Preparing to be assertive!

[Twoapenny]

Hi all

Well, as some of you know we are in the midst of possible legal action regarding my son and medical negligence.  I have been following both Izzie and Lighter's threads and one thing that has struck me is the need to be on top of things and keep on at solicitors and other professionals.

I am not good at being assertive, particularly with people in power or authority.  I find it hard to stand my ground or say my piece.  I was very disappointed to find out this week that something essential hasn't been done and some questions that I asked went unanswered.

So this weekend's lesson in being assertive is to write to my sol with my concerns about the situation, make it clear that I am not happy and do not want things to continue this way and to state clearly that I want my unanswered questions answered.

Eek!  Makes me feel ill just thinking about it.  But needs to be done, I need to learn how to do this stuff.  So will let you know how I get on with it.

Also had another weird dream last night and woke up realising that I am allowed to say no.  As a child I couldn't say no, that wasn't allowed at all.  I'm an adult now.  I need to get my head around that and start reacting as a well educated, independent, capable woman, not like a five year old who knows she'll be in trouble if she doesn't do what someone else wants.

More eek!  But remembering "oh" and "don't take it personally"  

[Izzy_*now*]

Good Luck to you, twoapenny,

It is far easier to be assertive when you know the truth, or have proof of the truth, whether it be receipts or invoices, or the Daily Journal you will keep about all the relevant occurrences.

My pain journal is 4 years long, and it was difficult to stop entering notes, which are now irrelevant. I have every email to and from and in it's own Folder. When a question arose I would go to my Journal, search for the "word", see the date and then go to emails in that date area. That, in particular, made me feel more in control of answers, especially as the years passed.

xx
Izzy

[lighter]

I wish I was as organized as you, Izz.

Tupp.... you get'em girl!

Don't ask.....

don't get.  That's saying for a reason, and the DA does respond to pressure, calls, and constant requests for action, IME.

Light

[Overcomer]

Pretend like you have been giving a terminal cancer diagnosis.  That is when my filters went down.  What are they going to do, kill me?

Now I say anything I want to anyone I want!

It is liberating!  Who cares if they like you?

[Twoapenny]

Good Luck to you, twoapenny,

It is far easier to be assertive when you know the truth, or have proof of the truth, whether it be receipts or invoices, or the Daily Journal you will keep about all the relevant occurrences.

My pain journal is 4 years long, and it was difficult to stop entering notes, which are now irrelevant. I have every email to and from and in it's own Folder. When a question arose I would go to my Journal, search for the "word", see the date and then go to emails in that date area. That, in particular, made me feel more in control of answers, especially as the years passed.

xx
Izzy

Hi Izzy,

Thank you!  I know what you mean about paperwork/proof etc - I probably have kept too much but I would rather end up burning a couple of boxes of stuff that doesn't get used than realise I've chucked something I could have used.  Although it isn't as well organised as it seems yours is!  I do love the ease of communicating via email, so quick and ready made copies with the time and date on them

I wish I was as organized as you, Izz.

Tupp.... you get'em girl!

Don't ask.....

don't get.  That's saying for a reason, and the DA does respond to pressure, calls, and constant requests for action, IME.

Light

Thanks, Lighter.  I hadn't chased him up about this at all.  I was given a rough time frame which meant we should have known about now whether or not we had a case.  With that in mind, I emailed him a couple of questions about something else I want to look into, based on the assumption that he had a good idea now of how our case is shaping up, only to be told he's done nothing.  Sometimes it's things like this that throw a curved ball - I trusted him to do his job properly without me having to be on his case or check over his shoulder (other people's responsibility, giving up control, trusting in others to do what they need to, etc, etc - plus the guy charges a fortune) - only to discover he's done nothing and we're no further on now than we were a year ago (other than the bits I have done myself).  So I do need to start insisting on monthly updates and make sure he's doing what he needs to.  Sheesh.  He's on the big bucks and I'm doing the work.  Perhaps I need to retrain?

Thank you, Overcomer, it's difficult, isn't it?  I'd never be that slack if someone were relying on me because I wouldn't like them to think badly of me, then I find it didn't happen because I don't like being pushy   Ironic.  Will get on the case over the weekend

[sKePTiKal]

This part's easier than some others, for me.

You've got to tell people what you expect, what you want... otherwise, you're expecting them to mind-read (and that NEVER works like it does in the movies! LOL) And I find I have to change my ideas about that action... it's not demanding, B*tchy, whiny, or any of that.

