and clear.
love to all-
Hops
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Hi Hopsie,
Yes, I have a friend who is very like that! it reminds me of that book A fine Romance, you know when she talks about the Switch? When one pulls away the other comes closer again. I don't know if that applies to friendships as well but it's what keeps popping into my head when that situation comes up. But I think a friendship under new terms can be a good thing, I'm starting to see that some friendships that were once close aren't any more but can quite happily be coffee twice a year type friendships if you know what I mean? And I can completely relate to what you say about observing yourself in these situations, what you react to, how you respond and so on. I've a feeling with some friends I'm a bit like a comfy old coat that they don't wear that often but don't want to do without just in case. I suppose the question is what we need from our friendships and I guess we need less from some than from others? I'm really glad you've found the thread helpful; I find this board just so good for helping me sift through what's going on in my head and it feels so safe, I feel that even if I say something stupid no-one judges me and that's very special :)
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