Any Help for Dealing With A Psychopathic Father?

[SallyingForth]

I have searched the web for several days and cannot find anything on getting help for dealing with what my father perpetrated on me and others.

After the last time I posted here, I found a therapist whom I thought was good. She turned out to be another dud.    For the first time in my life, I confronted a therapist about their unprofessional attitude and behaviors. I was shocked by her need to defend herself for each one of my complaints. I later read that 80 to 90% of clients never confront their therapists. They just leave therapy. Here I attempted to present my list of grievances and she quickly defended herself. Later she turned the tables and questioned my list, wondering whether I had lumped previous grievances against another therapist with hers. I shocked her by saying I had not yet made that list.

My former therapist did help me confirm that my father was a psychopath, a sadistic pedophile, and the worst... a serial killer. I say 'was' because I believe he is no longer alive.

The first time I witnessed my father commit a criminal act I was three. At 10 years old, I saw many more criminal acts perpetrated by my father.

I had a great support system with a friend I met online. She no longer wants to hear the things I remember, so I no longer share them. She found them too gruesome. I don't blame her. They're too gruesome for me. Sometimes I lack the words to describe what I witnessed and what was done to me.

Next month I see a psychiatrist and hope he can help me further recover from happened to me.

After my NM died in 2010, the memories flooded my nightmares and I poured them out on paper. I wrote over 750,000 words using a journal and several stories. After a recommendation from another writer, I dumped my original novel which I started in 2003 and began a memoir about my father's criminal acts and how I survived being in his presence. I finished the first draft in less than three months using the journal entries and stories I had written from 2010 through 2012. I started the editing this year (2013). I never thought writing a memoir would be this daunting a task. Each chapter brings me closer to the reality I lived through and how I had to dissociate in different ways to stay sane in the face of crazy making.

I found several websites about women who married psychopaths or sociopaths. However those do not quite help my situation as none of those men committed the atrocities my father perpetrated on others.

[Twoapenny]

Hello, SallyingForth,

I was so sorry to read your post; what an horrendous situation for you to be in, and without help, too, it seems.

My first thought as I was reading it was whether you'd been to the police?  One of the things I was told by Victim Support is that abusers don't generally target just one person.  I'd imagine, therefore, that there would be more victims out there.  It might be that someone else has already reported him, or that if you're the first, others might come forward?  I know that doesn't help you as such but I do think these things can move us a step closer to closure.

I also wondered about the sort of help available via support groups.  In the UK we have things like Victim Support and Rape Crisis.  Is there anything like that in the States?  They might at least be able to point you in the right direction.  I imagine you'd need a very particular kind of specialist to help you deal with the things you've been through.

Sorry not to be able to suggest anything concrete, they were just things that popped to mind as I was reading.  I really hope you can find some help with all of this in some way xx

[SallyingForth]

Hello, SallyingForth,

I was so sorry to read your post; what an horrendous situation for you to be in, and without help, too, it seems.

My first thought as I was reading it was whether you'd been to the police?  One of the things I was told by Victim Support is that abusers don't generally target just one person.  I'd imagine, therefore, that there would be more victims out there.  It might be that someone else has already reported him, or that if you're the first, others might come forward?  I know that doesn't help you as such but I do think these things can move us a step closer to closure.

Another good thing the T encouraged me to do was report the crime to the police. I wrote an anecdotal report about my abuse and my father and how I remembered it. I sent the report on 18 August 2012.

After I had my first memory, I called the police in another state. I had not known that my father's house and the nursery school were nearly identical. What I reported actually occurred at my father's house. The T told me that a three year old would confuse two locations if they were similar. I now have a fairly good idea where the crime took place.

The summer when I turned 10 my father killed 12 boys, one each week. His signature was very specific. If he had attacked someone and they managed to survive, they would carry certain scars on their body.

I also wondered about the sort of help available via support groups.  In the UK we have things like Victim Support and Rape Crisis.  Is there anything like that in the States?  They might at least be able to point you in the right direction.  I imagine you'd need a very particular kind of specialist to help you deal with the things you've been through.

I liken my experience to someone who has been through a war and both witnessed and was forced to "help" maim little boys. About three weeks ago I started reading Trauma and Recovery, The aftermath of violence—from domestic abuse to political terror by Judith Herman, MD. It is the first book which describes what I experienced and the after effects of it. It is a slow read because of all the "ah-ha" moments I have had while reading it.

I know there are no support groups for this type of abuse. I know there are hotlines where I could talk to someone. I wonder how much they could handle. Before I sent the anecdotal report to police, I talked to a woman on a hotline for missing and exploited children. The woman had to stop several times during the interview. I heard her gasp at the details I told her. I don't blame her one bit.

Sorry not to be able to suggest anything concrete, they were just things that popped to mind as I was reading.  I really hope you can find some help with all of this in some way xx

I might try talking to a hotline again. Good suggestion. I "spilled the beans" on an abuse survivor's website. And got some support but no lasting conversations/friends about it due to the shocking nature of the crimes.

I am turning 60 years old in a month and cannot believe I just started to remember this less than three years ago.