It's the not speaking up part, that I realize (all these years later), that's presumptious, assuming, and unfair.

[Twoapenny]

Well I thought I would update this a little as things are going well, although not as expected!

I decided that the firm I had instructed were not the right people to be doing this.  This is my fault; I didn't do enough research or ask enough questions before instructing them.  Valuable lesson learned and not a mistake that I will be making again.

I also decided that my focus in this needs to be my son's health, rather than the legal case.  Although I hope both will come to fruition in time, his health must take priority and I can't manage both at the same time.  So the legal case is on hold, probably until next year, when I'll start looking for a better, more appropriate firm to take it on.

Some of the information that came to light via the previous firm may have some bearing on my son's health problems.  In order to get the assessments done I had to go back to the doctor.  I generally avoid anything to do with the public sector (which in the UK is pretty much everything) because I'm so scared of the false accusations coming up again and a re-run of what happened to us last time, which went on for years and caused so many problems for both of us.  But ......... I wrote down everything that was relevant, saw the GP, spoke openly and honestly about what I feel we need now and he was very understanding and supportive and put some referrals in for us.  It's the start of a long process, but we are over the first hurdle and now waiting to see what happens next.

I am still tracking down old records and have had a lot of problems in this area over the years.  But I have tracked down a set that has been missing for a long time and am going to see them tomorrow.  I wrote a long letter explaining everything that's happened and what I am trying to do to get the records corrected.  Again, the lady was very nice and understanding and didn't seem surprised - I'm wondering if she had an idea of what had gone on because something in those records doesn't fit?  I will find out tomorrow.

Stage three was contacting social services today.  I have been so scared of going near them for so many years now that it has taken me three months to build up the courage to make that call today.  All it was is to get my son a card that gets him free swimming; we can go more often if I don't have to pay for it but I've been too scared to ask.  I find talking on the phone particularly scary as people have lied in the past about what I did or didn't say, so I generally try to put things in writing.  I explained to the guy about what had happened before and that I was worried that our records were wrong.  He was very understanding, has asked me to write in with all the information so that he can update the file and then amazed me by saying that malicious referrals were very common and that is was usually family that made them!

All in all it feels like better people are coming our way, so fingers crossed that continues and things get resolved in some way at some point.

[Hopalong]

awwww Tupp, that's WONDERFUL.

I admire it so much when people recognize their own small steps and report on them, and even give themselves a much-deserved pat on the back for confronting fears and pushing through....

BRAVO.

xo
Hops

[lighter]

Tupp:

No sound lucid, focused and on point.

No vengeful agenda, but your son's health as priority...... knowing how to take stock of your reserves, abilities and resources is important and just what you're doing, IMO.  Wise Tupp to take honest stock, and make the best choice, even if it's not a perfect choice. 

Unfortunately part of helping your son is tied to the past, the records, the people, and the systems that helped your mum harm you and your son.

I completely understand being triggered, and very very cautious about contacting those organizations.

It sounds like you're being mindful, approaching each task with a goal, and managing to resist making your conversations about the past, but rather about what you need to accomplish going forward.

So hard to avoid those darned rabbit holes, I know.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

awwww Tupp, that's WONDERFUL.

I admire it so much when people recognize their own small steps and report on them, and even give themselves a much-deserved pat on the back for confronting fears and pushing through....

BRAVO.

xo
Hops

Thanks, Hopsie.  Today was really hard.  I was in such a state by the time I got to the appointment that I actually thought I might be sick and when I came out I just wanted to cry.  But the lady was very nice and professional - I think it's the lack of professionalism we've encountered at times that's been really hard to deal with.  There were no nasty suprises in the paperwork, which is good, but just reading that stuff my mum said and did - my own mum! - is still really upsetting and, as I think I've said before on here, the thing that upsets me the most is that the campaign of harassment she waged against me was the most effort she'd ever put into my life.  I find that difficult to get my head around and I really seem to feel physical pain in my heart now when I think about this stuff.

What was good is that it seems there were people in my corner who fought on my behalf when all of this was going on, which I didn't know about before because of confidentiality and so on.  But it's nice to know she didn't pull the wool over everyone's eyes.

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

No sound lucid, focused and on point.

No vengeful agenda, but your son's health as priority...... knowing how to take stock of your reserves, abilities and resources is important and just what you're doing, IMO.  Wise Tupp to take honest stock, and make the best choice, even if it's not a perfect choice. 

