Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
lighter:
Hi Tupp:
It sounds like you're mindfully leaning into new ways of relating with others.
Sure, it's going to be uncomfortable letting someone else do all the work at Christmas, but look at it this way:
1) you can jump in and help out in the ways that make you feel good, and surely it will be appreciated;
2) it's OK to let others do for you.... it feels good for them, just like it feels good for you to do for others,kwim?
It's hard to get used to having others do for you. Uncomfortable, I know,but necessary if you're going to have reciprocal relationships going forward.
As for the swim moms, that does sound a bit strange, but it doesn't mean it's about you. Everyone has dragons to slay, and everyone has ups and downs. Sometimes the scary parts of our lives triggers other people's fears about what might happen to them. You just don't know, so best not to conjure up the worst, kwim?
So glad to read your update, Tupp: )
Lighter
Hopalong:
This is really good Lighter...
--- Quote ---it feels good for them, just like it feels good for you to do for others
--- End quote ---
Tupp, I think your "uneasy" is a feeling to recognize is like drizzle, weather wise. It's just weather.
I think it's a false alarm, just some residue from old fears.
You can be disappointed and you will be, because NO friend, old or new, will be perfect.
But ... you have to relax enough to let good happen. Just hold it lightly.
When good happens, it isn't the answer to everything. It doesn't hold dramatic meaning.
It's just...good. Okay to enjoy it, receive it, let it come, and let it go again.
You deserve some good but there's no mysterious quota of good that you'll get or lose
or capture or keep or have a little or have a lot of. There's no quota, nobody's dishing it out
or taking it back.
It's just you moving through the world, maybe a little more receptive to letting good happen to you.
Hope you can enjoy it!
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
Thanks, you two! I find I struggle with people a lot more when I'm finding life difficult in general. I just get really annoyed over little things. I start to feel like I'm kept in a little box, waiting for someone to take me out and play with me for a while, then put me away again when they're done.
A friend I haven't heard from in almost a year rang wanting to get together. I just don't feel connections with people I don't speak to regularly any more. I couldn't make the date she suggested and now she keeps phoning wanting to sort something out. I'm torn between telling the truth and just ignoring her until she stops ringing. Telling the truth feels like the right thing to do. But I know from past experience telling the truth usually leads to loads more hassle, which puts me off.
Another friend made arrangements for a day out, then wanted to change all the arrangements because other plans had changed and she wanted to do other stuff as well. It really irritated me, far more than it should have done, really. I didn't change, instead we cancelled. I just feel like it's always me that is flexible and keeps changing things. I find it really tiring.
Another friend took two weeks to get back to me about something and then wanted to do it straight away. I don't know how to explain how I feel, I know it's out of proportion to what's actually happening but I feel constantly invisible and then expected to perform. I feel so lonely but then I find being around people such hard work that I just don't want to do it a lot of the time.
Sorry, just needed a moan.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on October 31, 2013, 04:34:08 AM ---Thanks, you two! I find I struggle with people a lot more when I'm finding life difficult in general. I just get really annoyed over little things. I start to feel like I'm kept in a little box, waiting for someone to take me out and play with me for a while, then put me away again when they're done.
A friend I haven't heard from in almost a year rang wanting to get together. I just don't feel connections with people I don't speak to regularly any more. I couldn't make the date she suggested and now she keeps phoning wanting to sort something out. I'm torn between telling the truth and just ignoring her until she stops ringing. Telling the truth feels like the right thing to do. But I know from past experience telling the truth usually leads to loads more hassle, which puts me off.
Another friend made arrangements for a day out, then wanted to change all the arrangements because other plans had changed and she wanted to do other stuff as well. It really irritated me, far more than it should have done, really. I didn't change, instead we cancelled. I just feel like it's always me that is flexible and keeps changing things. I find it really tiring.
Another friend took two weeks to get back to me about something and then wanted to do it straight away. I don't know how to explain how I feel, I know it's out of proportion to what's actually happening but I feel constantly invisible and then expected to perform. I feel so lonely but then I find being around people such hard work that I just don't want to do it a lot of the time.
Sorry, just needed a moan.
--- End quote ---
Tupp,
You're not alone. I'm struggling with that now, too.
It feels like....."If someone can't U-u-u-se me, then they have NO USE for me!" I'm invisible until they want something. Then once they get what THEY WANT, then I'm told to "get lost".
Know what I mean?
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on October 31, 2013, 04:50:55 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on October 31, 2013, 04:34:08 AM ---Thanks, you two! I find I struggle with people a lot more when I'm finding life difficult in general. I just get really annoyed over little things. I start to feel like I'm kept in a little box, waiting for someone to take me out and play with me for a while, then put me away again when they're done.
A friend I haven't heard from in almost a year rang wanting to get together. I just don't feel connections with people I don't speak to regularly any more. I couldn't make the date she suggested and now she keeps phoning wanting to sort something out. I'm torn between telling the truth and just ignoring her until she stops ringing. Telling the truth feels like the right thing to do. But I know from past experience telling the truth usually leads to loads more hassle, which puts me off.
Another friend made arrangements for a day out, then wanted to change all the arrangements because other plans had changed and she wanted to do other stuff as well. It really irritated me, far more than it should have done, really. I didn't change, instead we cancelled. I just feel like it's always me that is flexible and keeps changing things. I find it really tiring.
Another friend took two weeks to get back to me about something and then wanted to do it straight away. I don't know how to explain how I feel, I know it's out of proportion to what's actually happening but I feel constantly invisible and then expected to perform. I feel so lonely but then I find being around people such hard work that I just don't want to do it a lot of the time.
Sorry, just needed a moan.
--- End quote ---
Tupp,
You're not alone. I'm struggling with that now, too.
It feels like....."If someone can't U-u-u-se me, then they have NO USE for me!" I'm invisible until they want something. Then once they get what THEY WANT, then I'm told to "get lost".
Know what I mean?
--- End quote ---
I do Bonesie, I do.
It's one of those things that I struggle with. I know I am very sensitive to other people - overly so, in some cases. And I do understand and appreciate that most people have busy lives and are juggling jobs, kids, family, chores and have their own problems to deal with as well. So I try not to focus on it all too much. And I suppose that not having a family or a partner means that I do want more from my friends than other people do, perhaps? I don't know. But at the minute it all feels like too much of an effort.
There's a chap who runs one of the groups we go to, it's a sports group for disabled people. This chap is ex-army and so very hot on people being on time and being where they're supposed to be. He can't understand how people can live their lives not being in the right place at the right time. I feel a bit like that. I don't get why it's impossible for some people to return a phone call or let me know whether or not they want to do something. I don't mean instantly, but I think within a week is reasonable in most circumstances, particularly as we now have phone, text and email. I don't get people changing arrangements that have already been organised for their convenience. In an emergency it's perfectly understandable but other than that I just find it annoying. And I've just got to a point where I feel like I can't be arsed with it. Partly because I do find I'm quite an out of sight, out of mind person. If I don't hear back I start focusing on something else. Then when they do call I sort of feel like I've moved past that point. I don't really know how to explain it.
Anyhow. Sorry again for all the moaning! Are you feeling any better yet?
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