[Ales2]

Hi SallyForth,

Reading your posts, I am wondering if any of these crimes are unsolved. If you can remember the jurisdiction where the boys were killed, could you contact the Police Department there and offer them the memories you have of the crime? Its very possible that your information might validate some of their old case files (Im guessing this is 50 years ago, if this occurred when you were 10 and you are now 60) or provide new information. Matching information might prove to be self validating for you - that the memories have value and possibly someone seeing what you know or experienced might be healing.

Its also possible that there is some assistance available through reporting more of the crimes you witnessed, certainly meeting some professionals who have an understanding of these incidents/crimes.

Your post is tough to read, so I must send you my best wishes for happiness and peace in your life, I cant imagine what you went through. My experiences with an NMother sound like a whining baby compared to you.   All the best to you,

[Twoapenny]

Hi SallyForth,

Reading your posts, I am wondering if any of these crimes are unsolved. If you can remember the jurisdiction where the boys were killed, could you contact the Police Department there and offer them the memories you have of the crime? Its very possible that your information might validate some of their old case files (Im guessing this is 50 years ago, if this occurred when you were 10 and you are now 60) or provide new information. Matching information might prove to be self validating for you - that the memories have value and possibly someone seeing what you know or experienced might be healing.

Its also possible that there is some assistance available through reporting more of the crimes you witnessed, certainly meeting some professionals who have an understanding of these incidents/crimes.

Your post is tough to read, so I must send you my best wishes for happiness and peace in your life, I cant imagine what you went through. My experiences with an NMother sound like a whining baby compared to you.   All the best to you,

Hi again, Sally,

My thoughts were the same as Ales, there would be records of these things, even if only missing persons reports at this stage?  The police should be able to help; if all they establish is that your father is definitely dead that might bring some peace to some of his victims?  They may have specialists who can help you as well, or at least be able to put you in touch with people?

[SallyingForth]

Hi SallyForth,

Reading your posts, I am wondering if any of these crimes are unsolved. If you can remember the jurisdiction where the boys were killed, could you contact the Police Department there and offer them the memories you have of the crime? Its very possible that your information might validate some of their old case files (Im guessing this is 50 years ago, if this occurred when you were 10 and you are now 60) or provide new information. Matching information might prove to be self validating for you - that the memories have value and possibly someone seeing what you know or experienced might be healing.

Its also possible that there is some assistance available through reporting more of the crimes you witnessed, certainly meeting some professionals who have an understanding of these incidents/crimes.

Your post is tough to read, so I must send you my best wishes for happiness and peace in your life, I cant imagine what you went through. My experiences with an NMother sound like a whining baby compared to you.   All the best to you,

Yes, Ales, I hoped to get some closure as well as bring closure to others through reporting the crimes to the police. I provided the report to a requesting officer. The investigation is considered a cold case. There are about 12 people ahead of me trying to enlist the police's help with their missing persons or cold cases. The officer told me they go case by case and said it might take years before they get to my case.  

All the boys my father killed were homeless.

I was homeless for a short time and felt intense terror during it. I was afraid to go to sleep at night believing someone was going to kidnap me. I had no idea who. It was a huge fear.

My father kidnapped homeless boys while I was with him. I was 10 and remember how he carried out the kidnap. When I was three he left me with someone while he "hunted" for his prey.

Hi again, Sally,

My thoughts were the same as Ales, there would be records of these things, even if only missing persons reports at this stage?  The police should be able to help; if all they establish is that your father is definitely dead that might bring some peace to some of his victims?  They may have specialists who can help you as well, or at least be able to put you in touch with people?

I am seeing a psychiatrist next month and I hope he can be of some help. I do not believe the police have resources for therapists who deal with this type of abuse and the eyewitnessing of crimes at such a young age. When I first started therapy my PTSD was extreme and I could not function. I had low level PTSD since I was 10 until an incident in 1988 boosted it to an extreme level. The first therapist I saw told me my PTSD was the worst she had seen in her practice.

Up until this month I had no name for my father. I am not 100% certain of his name. I just know what he used to call himself. He purposely used numerous names to confuse me and to keep his identity a secret. Also, when one is a child they don't call their dad by his first and last name. I came upon his name by accident (I don't believe in accidents though), through the most unusual way, and when I saw the name I knew it was his.

[fraidycat]

Sallyingforth when I read your post my heart absolutely broke for you. I wish I had good advice that would help, I can't think of anything that hasn't been said. It sounds like you are doing everything you can for yourself and the families. Lots of good advice from the kind people here on the board. I don't have much to offer but please know that if you need a friend to talk to you can private message me anytime. My best to you.

Kat

[Hopalong]

(((((Sally))))

What a terrifying legacy.
I hope you find wise, grounded support to help you continue healing from your PTSD, and taking whatever steps are important and suited to this emotionally difficult situation.

Most of all, I hope you shed any sense that you could have prevented, saved, offset, compensated for, fixed, or stopped the madness, whatever form it took.

I hope if law enforcement can, they will help you find realities and resolutions, and if they can't, that you'll know it's no longer your burden to bear.

love
Hops