Unfortunately part of helping your son is tied to the past, the records, the people, and the systems that helped your mum harm you and your son.

I completely understand being triggered, and very very cautious about contacting those organizations.

It sounds like you're being mindful, approaching each task with a goal, and managing to resist making your conversations about the past, but rather about what you need to accomplish going forward.

So hard to avoid those darned rabbit holes, I know.

Lighter

Hi Lighter,

You are so right about my son's health now being tied to those past records.  I think what I've got my head around now is the need to do certain things day to day - things that help him in the here and now - and then pick those other things apart as and when I get the time.  It does feel like it's getting easier, I think just knowing how the system works helps.  I think my frustration at the minute is my mum's need to control - she couldn't just let my son be, his whole life had to be lived according to her agenda.  It's so wrong that his medical history is incorrect because of her.  But it will get sorted eventually, it's just a long and drawn out process

[lighter]

Tupp:

Sometimes I think I must make peace with the fact things won't get sorted out (proper) until or after the children are grown.

Well..... that makes it difficult to remain focused in the here and now.

Accepting, once and for all, that thing won't get sorted in any timely manner comes and goes in and out of focus.

Doing what needs to be done, caring for my children in the best way possible, might not leave time, or hardly any time, to sort the legal stuff.  I have to wrap my mind around that every time.

I think we'll never get justice with the pd's, and that's just the plain truth.  Nothing to think about anymore.

As far as the professionals they manipulated and used to harm us..... can we have them removed from positions of authority where they'll likely continue to harm others?  Maybe. Should we do everything we can to ensure that happens?  I don't think so.  I think all we need to do is make our best effort, outside of caring properly for our children, and hope that it helps people understand who these people are at some point.

To do nothing doesn't feel right. 

To make our lives about them doesn't either........ it's a balance.

If they continue to harm others,  it will likely show up on their record.  It will add up.  It will be enough for me to do what I feasibly could in order to protect others from the harm my children and I have suffered in the system. 

And that's what it boils down to, I think. 

Maybe the people who helped the pd's harm us are victims too?

I could look at it that way, but then I remember these are people in positions of authority ALLOWING themselves to be manipulated, and to harm the most vulnerable members of society.  They're simply in the wrong place, doing the wrong job, victim or not.  I can't do nothing, but I should do something.
((((Tupp and son))))
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter,

I think the way I see things now, in the simplest terms I can, is that everything my mum did was about control.  So every time I do something to do with that whole situation, at the expense of something I want to do, for me and my boy, no-one else, is still her controlling me.  She's still pulling the strings.  And I think that's what really made me stop and look at the whole thing.  I think the ultimate justice, for me, is that I escaped her.  I know the thing that bothers her more than anything is to see me happy, healthy, settled, content.  It's so bizarre, that's all most parents want for their kids but my mum feeds off misery and other people's misfortune.

I will carry on with the work but it sits at the bottom of the list and, like you, most days there isn't much time free.  But I've chipped away at it over the years and I feel like it's definitely moved in my favour over time.  And I showed her how strong I was; she thought I'd crumble and crack up and I came out of it stronger and healthier than I'd ever been (I did crumble and crack at times but I never let her see that).

I think what you say about the public sector workers who have done wrong is spot on; in the UK there is such a culture of covering up that there's no interest in weeding out the bad apples.  But I've made complaints, made people aware, said my bit.  I think that's as much as we can be expected to do, it's down to others to deal with that and do something about it.

I see my sister as a victim of my mum as much as I was, but the people in authority who acted for her lied, cheated and covered up.  I think they found kindred spirits in each other.  But what's been nice is finding people, as I've gone through the records, who've done their jobs properly, checked her out and dismissed her as a fantasist.  And that's what I'm trying to focus on, the good eggs.  There's also a sense of handing it over to fate now, letting some higher power than me sort it out?  It kind of feels alright

((LIghter and kids)))

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,

I think it's outstanding to recognize for yourself when you are winning by continuing or by ending a fight.
Nobody else can define that for you, and it sounds as though you've been very thoughtful about reclaiming your own mindspace.

You are the one who gets to say, I've done enough. Or, I'll do this bit more. Or, I want to set it down.

It's your definition of "enough" or of "justice" that matters. It's great to hear you respecting your own opinion.

xo
Hops

[Meh]

Yes, good luck (hug)